Complex Numbers

Pursuit of Happiness

I like science. Science is good. Science leads to a rational worldview and technological advances, and a better understanding of the universe.

However, things like this make me want to kick something.

10 Things Science Says Will Make You Happy

http://www.alternet.org/healthwellness/111138/10_things_science_says_will_make_y...

1. Savor Everyday Moments
Pause now and then to smell a rose or watch children at play...

Look, the last time I stopped to smell a rose, a bee came out and stung me on my damn nose. And the last time I was watching children at play, a couple of big, beefy cops came up and took me away. Now I'm on a List.


2. Avoid Comparisons
...Instead of comparing ourselves to others, focusing on our own personal achievement leads to greater satisfaction...

My personal achievement needs to include doing better than the Joneses.


3. Put Money Low on the List
...“The more we seek satisfactions in material goods, the less we find them there...”

I don't want material goods. I just want money. Enough money so I don't have to work anymore. Keep the "material goods." Just give me money.


4. Have Meaningful Goals
“As humans, we actually require a sense of meaning to thrive.”

My goal is to have money. That's meaningful.


5. Take Initiative at Work
...when we express creativity, help others, suggest improvements, or do additional tasks on the job, we make our work more rewarding...

BFPPPHHHAHAHAHAHA! When you do all THAT shit at work, most places, they'll either fire you or look at you like you're weird.


6. Make Friends, Treasure Family
Happier people tend to have good families, friends, and supportive relationships

Whereas everyone I know has a dysfunctional family, and talking about it makes them happy (see this week's Comedy newsletter for more details).


7. Smile Even When You Don’t Feel Like It
...Even if you weren’t born looking at the glass as half-full, with practice, a positive outlook can become a habit.

I'm positive. I'm positive this article is a crock of horsepuckey.


8. Say Thank You Like You Mean It
...people who write “gratitude letters” to someone who made a difference in their lives score higher on happiness, and lower on depression...

I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It really makes a difference to me. There - I'm going to be positively GLOWING for the next month.


9. Get Out and Exercise
...regular exercise offers a sense of accomplishment and opportunity for social interaction, releases feel-good endorphins, and boosts self-esteem.

The last time I went to the gym, there in the locker room was the elderly judge who presides over the Federal Grand Jury on which I've been serving for most of a year now. He was completely starkers, bent over and toweling off his leg. I will never, ever be able to get that image out of my mind, even with a 55-gallon drum of eyebleach. If this is what regular exercise has to offer, you can freaking KEEP it.


10. Give It Away, Give It Away Now!
...you get more health benefits than you would from exercise or quitting smoking...

Oh good; that means I don't have to exercise or quit smoking. Provided I don't have to see any naked judges, that's Just Fine With Me. Oh, and that song you quoted? One of the stupidest ever.

This list sucks. I need a Cracked list as an antidote.

Here:

6 Obnoxious Old People Habits (Explained by Science)

See? We're still talking about science here, but this one's going to be GREAT.

http://www.cracked.com/article_16952_6-obnoxious-old-people-habits-explained-by-...

How many times have you gotten behind some large sedan going 30 mph on the highway, only to notice it's being driven by someone born during the Great Depression? Do you stop to say, "One day, that'll be me!"

Because it will.

Now I'm happy.