Lani's Blog

Challenging Myself

Lt. Cmd Benjamin Sisko couldn't believe it. They had brought him back here again. Why? The sights, sounds and even the smells of the destroyed Saratoga were all around him. Even though the Commander knew it was a memory, he still felt all of the emotions as if it was still happening. And Jennifer, his wife, how many times would the aliens that brought him here make him endure her death?





"I don't want to be here," said Sisko.





"Then why do you exist here? replied the alien inhabiting a Jennifer body.





Confused, the Commander answered, "I don't understand."





"You exist here," alien-Jennifer returned with firmness.








                                            -from Star Trek Deep Space Nine The Emissary





I loved this of episode Deep Space Nine. My heart understood before my mind did. It's about not carrying your past around with you. It's about not letting every decision be influence by a single emotional event. It's about where your heart lives.





    Taking the 31 day challenge in December really opened my eyes to writing possibilities. I found myself writing about events from my childhood. Events with strong emotions that are dark. I'm not sorry that I wrote about them. I needed to do it, but I don't want to stay there. I don't want to exist there.


     


    17The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him[Jesus]. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:


18 The Spirit of the Lord is on me,


      because he has anointed me


      to preach good news to the poor.


  He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners


      and recovery of sight for the blind,


  to release the oppressed,


    19 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."


    20 Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The  eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, 21and he began by saying to them, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."


                        Luke 4:17-21.





    I have had lots of prayer and healing and therapy over the years. I have had lots of antidepressants and coping mechanisms. But it all comes down to this: Do I believe Jesus? Did He set me free or not? If He did, why do I sometimes go to my default position of isolation and depression? Why not work out it with Him?  I have to stop judging Him. He did not chose evil. Family members did. I am the created. I cannot judge the Creator.....This makes God seem rather remote and He is not. I want to expand more on this theme later.





    I want to live in the Light. There are books I want to read and possibly blog about them.  Right now I am reading Waking the Dead, The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive, by John Eldredge. Its about finding the abundant life Christ promised and why so few of us have it. Mr. Eldredge also wrote and cowrote two of my favorite books: Wild at Heart and Captivating.  I want to reread them.





    Another book I want to read it How to be a Christian without being Religious. by Fitz Ridnour. It's an old book I found in a second hand shop. It is a study of the book of Romans. Manifest Presence by Jack Hayford is about finding God's Grace through worship. I've had some of these books several years and I am feeling the energy and will to start.





    I want my writing to reflect the positive. How can you NOT be depressed if you work in dark emotions. I had a friend who actually said, after I asked him to read a story," Not if its another betrayal story. All your stuff is about betrayal." Funny, that's not how I would have characterized it. And yet, the pieces that get the most traffic in my port are the positive ones.





    But positive doesn't mean sappy or sloppy. I consider "First Day of School"  to be positive in a bittersweet way. And the poem "In My Hands"  is a positive surrender. And it doesn't mean I've lost my sense of humor. I just want out of the ruts that I have been traveling in real life. I want more balance. Less focus on one thing (writing for example) and more focus on my whole life. How things are working or not. Maybe, I can make my writing more better (as they say) and that will help the process.





    I guess what I am saying is that I want for the blog to be a little more spiritual, more positive and more intentional. I want my writing to be a reflection of the gift He gave me. I will probably write once a week or so in the blog. I will continue short stories and poetry. I write all these intentions like I know what the future will bring. I don't. I may flame or fritter out or get disgusted, distracted or implode. Stay tuned.  One more quote and I'm done, I promise.





                8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Philipians 4:8-9.





P.S. This feels slapped together, but I have been thinking about it awhile. Please feel free to tell me I'm full of it or correct the grammar. I set myself a high bar. I can't wait to see if I can jump it.