The Mess Love makes

Chapter Ten: Don't Leave Me

Chapter Ten

         “I’m so, sorry, Hayley. It must have been such a shock.”

The hushed, crackled voices that sought to give her comfort made the maddening void inside of Hayley seem to pull and push against her ribs; the lump in her throat rough and burning. She wanted to scream. A shock? No. The cancer had all but killed Mrs. Cherél many years before, but Hayley had discovered a new woman inside the stricken, frail shell of the mother she’d known all her life. This new person had shone with love, with determination, with a patient gentleness that made her more human than she’d ever been when she had been healthy. In death, Hayley supposed that her mother had finally found life. And it had been a shock to find that the warming, motherly character that she’d come to know and love, the one she’d dreamed of so much in childhood, was gone. ‘A few years,’ she thought numbly, wanting to scream the words. ‘It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.’

         “Hayley?”
         “Leo!” she threw herself into his arms, comforted by the now odd, but still familiar feeling of his arms around her, his head bowed to hers in the grief she knew he too shared. “Thank you for coming,” she added, drawing away as the slender figure of Laura, clothed in black, followed him through the front door. She nodded her head in acknowledgement. Hayley returned it, stunned and vaguely annoyed that Leo had brought his new wife to share in his ex-girlfriend’s grief, although she knew it was only proper. ‘Yet, where there’s Laura, Alex is never far behind.’ She thought suddenly, as his broad shouldered form filled the door way.

Hayley managed a watery smile, which only partially showed how happy she was to see him. He came forward to press his hand in hers.
         “I know Laura and I never met your mother, but we thought you could use some comfort… and, well…” Alex’s voice trailed off as he realised how many assumptions he’d made. He and Laura were not any where near her best friends – Laura far from it, and he had assumed her point of view on their own relationship from his own hindsight.
         “Thank you very much for coming.” Hayley’s voice sounded automatic, but her eyes said different. Her gaze searched his, and he smiled briefly, knowing suddenly that she was happy to see him. His eyes followed her features as she turned to greet more people. She’d lost weight, so much so that she looked slight and unhealthy. Her face had lost its colour, and her eyes dragged like those of someone who hadn’t slept in a long time.
         “Hails, let me do that for you.” Leo cut in gently, shaking her from the elbow. “I know all these people too, remember? You go sit down.”
Hayley blinked slowly for a moment, looking as if she were going to protest.
         “Ok. You’ll never know how much this means, Leo.” She eventually said slowly, her eyes gaining focus sharply as Laura’s hand fell on his arm.
         “We’ll take care of this,” she said comfortingly. Hayley nodded slightly, acknowledging the goodwill, and the use of the word we. ‘Them. Him and her. The newly weds. And he will never be mine,’ she thought carefully, reminding herself again, and again and again, as Alex took her gently by the arm and led her to the sofa in her living room. She smiled gratefully, looking up at him briefly. The feeling that passed through her as that penetrating gaze locked with hers made her head swim. She felt like she had that night in Italy, when her devastating break up with the man she loved had brought her seeking for comfort in Alex’s arms. And then again, flashes of her clinging to his arm as he guided her to the bench outside the church at their wedding. He always seemed to be there when she needed him.

Clasping him in a sudden hug, shocked that the numbness had recede for a small moment of time, she tried to let him understand how much she appreciated his friendship. She felt his strong arms close around her, giving her what security he could, the muscular wall of his chest reassuring and comforting. Letting go reluctantly, she sat down, casting her eyes away from him. The numbness returned as they fell on a picture of her mother, as old as Hayley was now. The tears didn’t seem to want to come. They’d been sucked into the vast vacuum inside of her and weren’t going to come out. Maybe she’d done all the crying she could in these last three years. Maybe there were none left for the woman who bore her, who hadn’t really been a mother until her last five years of life. God knows, Hayley wanted to cry for her. But the tears wouldn’t come to her eyes – instead they felt dry, itchy and tired.

         “Here.”
Hayley looked up to see Alex thrusting a small glass of wine in front of her nose. She smiled despite herself.
         “Is that your answer to everything?” she asked with a shadow of her former self, as she took the alcohol from him and he sat down next to her.
         “Some things.” He said with a small smile as he rolled his own glass between his hands. “Not everything.”
They lapsed into a gentle, comfortable silence, listening to the murmuring crowd around them.
         “Hayley?”
The couch sank as Leo took the remaining spot next to her. Hayley looked up, seeing his caring face, seeing Laura hovering nervously close by… yet registering nothing.
         “Hails, are you ok?” he tried again, searching her face for the slightest sign that she’d heard him. Slowly, her eyes came into focus and they found their target.
         “Ok?” she whispered. “Yes. Everything is… fine.”
Alex and Leo exchanged a worried glance.
         “It’s alright to show that you’re upset, you know.” Alex tried.
A slow nodding took over her head as her eyes unfocused again, and she stared at the floor near Leo’s foot.
         “Yes. I know.”
Silence elapsed for a moment, before Hayley’s conscious was broken as Laura settled herself onto Leo’s knee. A sharp, aching pain stabbed at her side. Couldn’t anything go right? Everyone she had ever loved had left her. It left her feeling alone, and tired. The stabbing pain in her side stopped, and the world swam into view again, bright in the dusky gloom she had turned the living room into.

Briskly, she stood up.
         “Where are you going?” Alex’s voice called as she began to move away.
         “I’m neglecting the guests.” She said sharply, before turning around and taking a deep breath. A watery smile fell across her face. “Don’t worry about me. I have more important things to attend to. I won’t break down… not yet.”
Leo rose hastily, causing Laura to unceremoniously fall to the couch with a soft ‘oomph’.
         “It’s ok to break down.” He told his friend as she stood twirling the near empty glass in her hand.
         “No.” she replied. “It’s not.” And squaring her shoulders, she bravely marched into the throng of people.

*  *  *  *  *

         Hayley held the front door open as she shook hands with the last mourner. The night air was cold, and the light from her living room looked comforting and warm. Quickly, she refocused her wandering attention on her uncle.
         “Old bat, wasn’t she?” he mused through his thick moustache. “No respect for anybody… hats off to your father for marrying her despite her faults. Though I expect it was her controlling nature that killed him off, eh?”
Smiling despite herself at her Uncle’s brute honesty, Hayley fought to regain some control over the conversation.
         “She wasn’t all that bad. She… she had her moments.”
The ageing man leaned forward to look at his niece from under fierce eyebrows.
         “You remind me a lot of her, when she was young.”
Hayley was astonished. She prided herself greatly on not being like her mother.
         “Yes,” he carried on, “maybe you don’t have the outright tendency to boss people around like they’re ants to do your bidding, but you have the same temperament. Always liked to be in control, she did, just like you. And the way you hold yourself…” he smiled and placed a large hand under her chin. “You have every bit of class she did.”
Recognising that this was the highest compliment he could think to give her, Hayley leant forward to embrace her Uncle, before he brusquely brushed her aside, embarrassed.
         “You take care of yourself, girl.” He instructed as he loped off the front step.
         “Just call if you need anything.” She replied gently as she watched his slow figure climb into his car and crawl off into the night.
         “Hails?” Laura called from behind her as she came into the hallway. “I’m so sorry… I wish we could stay, but we have to be off.”
To her surprise, a flood of relief washed over Hayley.
         “Oh.” She answered. “Are you sure?”
         “Yeah. Sorry, babes.” Leo added as he helped his wide into her coat.
         “If you need anything, anything at all, you just give us a ring, alright?” Laura added kindly as she passed Hayley at the door.
         “Don’t worry, I will.” Hayley assured her, embracing her quickly, before sinking into Leo’s arms for a final hug.

As they walked down the drive, Hayley turned to see Alex’s silhouette against the light of her kitchen.
         “Do you have to go, or can you stay here for a bit?
         “I can stay.”
A soft sigh of thanks escaped her lips as she closed the door behind her back, and took off her shoes. Alex followed the sound of her feet tapping against the ground as she passed him at the doorway to her kitchen. She picked up a glass, beyond caring whose, and poured herself what was left of the red wine. Her companion’s eyes clouded with uncertainty as he watched her walk to the sink and stare out into the garden, sipping at her wine. All of a sudden, a smashing sound was heard.

Alex hurried over to where his friend was standing to find that she still held the base of the wine glass in her hand. Evidently, she had squeezed the glass so hard that it had finally shattered. A whimper caused him to realise that she was finally crying.
         “Hey, hey.” He said quickly, squeezing her wrist so that she let the rest of the glass fall into the sink with the other pieces with a thud, before slipping an arm round her shoulders and pulling her into the warmth of his chest.
Loosely wrapping her arms around him, Hayley continued to cry the bottomless pit of tears that she had been waiting for. Alex patted her back soothingly, his own throat choked at hearing her anguish. Slowly, her wails subsided, and turned into quiet sniffs. She raised her head, and a rush of air cooled the patch of skin on Alex’s shoulder that had been wet through his shirt by her tears.
         “It’s not fair.” She sobbed quietly.
         “No, it’s never fair to lose somebody.” Alex said faintly, not knowing how to comfort her.
         “We were only just getting to know each other,” she stammered, “And now I’ve lost her. I used to wish she was dead, and now she is.”
         “It’s not your fault that she’s dead,” Alex chided her, feeling as if he were talking to a small child. “You don’t die because someone wishes it.”
A shaking of her head alerted him to his mistake.
         “I know that.” She snapped half heartedly. “It’s just… ironic.”
His response was to pull her back into his embrace.
         
As she sank into the comfort he was wrapping her in, Alex heard her mumble something.
         “What?”
She raised her head and looked him squarely in the eye.
         “I said…” she faltered as if embarrassed before pressing ahead. “I said, I feel lonely when you’re not here. Especially since Mum… since Wednesday.” She amended. “Everyone I have ever loved has left me. Except for you.”
         “I’m not going anywhere.” He said gently as she nestled her cheek back into his chest.
         “You promise?” she whispered, hearing his heart beat, feeling the rumble in his chest as he spoke and his gentle hands stroking her hair.
         “I promise.” He replied, rocking her body back and forth gently. “Do you want me to stay the night?”
There was silence whilst Hayley thought it over.
         “Yes,” she finally decided, snuggling further into her friend’s caring caress. “Thank you.”
         “No problem. I can stay on the couch…”
         “The bed in the guest room is still made up from your last visit.”
         “It wasn’t very long ago, was it?”
         “No.” Hayley said, smiling a bit. “Just last weekend.”
         “René won’t mind will she?”
         “No. She’s not here anyway, as you haven’t noticed…”
Alex smiled and laid his head on top of hers.
         “Guilty as charged.” He confessed. “I was more worried about looking after you.”
         “Ah well.” Hayley replied, brushing aside his comment. “She won’t be back for a few days.”
         “Why? Didn’t she want to be here? To…”
         “To look after me?” she finished for him, sleepily. “Yeah, she did. But I told her I didn’t want her here. Besides, she has a court case up in Manchester. It would have been a long commute every day if she stayed here.”
         “That was a noble thing of you to do, letting her go away at this sort of time, when you need people.”
         “Not really.” She said into his chest as she turned her head to look up at him. “I didn’t want anyone to witness my inevitable break down.”
Alex smiled sheepishly down at her.
         “Sorry.”
         “No, it’s ok.” She hurried to ease his mind. “You handled it better than anyone else would have.”
         “Really?” he asked, surprised.
         “Yes.”
         “Oh.” He replied, not knowing what to say.
         “Alex?”
         “Mmhmm?” he mumbled into her hair as their slow, rocking dance carried on.
         “Thank you.”