Despertar

i'm soulless and selfish, then

1. What was going through your mind during your last kiss?
Last real kiss? I was thinking, how cute, I'm actually standing on my toes. I was also timing it in my head, my intention being to break it off at five seconds so he would miss me more. Which, in retrospect, seems really dumb.

2. How did you do on the last test you took?
Exam results come out some time in July. If I had failed, though, I think someone would have contacted me by now.

3. What is your ringtone for when people text you?
I ALWAYS keep my phone on vibrate, which I didn't think was weird till I tried to explain it to somebody. I get terribly anxious when I hear any ringtone. It's an emotional throwback to the times when Marcus would call or not call and screw up my evenings. It reminds me of being alone in an uncomfortable dorm room and feeling like shit.

4. What show did you last watch?
Curb Your Enthusiasm, the episode about, of all things, surrogacy.

5. Whose arms do you feel the safest in?
This question is so trite that I almost don't want to answer it on principle, but, Justin's arms feel pretty safe. He is a big, strong guy.

6. What foods make you sick?
Curbside fried prawns, apparently. We went to Fisherman's Wharf today, got "prawns 'n' chips" from one of about a dozen of those greasy places lined up all in a row, and now I'm sick enough that I am seriously considering inducing vomiting. It was possibly the grossest lunch I have ever eaten, and now I feel bad because I gave half of it to a homeless woman who was trash-diving by the place. I hope she didn't get sick, too.

7. Do you get shy around the guy/girl you like?
I actually get really, really chatty around him, especially in the company of other people. I think I'm really, really invested in making sure he knows I have enough to say.

8. Do you remember what you were doing a year ago?
I actually don't. It was post-graduation, pre-CTY, so I didn't really have anything I was supposed to be doing. Maybe we took a trip to Atlanta? Was that the time of the infamous bus trip? Seems like that was later, more like August. Okay. So June 2007 is lost forever to my memory.

9. Do you still have feelings for your ex?
I thought I might, but I don't. Thank God.

10. Name something you like and hate about your default picture.
I'm going to assume my facebook profile picture counts for this question. Like: my skin looks clear and not all burnt up. Dislike: my nose is the size of West Oakland.

11. Do you have family problems?
Doesn't everybody? Ours are minor, I guess. I have some ongoing issues with my dad, which he would probably deny, if asked. I've found lots of creative ways to disappoint both my parents over the past few years. It's increasingly clear that they like my brother better, and they have awful empty nest syndrome. Outside the nuclear unit, there are some property ownership issues, a bizarre drug-induced feud between two sisters in Tennessee and a bunch of my male cousins have babies they never see. However, no one is in jail, and with the exception of my cousin Jay, everyone has at least finished high school.

12. Where are most people in your top from?
If this is a Myspace question, I refuse to repeat myself about not having Myspace.

13. What was the last meal you ate?
Prawns 'n' chips from a greasy fish cart that smelled like sewage and fish. And it's going to kill me.

14. Who are there pictures of in the room you're currently in?
Jake (who normally occupies this apartment), his girlfriend and what appear to be his sister and two cousins at various stages of childhood, adolescence and adulthood. Jake is a handsome guy, a young, blond Steve Martin. His girlfriend, eh. Pretty face, not much else to write home about.

15. Name one thing people think about you that's not true?
People always assume I'm smart in a really marketable way, which I plainly am not. I was probably twelve years old the last time I got straight As.

16. Do you give special ringtones to certain people?
See above, I keep my phone on vibrate, but I am constantly changing people's names in my phone directory. I don't like everyone knowing who I'm talking to.

17. What's the weather like outside?
It was nice today. The trick about San Francisco is, you're fine as long as you're in the sun. There's about a fifteen-degree discrepancy between the sunshine temperature and the temperature in the shade. I wore a gray Hollister sweater, and I probably took it off and put it back on at least twenty times today.

18. Have you ever seen a 3D movie in theaters?
I know I've seen at least two things at the Imax, but I forget what they were.

19. How was your last relationship?
Pretty terrible. We've talked about this.

20. Where'd you get everything that you're wearing?
The underwear is from Vicky's, the jeans are from Express, the tank top is from Old Navy, the belly button ring came from a street vendor on Delancey Street in Manhattan, the KIPP-emblazoned hoodie was waiting on my desk on the first day of work, the turquoise ring came from Fire & Ice, the Baltic amber ring came from the gift shop in the Natural History Museum in New York and I bought the dichroic glass necklace today from a guy named Juan on The Embarcadero.

21. Do you text with T9-Word or ABC?
Definitely T9-Word, and I can't believe anyone still does it the old way.

22. Have you memorized your social security number?
Yes. In this transitional phase of my life, I have to fill out an average of 2,010,399 forms a day. I have my driver's license number memorized, too.

23. Have you ever had a dream about people you love dying?
A few.

24. Who was the last person you couldn't keep your mind off of?
I think about Justin constantly.

25. What was the last advice you gave someone?
On the phone, I told Imani to stand her ground about not sleeping with the guy she's dating. It's not that I think it would be the worst thing in the world if she gave in, but I think it's absolutely disgusting that he's belittling her faith by telling her he hopes she "slips up" one day.

26. What radio station do you listen to the most?
I almost never listen to the radio.

27. What's your worst grade this quarter?
By my estimation, it'll be whatever I get in Constitutional Law.

28. If you died today, would there be anything you wish you could've said to someone?
Tons of things, to tons of people. I really hope I don't die today.

29. Are you on youtube?
My likeness isn't, but I have it open in my browser. A few minutes ago I was watching a montage of Gob's chicken dance from Arrested Development.

30. What do you think about the person that last texted you?
He's objectively wonderful, but one thousand percent too clingy, and he's going to drive me crazy if he doesn't back off.

31. How do you like your school?
Law school sucks, but if you have to do it, it's nice to do it at a place where the faculty, location and general atmosphere are all pretty good. People complain about Georgetown a lot, but I can't imagine we'd be having a better time anyplace else. Plus, from a job prospect standpoint, it's nice being in one of the most professional cities in the country, where it's easy to network and where people are always automaticaly impressed when we tell them where we go to school.

32. Why did your last relationship end?
Because someone else made him want to be a better man.

33. Are you friends with any of your exes?
It's weird. I'm sure he'd say we're friends and that everything is fine now, and yes, we've hung out, and it wasn't explosive or awkward or otherwise terrible, but i still have really strong reservations about things as simple as having a conversation with him or telling him what my dinner plans are. I'm glad we're able to be more than civil to each other, and to confide things to some extent, but part of me knows I'll never be able to let myself be vulnerable to him, ever again. And I don't know if I can really consider myself "friends" with someone around whom I'm completely guarded all the time.

34. Are any of your exes on your top friends?
Again with that.

35. What's the last food you ate that was stale?
A cranberry-feta cheese salad, this morning. The sell-by date was like two days ago. The field greens tasted like dandelion leaves.

36. Do you like to start rumors?
I don't like to start them, but I do perpetuate them when they come my way. I guess I am pretty mouthy, honestly.

37. Who will you never forget?
All of them.

38. Have you ever questioned your sexuality?
Until relatively recently, I kind of took it for granted that I was gay. Marcus unraveled that theory for me.

39. What are you afraid of?
Failure, alcoholism, the open ocean, losing Justin, losing a parent, losing my brother, losing my teeth, losing my smarts, pissing someone off, dying in a plane crash, learning I'm sterile and sharkbites.

40. What do you look for in a girl/guy?
Brilliance, gorgeousness and a fun laugh.

41. Would you ever consider having a relationship with your best friend?
See above, I'm not actually gay.

42. What piercings do you want to get?
Now that I've gone through with the belly button thing, I think I can live without any more piercings. I passed a discount tattoo parlor today, with a sign out front promising a ten-dollar flat fee for any piercing, and I thought about it and I couldn't think what else I'd want studded. So we kept walking.

43. Have your friends ever seen you cry?
Most have.

44. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
Don't remember. I try not to much anymore.

45. Can you do a push-up?
Yes. Operative word: a.

46. Are you self-conscious about your height at all?
Yes. I think I'm pretty much average (five-sixish?) but, I'm finding, lots of guys have a weird affinity for short girls, which limits my pool somewhat. When I'm with a group of girls, I'm usually the tallest, which can be awkward. Plus, Marcus.

47. Have you ever had a panic attack?
No, but my seat neighbor did on the way into Oakland. Apparently she freaks out every time she flies, which, if it were me, would be reason enough not to. She was pretty far gone for the duration of the descent.

48. Name the last time you got really anxious.
Today, walking back from the Macarthur train station, I was approached by two shirtless guys on bicycles. I had my phone up to my ear, I had dialed but no one had picked up yet, and I very nervously started faking a conversation so the guys wouldn't talk to me. They did anyway. First they called me Pretty, then one called me Bitch because I wouldn't turn around. I see them most days on my way home from work. It's always pleasant.

49. Would you ever consider moving back to your hometown?
Silver Spring would be a pretty shitty place to spend my twenties, but I could definitely imagine raising my kids there.

50. Describe your laugh?
I can't. I can't even call it to mind right now.

51. What do you think about the person that last commented you?
She seems like a really nice lady, and I hope she manages to find the confidence she needs to get everything she deserves out of life.

52. How did you meet the last person you kissed?
At the pool party during orientation week. He was one of four people in the pool, while the other two or three hundred of us stood around nervously drinking bad smoothies.

53. Are you currently going out with that person?
For better or for worse.

54. Can you do the Crank Dat dance?
Yes. It isn't hard.

55. Who sings the song you sang last?
Weezy, baby.

56. Have you ever modeled for anything?
I can't. I'm too hippy.

57. Plans for this weekend?
Today we did the wharf thing. Tomorrow, maybe I'll get serious about tidying this apartment, and at some point I have a hairdresser appointment.

58. How was last weekend?
I was in transit the whole time, so it sucked balls.

59. Have you ever been to California?
Funny you should ask.

60. How about New York City?
Many times.

61. What's your favorite color to wear?
I don't know. I look pretty good in white.