Despertar

my star don't shine

Saturday night, the sky opened up and I could see the stars for the first time in probably three months.

Other little details: a sink embarrassingly full of dirty dishes. A blister on my left foot from wearing Valerie's velvet boots, which are half a size too small for me. Justin's cologne, unevenly distributed around his body, so that the smell was stronger in the little groove between his pectorals. A freezing-cold nickel underneath my spine.

*

Back at the beginning, when we had the obnoxious "numbers" talk (his undisclosed, mine slightly lower at the time than it is now--and much lower than his), he tried to use mine as evidence of inadequacy. "What if," he asked, these words exactly, "you're not experienced enough to satisfy me?" Posed with his signature smile, his mischievous smile, his I-might-be-joking-but-I'll-never-tell smile. At the time, not knowing him as well as I do now, I took it very seriously and agonized over it. Didn't want to do certain things because I was afraid he'd start comparing me to past partners. I'm not sure when that changed.

On the one hand, it's a fairly big deal that he can and does make me feel special. Considering where he's been, what and whom he's done. On the other hand, I have a theory. I think every man has been conditioned to compliment every woman on every sexual act, because they know we need our egos stroked, and mediocre sex is better than no sex. For them. I don't know. I'm second-guessing everything, these days. If I feel happy, I talk myself into feeling sad. If I feel sad, I talk myself into feeling happy.

Spidey says go with it. I think I'm going to just go with it.

All of this makes him sound absolutely disgusting, and he's not, obviously. Even when I hate him, I like him. When I'd rather just like him, I kind of [very much like] him.

This is dumb; I don't want to talk about Justin.

*

Among other things, this experience has given me more compassion for:

1. ...anyone who goes after the third or fourth person on the calendar; to Mary's point, I have completely talked myself out of every possible Leading topic on the basis of it's having (a) already been covered in a Leading entry or (b) lost all appeal due to recent Following entries.

2. ...anyone with fewer than six free hours daily to devote to reading the day's Leading entry, then conceiving and actually producing a Following entry that is (a) distinct from all others written thus far and (b) about anything other than the single topic they have already exhausted in various forms throughout every other Following entry thus far. Which I have pretty much failed to do.