Complicated

Josh

12

When I woke up, I found myself in a dark room, blinds blocking out the beautiful December sky. I lay in bed for several minutes before I realized I wasn’t alone. Steady, even breathing was coming from the darkness. I rolled onto my side. A small smile jumped to my lips. We were sharing the bed.

I read the clock on his nightstand. It was nine o’clock in the morning—Sunday morning. I looked down at his sleeping body and gently brushed the too long bangs out of his closed eyes. He was so peaceful when he slept.

“Josh,” I whispered to him.

His beautiful blue eyes fluttered open. They slid to his digital clock then to me. He slowly sat up, covers sliding off his body. I smothered a giggle as I realized he was shirtless. His chiseled muscles were lean. My stomach tightened; oh my gosh, he was so hot. How come I had never noticed?

He smiled and I felt dizzy.

“Good morning,” I said.

He reached out and touched my face, reassuring himself that I was alive. “Morning,” he murmured, brow furrowed.

“Did you sleep well?” I asked him.

He raised an eyebrow at me. “Are you kidding? I lay awake half the night, worrying about you. It was scary as hell. For the longest time, I thought you weren’t gonna make it,”

Guilt made me drop my gaze. “I’m sorry, Josh. I’m so sorry. I won’t ever do that again.”

He laughed softly. “Obviously, I’m never letting you out of my sight again.”

I grinned and hugged him, relieved. “Don’t ever leave my side.”

We sat there, locked in an embrace for several moments. I breathed deeply the smell of this new life. It was foreign but welcome. And it was all because of Josh. I whispered to him, “Thank you, Josh. Thank you so much. You have given me another chance at life. Nothing can thank you enough.”

He whispered in return, “Your love is enough.”

My stomach flooded with butterflies. He remained so calm, stroking my arm.

“I do,” I admitted, somewhat embarrassed, “but I thought that I realized my love too late. I thought I’d never have a chance to tell you.”

He looked at me and shook his head. “You always have control over saying what you need to say. You can always make time to speak.”

I sat in silence. He was right.

“I love you, Micky.”

I smiled. “I figured as much since you rescued me.”

More silence, comfortable and reassuring.

“Why’d you do it?” I asked him.

“Because I love you…?” He replied slowly, slightly puzzled by my question.

“No,” I said clarifying, “why did you rescue me after all you’d done was ignore me? Why did you give me mixed signals and still come through for me?”

He smiled. “Oh. Well, once upon a time, you said you liked simple. You said that I reminded you that you’re not as simple as you’d like to think. You said you wanted simple. Micky, I’m anything but simple, but because I love you, I gave you what you wanted. Of course, after all, what you wanted wasn’t what you needed. You needed me, but I chose to stay away because I didn’t want you to feel obligated to like me or to hate me because I was there for you.”

I thought about that for a moment. “For love?” I asked, still somewhat incredulous.

He chuckled. “Yep.”

“Wow,” I breathed, “Love is a powerful thing.”

“Yep, that’s why it is so often displayed in literature, art, movies…everywhere you look. It is an important natural force.”

I nodded. “You know, it’s ironic actually. On one hand, my sister killed herself for love, and on the other, you saved me because of love. How can love drive to do such drastically opposite things?”

“Love is complicated like that,” he replied, shrugging, “Love and Life, the two most complicated things out there.”

I was all too familiar with the complicated life thing. We lapsed into another silence. My eyes had grown accustomed to the darkness by now. I found myself gazing at Josh’s room for the first time.

He had a small TV and gaming system on the floor directly adjacent to his bed. In one corner, a stereo with tones of CDs, probably close to eighty, resided on a low shelf. I noted that the CDs ranged from country to oldies to classic rock to alternative to hip-hop—every genre imaginable, save opera, was represented in his room. His desk was crammed in another corner, papers scattered everywhere. Artist drawing pads and pencils littered the floor around his desk. His bookshelf wasn’t any tidier than the rest of his room. I was quite impressed by his large collection of STAR WARS books.

“You an artist?” I asked, leaving his bed to scoop up an open pad at the foot of his nightstand. I studied the picture.

“Yeah,” he said nervously.

The picture was gorgeous. Upon further reflecting, I realized it was me. Josh had captured me perfectly. My chin rested against my right shoulder. My eyes gazed up through thick lashes into a studious space. Dark curls spilled over my shoulders and down my back.

“Wow,” I whispered, “You…You are an amazing artist.”

He rubbed his hands together. He pressed his lips then turned to chewing his lower lip—a habit I had noticed earlier.

“You like it?” He asked, still nervous.

“Yes!” I exclaimed, “Why are you so nervous?”

He turned away his cheek ever so slightly from me, embarrassed.

I flipped to the next page. This page was a water color. Once again I was the focus of the picture. This time, there was a figure in white behind me. I frowned the figure was obviously a woman, but she had no head.

I looked at Josh. “Who is this?” I asked pointing to my mysterious shadow.

Josh was fervently studying the wallpaper. “It’s you…and your sister, Amber. I didn’t know what she looked like…”

I smiled. I took hold of his chin with my thumb and forefinger and turned his face back to mine. “Well…her face kind of looked like mine but older. She had blond curls and green eyes.” I grinned, “A lot of people thought we were twins.”

His soft blue eyes developed a strange mischievous edge to them.

It suddenly dawned on me that he had never actually met my sister. How did he even know she existed?

“How did you know I had a sister?” I asked, losing myself in his gorgeous blue eyes.

He dropped his gaze again. “Your note.”

I frowned. What note—oh, yeah, that note. “You read it?”

Josh dissolved into a scared little boy. “Yes…I painted the picture after reading it, waiting to fall asleep.”

I smiled. “That’s fine. Not like Amber will ever read it and saves me the trouble of having to explain everything to you.”

“You’re not mad?” He asked, relieved.

“Nope.”

He grinned, relaxing in relief. The mischievous look returned to his eyes.

I started to think about what all I had written in there. Amber was dead; Mom was gone; Dad was gone; Derek was gone; Sarah was a coldhearted bitch; Ron was a pothead. That was pretty much the summary.

My house was empty. I’d be alone for the anniversary of The Day. I’d be alone for Christmas—oh, yeah…it was all coming back to me now.

“What’s wrong?” Josh asked.

“Josh?” I asked him.

“Yeah?”

“Think I could hang out here? I mean…at least until my dad comes back home. My house is completely empty.”

Josh shrugged. “I don’t see why not. We just have to check in with my mom.” He grinned. “And you’ll have to sleep in the guest bedroom. And you’ll have to get some of your own clothes, I only have so many to spare.”

I looked down. I realized I was wearing his clothes. His fleece pajama pants were way too long and his t-shirt was too loose. But he had provided me. I smiled. “Yeah, thanks for the oversized pj’s. And I take it you weren’t supposed to share the bed with me?”

He grinned, mischief even more present. “My mom said good night to me in the guest bedroom, but around one o’clock in the morning, I snuck in here. My mom didn’t wake me up this morning to make me move, so I’m guessing that she thinks I slept in the guest bedroom. Oh, speaking of my mom, she washed your clothes after…er, bathing you.” His eyes dropped for just a second, then flitted back to mine. “I think your clothes are in the dryer, but we’ll have to check.”

“Okay,” I replied, “We can go back to my house and grab some stuff for my stay as soon as I get dressed.”

“How long do you think you’ll be here?” He asked sheepishly, “My mom will need to know.”

“Well, my dad said he’d back by December twenty-seventh—in the evening, so that’s like a week and a half.”

“Well, if you’re gonna be here that long, and for Christmas might I add, you need to meet my family. You’ll be seeing a lot of them.”

“Okay,” I said.

He stood and tugged a grey t-shirt from the floor over his head. He grinned. “Sorry.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever, it’s fine with me. You should see my room. It’s usually much worse.”

I stood in the middle of his room while he threw open his blinds. We squinted at the sunlight that flooded his room. I noticed that his room was painted a deep gold color. His eyes were positively glowing a mischievous blue.

“Hey, you want to get dressed first?” He asked, nodding toward my bed attire.

I grinned. “It would be nice.”

“Right, let me go get your stuff.”

I sat back down on the bed. I discovered more artist pads on the floor and began flipping through them. Josh had etched, painted, and traced a variety of subjects. He was an outstanding artist.

Josh returned with an armful of laundry. “Your stuff should be somewhere in here.”

We attacked the pile and pulled out my jeans, grey hoodie, t-shirt, and socks. Josh turned his back to me as I pulled his pajamas off and pulled my clothes on. I took a deep breath; my clothes smelled like him. I smiled and told Josh he could turn around. Josh scooped up the other laundry and said, “Ready for a tour of my house?”

I tugged on the socks and grinned, “Yep.”

“Shall we?” He asked.

We left his room, and Josh took off down the hall to the laundry room. He dumped the armful on the floor and held his hand out to me. I took it and we trotted down the stairs. His little brother Samuel was cramming Cap’n’Crunch into his little seven year-old mouth as fast as he could. He coughed out a hello, bits of cereal spewing. I wrinkled my nose and returned the greeting. I’d never had a brother, just a sister.

“Now, my mom’s at the grocery store,” Josh said, backing into the living room and pulling me with, “so this will have to do for now—photos…She’s this one, with the dark straight hair…And that guy’s my dad…He left when Sammy here turned three. Real nice guy,” he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes, “Haven’t seen him since.”

I nodded, “Your mother is beautiful.”

He smiled. “I share her good looks.”

“Oh, yes!” I chimed in. “I can tell!”

We laughed as Sammy made a face at us. Josh continued the tour of his family and his house. Everything had a safe, settled feel to it. I loved it.

Finally, we made it back up to Josh’s room. He grinned, “I think you’ve already seen this room—messy as it is.”

I shrugged. “It’s fine. It captures you like your drawing captures me—Perfect.”

His check reddened with embarrassment and pride. “Thanks, Micky. Maybe you should try my mom with that. Maybe you’d convince her to stop harping on me to clean up my room.”

“I doubt it…” I added.

“Yeah, me, too, but it’s worth a shot.”

We smiled at each other.

“What I need to tell your mom is ‘thank you.’” I said, sitting down at the foot of his bed. “Come to think of it, I owe your while family a ‘thank you.’ If it weren’t for you, who knows where I’d be. And if your mom wasn’t so kind, I’d still be a frozen popsicle. And Sammy…well, at least he doesn’t hate me. I can thank him for acceptance.”

Josh was grinning like an idiot, his chest puffed out with pride from my compliments. He sat down beside me, sliding his arm around my shoulder. I looked up at him; that strange mischievous look was back.

“What?” I asked, my stomach tightening in anticipation. Josh just grinned wider. My face and neck flushed as he cradled my jaw in his hands. I wrapped my arms around him, my fingers meeting his untidy brown hair. His soft lips touched mine, and for the first time, our lips locked in my first real kiss.

Josh studied my face. A smile curved his lips, and he kissed me again. I rubbed my nose against his cheek and kissed the edge of his mouth. Josh lowered me back onto his bed and I held onto him tightly. He kissed me again, rougher this time, not holding back. My lips parted beneath his, and he tasted so sweetly. I kissed Josh and knew there was no going back. I would never want anything else.

A door slammed downstairs, and Sammy exclaimed a hello to his mommy. She set groceries on the counter and called up, “Josh? You up there?”

Josh pulled back and responded, “Yes ma’am.”

“You wanna give me a hand with these groceries?”

Josh smiled at me. “Ready to go thank my mom?”

I grinned and nodded. He slid off the bed and pulled me to his side. “Let’s go.” He said.

He led me down the stairs again. This time, I stopped in the kitchen to thank his mom.

Mrs. West looked up from her purse, surprised to see me. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “Oh, are you all right? I see you found your clothes.”

I smiled and said, “Thank you so much for your kindness, Mrs. West. I really don’t know how to repay you.”

She smiled. “You’re very welcome, Micky. You can just call me Jenny. And you can repay us all by taking good care of Josh. He needs a friend in this world.”

I hid a smile and said, “Don’t we all.”

She chuckled. “True, true.”

Josh stumbled in with armfuls of bags. “I got the rest of them.” He told Jenny.

He placed the bags on the kitchen counter and smiled at me. “Hey, Mom, Micky wants to know if she can stay here for a while,” he shrugs, “like until her dad gets back in town.”

Jenny nods. “Absolutely, but if you’re gonna live with the West family, you’re gonna have to be a part of the family.”

I asked nervously, “What do you mean?”

She smiled, “You’ll get your fair share of chores and rewards, and I’ll ground you if I have to. Just because you don’t have a parent, that doesn’t give you the right to be obnoxious. Besides, you have to have some guardian, and I’ll take full responsibility for you.”

My jaw almost dropped. “For real?” I asked.

She laughed and said, “If Josh can put up with you, so can the rest of us.”

Josh rolled his eyes. “Mom…”

Jenny smiled at her elder son and said, “Josh, we all know that you have feelings for Micky. You don’t need to hide it.”

Josh groaned and shook his head. “Do you see what you’re getting yourself into?” He asked me. “Maybe you were right to stay away.”

I laughed. “No, if you can put up with her, I’m pretty sure I can, too. After all, she is a mom and not some silly high school girl.”

Jenny smiled. “True, again, Micky. Well, kids, I’m gonna put up these groceries then how about some lunch?”

I threw Josh a look. He knew I didn’t eat.

Josh cleared his throat. “Actually, Mom, we were gonna go to Micky’s house and pick up a few things for her stay. Is that okay?”

“Now?” Jenny asked.

Josh nodded. “Yes, ma’am, that’s what we were hoping to do. Plus, Micky just got up, so I doubt she’ll want any lunch yet.”

She frowned. “Are you sure, honey?” She asked me.

I smiled. “I really don’t eat much.”

She laughed. “I noticed. You’re as thin as a stick.”

I nodded. “Yeah, food…whatever.”

Jenny shook her head. “What about you Josh? Aren’t you hungry?”

I looked at him. Yeah? He hadn’t said a thing about himself.

Josh shook his head. “Just got up myself, Mom. Look, if either of us gets hungry, I’ll take care of it.”

“All right,” Jenny said reluctantly. “Just be careful out there. The road is icy. Joshua, you better drive slowly.”

“Mom, I always drive slowly.”

Jenny snorted. “You drive carefully, all right?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Josh replied, exasperated.

He waved me to the garage. We hopped in his silver KIA and backed out of his driveway.

“Your mom seems nice.” I told Josh. “I like her.”

Josh grinned. “Yeah, she’s great.”

He stared at the road before him for a moment. “You know, you really should consider eating a little more than nothing. You fainted at the CVS from starving yourself.”

My insides shrank from the rebuke, and my stomach recoiled from the thought of food. Josh glanced at my pained expression and said reassuringly, “Don’t worry. We’ll ease back into eating, and I never said you had to overeat—just get enough nutrients in you to keep you alive.”

I gave him a small smile. “That is your goal, isn’t it?”

He grinned. “Keeping you alive? Naw. Keeping you safe, that’s my goal.”

I gave him a contented sigh and said, “You really are the best.”

“Thank you.” He smiled.

Josh turned out of his neighborhood, and I realized that he lived about ten miles south of my neighborhood.

“Do you need directions to my house?” I asked him.

Josh chuckled. “That would be helpful, but I’m pretty sure I can get us half way there.” He said, referring to the day when I gave him a ride and bought him an umbrella. I had come from the north direction. He’s so observant, I told myself.

I directed him to my neighborhood. I pointed to my little house, and Josh pulled the KIA into the driveway. We got out of the car. I looked up at the building, remembering that the last time I had seen was going to be my last time to ever see it. And here I was, standing before it again.

I led Josh to the front door, unlocked the door, and entered. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

“What’s wrong?” Josh asked, standing behind me.

I shuddered. “It feels too weird to be here. Let’s hurry, ok?”

Josh nodded. “You can take as little or as much time as you need.”

I started up the stairs. I turned back to Josh when he wasn’t following. I gestured for him to come up. “Never leave my side, remember?” I said playfully.

Josh smiled. “Yes, ma’am!”

I walked down the familiar hallway and into the familiar room. I looked at my made bed. I couldn’t go any further. My feet refused to move.

Josh placed hands on my waist. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to be here.”

Josh whispered in my ear, “It’ll just take a few minutes to pack a few things and leave. You can do it.”

Can I? Can I do it? Can I live?

Josh prodded me further inside the room. I hesitated but gave in and headed to my closet for my suitcase. I threw the doors open and pulled my blue luggage out. I set it gently on my bed. I sighed and turned to Josh.

“It’s unreal.”

He frowned. “What?”

“This.”

His brow furrowed deeper. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I can’t believe that I’m alive, that you’re here, that my mom is gone, that my dad will come back, that I’ll see everybody from school again, that Life is still happening,” I felt the tears well up. “I can’t believe that Amber is dead, that Derek isn’t coming back, that Ron smokes, that I love you. Josh, this whole thing is unreal, and when this part, the part where I’m with you, comes to an end, and I have to go back to living here and seeing my father and going to school with them…I don’t think I’ll be able to survive. I don’t think I’ll be able to face my old life ever again. I can’t do it. I can’t go on.”

Josh shook his head and took my hands in his. “No, Micky, no, that’s just it. That’s the beauty of me never leaving your side. You’ll always have me. That sets this Life apart from your old one. You’ll be able to survive. You can do it.”

I nodded. After a moment, I said, “You’re right, Josh. You’re always right.”

I dropped his hands and began to pack. I wanted to leave this old life behind. I wanted to move on and never think about or see my old life ever again. I bit my lip. It’s not fair. Amber never had a savior. She never got her second chance. She never moved on. She’s stuck in the past.

I walked across the room to my drawers and began pulling garments out.

“Are you all right?” Josh asked.

I sniffled and wiped my hands under my eyes. I was crying. I nodded and slammed the drawer shut. I looked to my left where Amber’s drawers were. I placed my garments on my bed then strode across the room and yanked her drawers open. Photos and papers and clothes exploded and covered the floor. I ripped the drawer out of the chest and threw it to the ground. I gripped the handle of the next drawer, prepared to rip it out, too, but gentle yet strong hands gripped mine.

“Micky,” Josh said, “Micky!”

I collapsed in his arms and sobbed. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair, Josh, she’s dead, it’s not fair…”

“Sh,” Josh hushed, “It’ll be okay, Micky, It’ll be okay.”

I shuddered. “Oh, Josh, why did she have to die? Why didn’t she have a savior, too?”

Josh took in a deep breath, stroking my hair. “I don’t know, Micky, I don’t know.”

I cried into his shirt until I had no more tears. I sat there, in his arms, breathing in his scent, living off of him.

Gradually, my breathing returned to normal. I sighed and looked at the mess I had made. Photos of her were scattered across the carpet. Scraps of paper littered the floor as well. One scrap caught my eye.

I leaned over and picked up a small square of paper. It was elegantly folded and had my name scripted on it. I looked at Josh. He shrugged. I opened it.

It was a letter from Amber. It read:


Dear Micky,

My little sister, Micky, I owe you a huge explanation. I’m sorry things ended the way they did, but I must be frank. I’m tired of this life. It gives me nothing but pain. All my life, I have felt like there is something more than this life. I have heard that it is great and grand and well worth a crappy life here.

How can something so great exist on the other side when life sucks here? Is it some sort of cruel game? Is it some being’s amusement? Whatever the case, I’m tired of this life and am going to see how grand the next life is.

Don’t worry about me, Micky. Don’t let this affect you too much either. It’s just another choice along Life’s path. Hopefully, Life will never give you this choice. If it does, remember this: I love you and want the best for you.

If the best means me being dead, so be it. If the best means Mom leaving, so be it. If the best means Dad losing his job, so be it. If the best means you leaving home or quitting school, so be it. Whatever the best is, take that option. Life won’t give you a second chance. Don’t hold your breath waiting for one.

You sit there, reading this note, wondering is this the last thing she’ll ever say to me, wondering is it really true, wondering how life can go on. Don’t. Don’t sit there and wonder. Don’t waste your life speculating. What happens happens—lo que pasa pasa.

Now, you say, those are contrasting ideas which is the truth?

Know what I have to say? Just live your damn life and forget about rules and laws and theories and me. You look up to me—flattering, believe me. Stop. Look to yourself. All the answers are within you. They always have been. You are stronger than you think and wiser than you believe. All this life takes is a little trust, a little belief in you.

I love you, Micky. We had so many laughs and good times. We had our arguments and bad times, too. But nothing you ever did led me to my decision. Nothing about you is worth me killing myself.

No, you were the reason for me to live. But after awhile, life lost its balance and no matter how much you meant to me, it didn’t matter. All the bad outweighed you. Mom, Dad, Greg, things you don’t even know about, things you’ll never know…I can smile at you so prettily and you can’t see a thing wrong with my life. I can laugh so easily and you can’t hear a somber, lonely tone to it. All you hear is laughter, all you see is smiles. Life is just an act. At least for me. I hope you’re for real. I hope you live true to your feelings and your reactions to the crap Life throws at you.

I hope you live forever. I love you.

Love, forever and always,
Amber Brant


I took a deep breath and looked at Josh who had been reading the note over my shoulder. “This has been in her drawer since The Day and I never knew.” I felt a smile tug at my lips. “It’s ironic.”

Josh chuckled. “Does it make you feel better?”

I nodded. “Yeah…it’s nice to finally have some sort of closure from her.” I looked at him. “It makes me feel…whole again.”

He smiled. “That’s good.” That edge was glinting in his eyes again.

I stood, pocketed the note, and continued packing. I walked into my bathroom and pulled out my travel caddy. I made sure soap, shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush were in there. I tucked the little caddy in my suitcase, too.

Josh sat down on Amber’s bed. “This is a really nice room,” he observed.

I nodded. “The butterflies are a little…young for me, but they are a nice touch.”

Josh grinned. “Your room is a little livelier than mine, that’s for sure.”

I laughed. “Yeah.”

“And cleaner.”

“Well, it’s not usually this neat.”

Josh reclined, resting his head on his arms, leaning on Amber’s pillows, smiling at the room, at the world, at me. I set down my clothes and joined him on the bed. I gently kissed his cheek. I pulled back, smiling, but his strong fingers caught my jaw and pulled me toward him again. He pressed his lips to mine, and once more I tasted his sweetness.

I lay down beside him and kissed him deeper. Josh pulled me on to his chest and chuckled as I wrapped my arms around him tightly.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered in my ear, “I’m not going anywhere.”

I felt my stomach fill with butterflies, and he kissed me slowly.

Suddenly, synthesized tones rang out from his pocket. Josh groaned and slid me off him so that he could reach into his pocket and retrieve his cell phone. He checked the caller ID, rolled his eyes, and told me it was his mother. I grinned.

“Hello?” He answered the phone.

He waited a moment before say, “We’re still at her house…No ma’am…We’ll be home soon…Why? What’s wrong?”

He gave me a concerned look. “She’s right here, perfectly fine…The mall? Yes, ma’am…” His face relaxed. “Of course, Mom…Okay…Love you, too…Bye.”

He rolled his eyes again and shut the phone.

“What was that about?” I asked him.

He laughed. “My mom is worried that you won’t have any Christmas presents to open. She wants me to take you shopping.”

I grinned. “Okay!”

“But you’re not supposed to know what you get, okay? You have to pretend like you didn’t pick them out.”

I nodded. “I can do that.”

He put his arm around me and hugged me saying, “I knew I could count on you!”

I giggled and said, “Well, let’s go!”

I sprang up and zipped my suitcase closed. Josh scooped it up and carried it downstairs. I opened the front door for him and locked it behind us.