Down the Rabbit Hole

Tropical Storms and Baby Dreams

It’s been a while since I’ve even thought about writing. There has been so much in my head; the thought of letting it out on paper has just been too exhaustive. This morning, during a lull between closing preps, I decided I had to start somewhere. Outside my window the world is hazy and humid, oppressive and heavy. There is a tell-tale ache in my lower back and ovaries that typically signals the onslaught of my period and I’m undecided as to how I feel about that. There is I guess, a mixture of relief and of disappointment. Life feels a bit too unstable now so I am relieved that we don’t have to face the new complication of a child on the way, though at the same time, I’m heartfully disappointed that we are not expecting. My birthday looms large on the horizon and with that comes my fear of aging into another bracket where my ability to conceive is hampered and the risk of complications rise. At the same time, my spiritual side tells me God isn’t going to let it happen until the time is right and that perhaps my gut sense that the timing isn’t ideal, is merely an echo of that truth. I just have to trust and have faith, which a year or two ago, would have been a far more difficult thing to do. It has been a stressful month so far, lots of bad news and bad endings. My best friend and I have had an irreparable break and the event that perpetuated the ending has left a bad taste in my mouth for my sister-in-law as well. A hood of distrust has fallen over our already strained relationship and it’s left me feeling just generally bad. My friend has effectively cut me off completely, she says to avoid conflict with my husband, but I have my doubts. It’s almost as if her avoidance is an admission of guilt and that leaves me feeling worse. I wanted there to be an explanation, but there isn’t one. I should try to repair any misconceptions my sister-in-law may have of me, but her alleged words keep rolling around in my head and I find myself unwilling to engage her for a number of reasons. I know its best to avoid them both but facing the loss of a 23 year friendship, however justified, has been a crushing blow. I fear my sister-in-law will never have a productive relationship either and that is not what I had hoped or envisioned when I first met her either. All in all, I’ve kept things to myself not wanting to add additional fuel to any fires that might erupt between him and me. Lately, we have had enough to worry about without letting our relationship get dragged into petty disputes