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Letter to Bert upon receiving a belated package from Santa

Letter to Fivesixer upon receiving a belated package from Santa

Dear Bert,

It's calm here, sunny, feels like Spring. Too bad it's going to be Zero where you are tonight. Do I miss your weather? Not! But we are both better off than Andra in Bismarck. -16 is chilly for a high, don't ya think?

Anyhoo, I got this package today. It wouldn't fit into my mailbox so I had to go to the postal window ... Imagine my shock when the stamp was a Santa with a cigarette dangling from his mouth! He needed a shave. Since it was after the holidays it looked like his Ho-Ho-Ho had turn into a hangovered "no-no-no, don't use the flash". I did like his return address, some place near my mother's house. Never knew Santa spent his vacation time in Depew. Ewwww. And what's that pink rose doing there? Nice orange and green smiley face stickers though.

I would best describe the package as bound up tighter than a cowboy burning at a stake ... enough ducktape to hold me speechless for a month. Was that a subliminal message Santa sent? But I'm tough. Me and my knife sliced through it lickity-split. Guess what popped out first? A paper holder for Birch Beer! I had my hopes up. Nope. No bottles in sight. Hope Santa enjoyed drinking it all to himself.

And then the newspaper. Want Ads from the Buffalo News. Another message? Not so subtle, let me tell ya. Santa must've talked to my mom. Maybe he's her neighbor? But there were some goodies. I really enjoyed the Sunday colored comic page from January 4th. Seems Santa took the express from the North Pole and headed directly south. Seems he brought the weather with him. Did he travel that one windy day when the tail winds were blowing 80 mph? An inquiring mind wants to know.

But my-oh-my. Hidden behind Family Circus, there was this square black thing. I figured maybe Santa had sent a picture of you and you-know-who. But it was a book! Hawksley burns for Isadora by Hawksley Workman; prose poetic verse and nude drawings! Didn't look like Santa thumbed through it first. ***Whew*** TMI is TMI. However it also came with a Moleskine notebook complete with a pen. I think Santa is annoyed I haven't written him since I was 6.

The Weber's horseradish mustard is precious though (since 1922? That's when my mother was born). Am I supposed to put it on my moose jerky or moose poop? My memory of it is that it can cover the taste of anything including leftover meatloaf.

I haven't opened up the ivory covered club yet though. Maybe it's a sausage! Size does matter and this one is huge!!! It's like opening up an egg case of a salmon, except the bubble wrap is clearer. I'm not supposed to eat it like caviar am I? I don't think a spider momma wraps her eggs any better. Santa's elves must've been very naughty. This is packaged like a grenade. Oops it gurgled. Some kind of liquid! Cold brewed draft. Maybe some Vernor's or a Genny? Two bottles! Wrapped together with enough masking tape to make a painter weep. Santa must've hit a close-out sale.

Ah, two bottles of Stewart's Birch Beer! (since 1924? Santa must know my mother. ) And they fit into that cardboard carrying case. Hey, wait ... that carrying case is for 4 bottles! Hmmm, either the elves have been nippin' or Santa and Mrs. Claus shared a couple.

Anyhoo, Bert. Just thought I'd let you know. Santa used your face and your home address. I now know where to ship all that moose poop.

Have fun with it all! It'll be delivered by dump truck. Will the driveway do?

Peace, Kåre.

Montana: 39º at 15:00
Buffalo: 10º at 17:00

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