I'm Studying You

The 12-year-old in me is on life support.

Good evening, fans of this creepy little crawlspace of internet I like to refer to as The Library, and a belated Happy New Year to all y'all. Without further ado, I'd like to start the year off properly. Or properly off.

Fuck you, Axl Rose.

Fuck you and your orange cornrows, like you're the bastard son of Carrot Top and a Raggedy Ann doll. Fuck you and your whole look. 1991 called, and they want Axl back. Your guitarist paints his face and wears a KFC bucket on his head... is this because that's how little you pay him, or because he's afraid to be seen playing with you, or a combination of both? And fuck you for the joke that will become of Chinese Democracy. That's my word.

Anyone who knows anything about me, Studyees, knows that I am passionate and opinionated about music. Jess, loving girlfriend of the ringleader of this fantastic piece of internet timewasting my Stoggers seem to love indulging, even bought me a bag I keep my lunchtime consumables in that says "music = life" that I proudly swing over my shoulder on days I have to go out into the world and earn the few bucks I need to support both my blogging and eardrum-infecting habits. If you need further proof, knock on 542 and pray that I might be home...maybe there's something in my almost 700-strong cd collection that will tickle your listening fancy. (By the way Noe...the dream vacation of yours that happens in your head doesn't include a stop at Chez 542 in Buffalo?!? I'm hurt. Hurt, I tell you. )

I am also informed. I read plenty of magazines and hit up a lot of my musicfiend buddies whenever I can (miss ya, Ash) to get as much knowledge as I can about not only my favorite bands, but also to scour them for new artists I could potentially add to my collection.

So it is, and so it shall be, Stoggers: I did buy the new Guns N' Roses cd. Sixteen years (give or take), or almost half my life, in the making. Luckily, I spent so much of that time broadening my musical horizons that I gave up just about all hope of hearing the long-rumored release of Chinese Democracy.

Why am I complaining? For starters, aside from the fact that this album has been celebrated for years long before completion, there is nothing Chinese or Democratic about it. And unless anyone can tell me otherwise, I'm not seeing it outside of hints in maybe 2 or 3 of the 13 songs.

Also, seriously...some of the songs are just too damn long for their own good. Especially the poppier songs. Catchy hooks and choruses are only catchy for so long, then they just get annoying. Luckily, the sucky wannabe GNR songs are also the shortest. I'm all for artists trying to expand on their creative visions, but not for the purpose of extending a song (or their relevancy), and not for the sake of rehashing a formula that worked in the pre-reality show days of MTV. Quality shouldn't come from quantity.

And lastly, Axl, why bother putting this out under the GNR moniker? Homes, that band is dead. You are the only member of the original band still in the band. I could cut this cd some slack if it were authored by Axl Rose, or Axl & His Hired Guns, or some other stupid name, but why ruin the rep associated with Appetite For Destruction with an overproduced and underworked mishmash of music that is so uncategorical? It makes me wish you'd actually taken the sincerity you put in your performance with Tom Petty at the VMA's on his "Free Fallin'" and channelled that into something more inspired and less overhyped.

All that said, there are 3 or 4 songs I really, really like. Thank whoever your savior is that I don't have youtube on my phone, so as not to be left with the option of being able to post a video of a band that in its prime was one that inspired me to want to be a rock star and now has inspired me to be that much more of a critic.

That's it for tonight Stoggers. I have a fancy little lady upstairs who is already asleep and kinda miffed that I'm not there next to her as well. I guess she had intentions of spoiling me, but I decided to spoil myself with some alone time. Besides, after buying a shit-ton of groceries on my dime, making her a late breakfast, waiting for her to finish reading her stupid book (no offense Lisa, but 37-year-olds don't need to read Twilight) and refilling her coffee, then waiting for her to get ready so we could run her errands just to use my gift card to Applebees to take her to dinner, I should be entitled to some things on my days off. I swear, all some girls want is sex. I may wake her up in the mornings when my loins are awake before my brain, but I shall spare you good people of the things she performed apparently while I dozed just enough to miss out on. She reminded me plenty. But I don't care...she's still my hot piece and I still made time for the boys and managed to put all my clothes away from the laundry (while making more, which I shall take care of tomorrow).

Now with all due respect, GOODNIGHT NOW!!