Perilous Thoughts

Anger

I browsed a book store recently and found the perfect book. I wasn't in that particular mood at the moment but that mood constantly lingered like a nagging cough. I tried to shake it but it was fast becoming a state of mind, a dirty habit.

I wanted to buy the book and retreat in my room with a glass of wine to read it. I didn't have enough money for it. Anger, that lurking bad habit began to resurface. I think I would have prefered the nasty nagging cough. Instead, I put the book on hold.

A week later, I was able to purchase the $7.00 book. I opened it two days later. I found the one page, the one answer in one page with the answers to my niggling bad mood, my state of mind that had began to overcome me and my daily routine.

This book was the Anger Management book. It was also a workbook! Whew!.

I read the one page that explained, with a diagram, where anger stems from. Simply put and paraphrased, it said that anger is the manifestation of bad decisions made.

That was true. I didn't like it because the truth does hurt. For instance, I knew that guy that I did some contractual work for from January through November in 2007, was an extremely shady character. Despite my knowledge, I worked his projects anyway. I worked hard believing that he would see my worth and really be impressed. I believed he would see me as invaluable to his dreams, his project specifically.

Ha! Silly me. I knew my own worth. I knew my value already. Hell, if I didnt, I had a big fat 70K bill to prove my knowledge, skill and determination. I didn't need his comfirmation. What was I thinking?

Here I sit, damned near a year later, broke. I need my money. He has my money. I am angry. I want my money now. So, I get angry for simple things like that seven-dollar book. I get angry at the gas pump. I get angry when my daughter, that is now a senior in college working two jobs and making good grades call me for help and I cant help her. I get angry cause I made the decision to work on someone else's dream and not my own.