Complex Numbers

Depressing Entry

This entry contains some depressing shit, so skip it if you're looking for humor or uplifting shit. Well, not that I'd ever put uplifting shit in here, but whatever.

Tomorrow I'll have some good things to say. But not today.

It's been nearly a week, now, since the steroid shot that was supposed to magically help my back. Naturally, it has not done any such thing. In fact, things are worse now than they were before the shot - which, frankly, I didn't think was possible, thus proving once more the benefits of being a pessimist: at least I don't have to add disappointment to my list of woes.

That doesn't stop me from being angry about it.

No, actually, I'm not angry. I don't have the energy to be angry.

It's worst when I get up, either in the morning or from one of my ever-lengthening naps. And I'll lie there in bed, wondering why I should get up and subject myself to the agony?

I've never been that way before. Usually, I have a reason to get up. Maybe I'm hungry. Maybe I get to see my wife. Maybe I feel the obligation to go to work and try to make money (increasingly difficult as well). Maybe I want to write, or play a video game, but the point is, I've always had a reason to get up.

These days it's harder and harder to find such a reason.

Everything is difficult, now. All my activities (such as they are) are circumscribed by whether or not they'll cause pain, and, usually, they do. So I don't want to do them. I'm tired of things being difficult. They say you don't appreciate what you get too easily, but I call bullshit: I just don't have the energy to appreciate anything that isn't dead easy right now.

I'd rather just stay in bed.

Today would have been my father's 91st birthday, and I know what he would have said: "Shut up and go hoe the garden."

Sorry, Dad, I guess I'll be disappointing you too.

I just want to stay in bed and forget everything else.