The Writer's Basket

Adult ADHD: My "Land of Confusion"

I am disabled when it comes to keeping track of time. I've been late arriving all my life, but the problem of being out of sync with the regular world has really exploded over the past few months. I was productively frozen over the winter. That's not unusual as I have seasonal affective depression, and tend to be "down" in the dim gray months of cold air. I was in my thirties before I realized I'd get depressed starting between October and November every year, then I'd come out of it in spring--about when Daylight Savings Time kicks in, and the sunshine is more direct, and obviously visible.



My doc gives me antidepressants over the winter, actually pretty much all the time. I'm also taking meds to alleviate bipolar symptoms. Within the last year my dear old doc pointed out that the symptoms I most often spoke of were tell-tale signs of ADD, or ADHD--I guess I wasn't paying attention.

I feel like I'm swimming thru chaos and clutter--in my mind and in my environment. It's like serious commuter traffic backups, except it's in my brain as well as my environment.

I am indeed living in a land of confusion . . .

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(Shoot. I thought the embed of the song might work. Sorry, guess not.)

It could be that I need a vacation.

I keep thinking about George Carlin's routine on "stuff", and how little was left by the end of his traveling about the island with running buddies. By bedtime, just about all he had left was his Visine. I know where my Visines are, at least.

You always have to carry some of your stuff with you, to be really comfortable and at home. But in my case, the stuff has taken over. It sits in my path, blocks my way, and accumulates in ever mounting piles about my household path.

It's more than just time to clean house. I feel like I need to tackle everything at once--clean up everything in site in one fell swoop. However, even with the meds, I don't have that kind of energy or attention span--though I think I've been sitting at my computer since about 1:00 am. It's 9:00 am now, and I've got to move about and take a stretch. I just can't come up with whatever it takes to get going...tackle tasks and cross them off the list.

The list of things to do is too many pages to tackle. I need a smoke first, or a Coke, or an ocean's mass injection of adrenalin. Of course, that would be a bad idea, because I'd turn manic. I could do with a bit of pre-mania. I could get more jobs accomplished. There's too much multi-taking required in the world today, in my opinion.

I've got to stretch. Sitting so long doesn't help my aching back. By now my legs are feeling quite uncomfortable. But, I know if I walk away from what I'm doing, it'll turn into another incomplete, uncompleted task...but hopefully only for a short time longer. My moods are like Texas weather--give it some time, and things can change drastically.