Pearls of Wisdom and Foolish Mutterings

AD-36

Well, Glory Hallelujah! Finally science is making itself useful to the Average Joe or Josephine. It seems that a Fat Virus has been discovered. I knew it! I knew there had to be a reason that I no longer have the svelte body of my youth. I knew there had to be an explanation for why I avoid mirrors at all costs and when I do accidentally catch a glimpse of my reflection, I wonder, who is that woman in the fat suit and why does she look eerily familiar? OMG! IT'S ME! 

Now, I know. Thank you, Mr. Scientist for serving up such a palatable excuse...err... uhh... reason for this fat attack. Yes! That's exactly what it is. My body has been attacked by the fat virus. It even has a name. The AD36 Fat Virus - isn't that just darling? I think Mr. Scientist could have come up with something a little more original, like, say COW36 or FT-ASS36 or, my own personal favorite, NOTMYFAULT36. But, hey, who am I to quibble over a name? What's in a name anyway? The important thing here, people, is that someone has given us a viable reason for being fat, other than those wretched outdated cause-and-effect rationales like gorging on carb-laden foods, sitting on my ass with my laptop in my... well, lap (hence the name!) for hours at a time and avoiding exercise like the plague. Seriously, you all know how fragile my toes are. They break easily, so it's just not feasible for me to engage in an exercise routine. Broken toes are not pretty.

I understand that science (which has now become my BFF) is hard at work on a vaccine for the Fat Virus. Hot-diggity-dog! Is this a great country, or what?

I'm feeling a little faint. Must be that virus kicking in. I guess I have no choice but to go forage in the kitchen for some Ding-Dongs, Butterfingers and Root Beer. I have to keep my strength up while I wait patiently for that vaccine.

Spread the word, people. This is big news!