Dear Lucy

October 15th

                                                                                                                       October, 15th, 2007


Dear Lucy!

I'm back from work. Just came back in ten minutes ago. A lot has happened today. That's why I'm writing you now instead just before bedtime.

As I told you Friday....right, I haven't written to you about the weekend. So, let's start with that: Nothing happened! It was raining and I was tired. So I stayed at home and worked on the computer. I went through the design programs I have on my PC. To refresh my memory. I don't want to stand in front of that design guy like a full idiot. I want that job. I mean, I WANT that job. If it means working in my free time - be it. I want that job and I will get it. I hope...

Anyway, back to today. As I told you Friday, my boss has already put me in the design department. The bureau is on the same level as Mark's. Just further down the floor. Actually, it's the last bureau on the left. The guy I'm working with now is called Stephan. He's 25, looks like what you would call a total computer freak. He seemed kind of shy and not very happy to speak with me. At least that is what my first impression was.
Somehow I think he didn't quiet fit into the team of this company. All the people I've met until now seemed open and friendly. Stephan is very close-mouthed. Maybe that comes from his job though. He told me he likes to design webpages but has found out that computer work, meaning the work with programs and not designing, seems more his future. Boy, you look like it.
Anyway, Stephan introduced me to the design programs they're using in this company and showed me how everything is designed at our web presents. Easy stuff normally. But I have to say, I'm not so impressed by Stephan's work. I have some great ideas about how to design the web page. That will have to wait though. I don't have the job yet. Also, he told me what my test project is: I have to design a flyer. Don't ask me what that has to do with web design. It's not the same as creating a web page. But I think I'm up to it. I was happy to hear that this was my challenge. Stephan stopped my euphoria when telling me that there were two other people applying for that job and that they already had handed in their designs. And that the boss was already thinking that their work is very good. My heart dropped when Stephan said that the stakes are high.

Now, I'm scared. What if I can't hand in better results than the other two did? What if I don't get that job? I've just gotten accustomed to the company and how work is done here and all. I don't want to leave again. I want to stay.

I left my new bureau with a very scared, uneasy feeling for lunch break. All my hunger was gone. What added to my bad mood was that I still hadn't heard anything from Dana. Her bureau had been closed when I walked past this morning. And I didn't get a chance to go on the computer and send her a message. I was getting really worried that something had happened to her. It left me feeling ill deep in my stomach.
So, with no hunger at all, I decided to spend my lunch break, yet again, on the roof. I walked along the floor, past Dana's closed bureau and entered the stairway. It was already 12:45 o'clock.
Then I heard a familiar voice from some stairs under me.

"Hey, Myra."

I didn't need to turn and look to realise that it was Dana. My stomach made a small flip and I had to bite my lips to not grin like a maniac.

I had just turned around when she took the last steps and stopped in front of me. I smiled but I felt that it didn't come over too well. I mean, I was happy to see her. More than anything. I had been so, so very worried about her. But still. At that moment I just felt sick and ill to the stomach. It wasn't because she hadn't told me where she had been. That I was angry at her or something. I think she thought that though.
It only took Dana a split second to realise that I wasn't in the best of moods. She took a small step back, her face showing that she suddenly got worried.
"Are you okay? Are you angry at me?" Her voice was quivering lightly. I could see that she was fighting to cover it with a soft smile.
Her left hand, resting on the handrail, grabbed onto it harder.

Our eyes met and I shook my head. I forced another smile.
"No, no, I'm not angry at you. Don't worry."

She exhaled but kept on looking at me. I think she knew that there was something bothering me anyway.
A warm hand reached out for mine and squeezed it gently.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing...I...."
Her hand in mine felt good and it gave me some reassurance. It just made me feel warm and cared for.
"..I'm just..."
I couldn't form words properly. My free hand flew up to my forehead and rubbed it. A headache was starting.

Dana took a step closer.
"Are you on your way up to the roof?"

I nodded.

"Care if I come?"

Another nod. She smiled, still holding on to my hand. Then she walked past me and pulled me after her.

When she opened the door to the roof, the bright sun blinded me. I lifted my other hand to cover the sun from my view. Dana pulled me further until we stopped in a corner of the roof where the midday sun didn't fall on us directly. She let go off my hand.
I immediately missed her warmth.

"Now, tell me, what's going on?"
Dana stood right in front of me, maybe one step parting us. Our eyes met. Her worried gaze let a shiver run over my back. My lips suddenly felt dry and I had to lick them quickly.
"And don't tell me that there's nothing wrong."

"How do you do that?" I asked. How did she see so quickly that I wasn't doing so well. I hadn't even said one full sentence to her.

"How do I do what?" Dana asked, surprised I would ask something like that.

"See that I'm not so well today." I stated and sat down on a projection of a wall. She sat down beside me.

"I don't know. I just saw it. You want to talk about it?" Her voice was gentle and promised of someone who would listen and be there for me.

"I...I'm just scared." I admitted. To myself and her.

"What about?"

"I have to do this project. To be able to get the job in web design. And the guy working there..."

"....Stephan...." she fell into my words.

I nodded.
"Yes, Stephan. He's...he said that two other people have finished their project already and that it would be hard for me to beat their presentations."

"Oh....but...." Dana turned sideways and looked at me. "Don't worry. You'll do great. You will see."

I didn't look at her. I was so scared that I wouldn't get this job. That I could fail with that stupid flyer and be kicked out of the firm even before I had a chance to show my web design work. That I could lose it all again.
"I'm not so sure about that. One of the other guys was at design university." I shook my head in defeat. What will I be able to hold against that? I was never at university.

"No, no. That's not right. I don't think that will be the main criteria for them to give away that job. Plus.." I saw Dana grin out of the corner of my eyes. "....I heard the boss talk about you and that he was very satisfied with your work up to now."

"You did?" The surprise of her words let my head shoot up and I stared at Dana in disbelief. She grinned and nodded strongly.
"I swear I did." She lifted her right hand as if she wanted to swear an oath.

I shrugged my shoulders because I didn't know what to say to that. Maybe there is hope for me?

Dana reached out for my hand that was resting in my lap. She squeezed it and searched my eyes.
"Don't worry. It will be okay. I'm sure that you will get that job. I just have a certain feeling you will."

I had to smile. Her words sounded so full of hope and assurance. It was and is hard for me not to believe her.
"Still, Stephan said..."

"Wait, wait." Dana lifted her free hand up to stop the words coming out of my mouth. "Don't listen to what Stephan says. He's a..."

Dana nodded her head from side to side, pondering how to say it.
"...a jerk?" I added, my brows raised in question.

Dana laughed.
"Well, that's what you said. I want to put it in a more diplomat way. Stephan is different. I have to work close with him from time to time when the prices are changed and stuff like that. We will never become friends."

Our eyes met again and my mood rose. Maybe she was right. Maybe I was worrying too much.
I felt a gentle squeeze on the hand that Dana was holding. I squeezed back.
"I would so much prefer for you to get that job than anybody else. It would mean a lot to me." She was talking in a low voice. Her eyes kept locked to mine though.
I had to blink. There was this feeling again. This feeling I always get when our eyes meet. When I seem to sink into her gaze. When it feels like falling but then like landing on a soft cushion.

"It would mean a lot to me as well." I stuttered. Swallowing was hard for me. Dana smile softly.

"I will help you with whatever you need, okay?"

"Lunch breaks at italian restaurants?" I asked, a grin coming to my face. Suddenly I felt so much lighter. Like a heavy weight had been lifted off my heart. Like I got freed from a tiny prison and was now able to walk freely.

"If that is what you need. Yes. And remember. The next time I pay." Dana laughed and let go off my hand.
I was disappointed about that but did all I could not to let her see it.

" Of course. I count on that."

We sat beside each other for some minutes just breathing in the last warm autumn air. I felt most comfortable to be there with her. It felt right and as if it had always been like that.

"You weren't at work last week. Is everything okay?" I asked carefully after a few minutes. Dana kept looking straight ahead. Showing no real reaction.
Then she suddenly turned her head to me.
"Yes, it's all okay. Tess was just ill and I had to stay at home and take care of her."
Dana smiled at me. It was one of her fake smiles. I only know her since a few weeks, days even. But I would say I already know when her smiles are for real and when not. This time it wasn't for real.

"Is she okay again?" I don't know if I asked about her daughter or her. Sure, I wanted to know how Tessa was doing. But where my main interest was - is - laying is clear, right?

"Yes, thank you for asking. It was just a cold or something. She's back to kindergarten and everything is back to normal."

"I was worried, you know." I admitted, but looked away from Dana. I didn't want her to see how deep that worry had gone. How much I care for her.

No, I'm not in love with her. If you mean to say that. Absolutely not. But I feel a deep, very deep friendship towards her. She means a lot to me already. And that's why I was so worried. Yes, you can care for someone that much without being in love with them. You don't believe me? Then watch.

I felt her eyes on me and didn't dare to move. Not a single muscle.
"Why?"
There was so much wonder in her voice. It touched my heart. Wasn't she used to someone worrying about her?

I turned my head towards her.
"Because I didn't hear anything from you. Or didn't see you. You were gone and I didn't know why."
I felt that there was a bit of worry still audible in my words. I looked away again.

"But there was no need to be afraid." Dana reached out a gentle finger. The next moment I felt it against my chin as she was pulling my face into her direction again. I didn't dare fighting it and found myself face to face with her an instant later. She looked at me curiously as if trying to read my mind and soul. I let her.

Her look turned from wonder into disbelieve, then back to wonder. She frowned. And my heart sank. Were my feelings too much for her? Had I been wrong to feel like a friend already? Did I cross a line she didn't want me to cross? Maybe so. But it was too late. She had seen that I had stepped over it and was now standing in front of her bare feet.

The left corner of her lips twitched and her fingers wandered from my chin to my cheek. Until her palm nestled against it. Unconsciously I held my breath. I felt goose bumps crawl over my arms.

Dana didn't see them as her full attention was transfixed to my eyes. I blinked but couldn't pull away from her. Then her beautiful brown eyes filled with tears. A single one fell over her cheek.
I was shocked to suddenly see her cry. Where was this coming from? What had I said or done wrong? I reached out and wiped the tear away with a finger. As gentle as possible. Dana wanted to pull her head away, but stopped when my finger made contact with her skin. Her eyes fluttered shut.

"Why are you crying? What's wrong?"
Fear was climbing up my spine. I didn't mean to sadden her. The second I saw her tears, the second I felt like pulling her into my arms. To tell her that everything would be okay. That she wasn't alone anymore.
Hearing me speak let Dana catch herself and she pulled away from me. Her palm, dropping away from my cheek, left a cold, empty space behind.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you upset." Dana said. With her hands she wiped over her face and eyes. A gesture that was supposed to help her pull herself back together, I guess.

"You don't." I answered.

"It's just that..." Dana sighed and exhaled deeply. She was still turned towards me as she let her hands fall into her lap. She smiled. A helpless, sad but true smile. "...that...it's been a while since someone said something like that to me. It's so very sweet of you to care so much for me. And you don't even know me for long."

I shrugged my shoulders. But there was one question I just needed to ask. I couldn't resist.
"What about your husband?"

Dana laughed, bitterness swinging in it.
"Frank? As I said, it's been a while. It's not like it used to be."
She stopped and seemed to think about something. I watched her carefully for any signs showing her feelings. There was nothing. Instead she suddenly waved it off.
"But I guess that's normal after 12 years of marriage."

ൔ years!?!" It shot out of me before I could stop it. "That's quiet a long time."

"It is. Even though it never seemed that long." Dana folded her hands in her lap.

"You get used to it, hm?" I stated amused. Somehow I tried to get Dana's mood better again. If you like someone, it's hard for you to see them sad in any way. That's how I feel about Dana.

She giggled and turned to sit shoulder against shoulder again. "I don't know if that is a good thing, though."

"Well, it depends on the situation." I softly pushed my side against hers and winked at her cheeky.

I saw her blush and had to laugh. That was cute, I'm telling you.

"Let's not go there, okay?!" she said. She wasn't angry at me for being so impudent. I think it was just a subject she didn't really mean to talk about with me. And, I don't want to go there with her either. What's happening between her husband and her in THAT subject, is her business. But, what about the rest of her relationship? Somehow I got the impression that not everything was going the way she wanted it to be.
Maybe she was right. After 12 years you do get used to each other and life just falls into a certain pattern, repeating itself day after day. Is that a good thing to happen? No. Absolutely not. You don't need to be a genius to know that. It lets a relationship run dry. But it's hard to pull yourself out of it. It's been six years only with me and Jasmin. And we already had that problem. Sitting there beside Dana I was wondering how things would have gotten with Jasmin if we had stayed together longer. Would I be sat somewhere like Dana now. Sounding so bitter about my lover? Maybe it had been a good decision to break up with her. Sometimes you can't force it. And shouldn't.

We were sat beside each other for a few minutes in silence. It felt good to be in each others presence. There didn't need to be anything said. It relaxed me and I felt stronger than a few minutes before. Ideas for my flyer were starting to pass through my head and I was beginning to look forward to trying them out at the computer. Things would be okay. It will work out. If not, I shall be damned. And this whole place as well.

"Thank you." I broke the silence with a relieved smile on my lips.

"For what?"

"You told me what I needed to hear to get me going again. I know now that I sure am able to do that flyer project and to get that job."

Dana dropped her head. Then shyly I heard her say:
"That's what friends are for, right?"

Had I heard right? She called me a friend? I was stunned. I still am now. Have I succeeded in proving to her that she can trust me? Well, I wouldn't go that far yet. But it's another step forward. I like that.

"Yes, that's what friends are for." Her right hand was laying on the wall in between us. I took my chance without thinking and dropped mine onto hers. I felt her flinch a tiny bit. She didn't pull back though. I squeezed her hand under mine gently and she smiled at me. THIS was a true smile. Something real that touched my heart.

"We should get back to work. We don't want Stephan to send out a search team for you." Dana rolled her eyes and got up. I followed her and we returned to our work.

I was at my computer faster than ever before, digging into my project. I'm nearly done with it already. It needs some fine tuning tomorrow. But then....yes, it will all work out.

I better go get me some food and then go to bed early today. The best ideas all the great people got in their sleep, right?

Take care!

Yours,

                            Myra