On My Happy Cloud

Inside My Head

Morgan says I'm not over Ryan yet. That my heart is still broken. From the outside, I didn't realize how easy that is to see. From where I am, all I can see is how I'm fine until something little happens and I somehow manage to upset my whole world. I can be fine and happy until I see something like the Harry Potter posters I left for Blake returned to me at the foot of my stairs with pots and pans and soap and drawing supplies. Suddenly, I break down.

I know it's significant if people are saying to each other "You notice that Tennille doesn't seem as happy since she hasn't been practicing her Buddhism?"

Why am I STILL putting people before me? Is that neccessary? It's killing me. It's draining me and I try to put myself first and I feel guilt and people will let me know it too.

I'm looking around for something. I'm reading my Shambala Sun magazines. What am I going to find? What will I do with it when I find it? I can't be the hot air balloon in the sky anymore. I need to find my steady ground. Perhaps my fear isn't that I won't ever find it but that I will and good things will happen to me and when they do I won't know what to do with them. I feal I'll find what I'm looking for and then screw something up like I always do. I must be lacking confidence. Perhaps that is what I'm looking for.

The truth is: I'm I'm not good enough. For anyone. My secret? I'm crazy. I'm so afraid everyone will know. The more I try to hide it, the worse it shows. I so desperately don't want anyone to know. I'm afraid I should just always be alone. Despite how much work relationships are and how I'm not ready for the effort yet, the main reason is I am always going to question everyone's true motives and intentions and that will forever screw things up. I am always going to screw things up.

And you know what else? I hate myself. I truly do. There isn't anything good about me. I put on this show that I'm happy and satisfied and maybe that's what makes me look crazy. One second she looks happy the next she's putting herself down. But I'm always putting myself down I just try to hide it. I'm not good enough for anyone. I tell Morgan that all the time. That I don't deserve her as a friend. She is too good and normal and wonderful to have a crazy person as her friend. Feeling like I'm not worth anything...I always push people away.

And it's not Ryan. It's me. I haven't forgiven myself yet for once more setting myself up for another let down. I willingly handed him my heart and he once more returned it in pieces and it almost didn't matter anyway because it was a used heart anyway patched up with tape from the last time he handed it back with a bored expression mid-turn to his next mission. And I held my heart and it's pieces and looked at it and knew that it would never be good enough for anyone ever again and that perhaps this should be the last time I tape it up and just keep it for myself. I can't give it away and I will purposfully screw something up that has the potential of being good. And so starts the destructive behavior. I already think I'm a bad person so what harm can all this be, really?

It's about me. It's about me this time and I'm going to be an even worse person because I'm not going to give a damn about anyone but myself. Take a look at being selfish when everyone always abandoned me. I can tell someone I thought was my friend how great and amazing they are and they will thank me and I will never hear from them again. And you know what? That hurts. It kills my heart over and over again because...once more, what about me? I'm sick of sitting on my past yelling at everyone I've ever felt hurt by. I'm not going to care about them anymore. It's about me and I am calloused and mean now.

I'm lucky though to have a friend like Morgan. She has rescued me too many times and I really am not worthy but she still is always there.

*sigh*

All because I found some damn Harry Potter posters.

Elaine Bradley