On My Happy Cloud

Swimming

I was thinking today about all the times I should have told Ryan to shut up. How I shouldn't have ever answered his calls, should have told him (where everything about me is concerned) to mind his own damn buisness. I should have been stronger, I shouldn't have been so nice because I got walked on. And being nice, I continue to get walked on. That's not even the problem...being nice...It's that I usually am so willing to just give in, lie down and welcome the soles of one's shoes.

I'm not sure why I do that.

But I know that it's all a part of my past. Memories of when Ryan first started calling me again are like dusty knic-knacks sitting on the shelves in my mind and I know they aren't important anymore and I can't think or dwell on them but the problem is, whatever happened in my past effects my future and my present. Maybe people outside my thought process know that which is why they tell me to let such things go but it's different when you're the person holding on to such things.

When you have had a broken heart the thing is, you expect it to happen again. More than anything if you feel close to a person you will show it, your heart, to them and sometimes, with such daring and courage, you might even stretch your arms out in front of you putting your heart closer to them so they can see just how much it's been hurt. Beating like an injured bird, not willing to give up. But you never feel you can fully give it.

The time it takes to heal a heart is a lot but not nearly as much as what it takes to feel like you can give it out again. You go through this process where you feel you've been bad to your heart and you want to make it up to it. You feel guilty for letting it down again. You promise that it won't ever happen, not anymore.

I'm laughing and shaking my head right now. This is rough. I feel like I'm gambling. Seeing a beautiful lake, surrounded by pine trees with the sun busted into a million minature reflections off the lakes deep, green surface. Wanting to jump in but still cautious of what I can't see inside of it. If I do take a dive, will I feel refreshed and be able to swim effortlessly? Or will something be lurking below, waiting to pull me under?

And the fear tells me I can't just stand there waiting forever. I have to make some choice.

And now I smile because...well, I've been pulled under before haven't I? And yet here I stand. Waiting to take another plunge just the same way I did last time. I don't know what I'll find. It could for once be the swim of a life time or I can drown again. But I'm sure of this; if I get pulled under, I know I can make my way out again.

I think I'll go for a swim....

Elaine Bradley