The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Lease-A-Parent

"Invalid Entry" 

I read the title of this prompt and I rubbed my hands together before digging in. A regular reader knows about my mother issues, the fact that she's self-absorbed and is usually present in body only. The regular reader has been beseiged with tales of my childhood and adolescence, in which my mother was something of a sadist who chipped away at my ego like Andy Dufresne did to the wall under the Rita Hayworth poster. The regular reader might even shake their head in disbelief at my inability to let it go, unable to grasp the magnitude of the damage which was done, simply because they were not there to witness any of it, or because I come off as someone who held my own during those difficult years. For the record, I did hold my own. I did voice my opinion and I did challenge her whenever she looked in my direction. My victimization was on a time delay. I didn't start feeling it until I was an adult myself. I resent that.

I am not going to go through all the horrible things she did or said because it's done, it can't be taken back. If I did go into it, it might be perceived as a veiled request for pity, or a justification for my self-described weaknesses and it irritates me sometimes when other people appear to do this, so I will abstain. No, I don't want to time travel today, dealing with the present is work enough. That said, she's not much different than she used to be, except now she lives two hours away and has no control over my life. Let me just say that I know this is killing her. She's still manipulative and whiny, sometimes violent, except it is my father who takes the brunt of it now. Bad behaviour toward myself on her part would only result in extended periods of seperation in which she would not be able to see her granddaughter, and she knows it. Suddenly, I have the power and it is eating at her, forcing her to use a honeyed voice across the phoneline, causing her to laugh at any attempt of humour on my part. The power doesn't feel like a triumph when I know her interest is an effort.

But, as I read the entry, my enthusiasm waned. It was short (completely unlike my entries, some of you are undoubtedly snorting), easy on the eyes and it made it's point with an almighty and thunderous exclamation point, but instead of feeling a sense of release or giddiness over mother-bashing, I was left feeling kind of cold.

You see, no matter the history between my mother and I, I know that in her own warped way, she might actually love me. This doesn't mean I'm waiting for a tenderheart moment to erupt between us any time soon, I mean, I'm fairly ambivalent about any kind of sentimental closeness at this point. I know that ultimately, she's my mother, that she cared for me the best she could while balancing responsibility with a very heavy load of mental problems. I can't say I forgive her entirely, but I'm doing my best to focus on the road ahead, despite having some fairly full laundry bags of personal issues over my shoulders. The reason for this is that I can. I am not living with her, am not in her presence everyday, so trying to keep an amicable relationship is a lot easier for me than it used to be. I have come to learn that blaming her isn't going to make me happy. Living my life like a decent human being will.

Personally, I would never have not returned a phone call from either of my parents, particularly one which was intended to be a birthday greeting for my child. I consider that bad form. No matter the situation between my mother and myself, my daughter deserves to have a grandparent in her life, one that she can have a relationship with. If my mother were dangerous with her, were emotionally abusive, then obviously this would change the order of things, but as of now, my child is the apple of my parent's eyes and it would be unfair of me to impose my selfishness on my girl who only has one set of living grandparents. When I was a child, my mother would go on and on about how difficult my grandmother was when she was growing up, but this never had any bearing on the relationship my grandmother and I shared, one which I will cherish forever. Some of their troubled relationship had to do with my mother's behaviour and to colour my image of my grandmother in an unfavourable way would have been not only unfair, but outright mean. No, I would have had my daughter call my mother back immediately. It would have been the only right thing to do.

As for missing a father's birthday, I also consider that to be incredibly discourteous. This is the man who helped give you life, the person who supported you financially and emotionally while growing up (at least, the majority of fathers do). Sure, like some mothers, there are some fathers who fall short of perfection in their children's eyes, but at the end of the day, it's your dad. I have never missed either of my parent's birthdays, not as an angry, haughty teenager or as a busy, working mother. If I could not be there in person, you can be assured I was in contact on the day. With the passing of every year comes the realization that the birth date will come, but the person who is usually honoured on that day may no longer be. Too many people learn this after the fact. I don't want to be one of them.

I am all too aware that there are some ridiculous excuses for parents out there. There are drunks, drug addicts, sexual abusers, criminals or out and out deadbeats who likely think themselves saintly for having contributed an egg or a sperm to the effort of conception. A rational person knows that this is not enough. However, if we all start treating our parents with outright indifference, what is it that we are teaching our own children, and who will we turn to in our own old age when the children we adore now grow up and decide to let the machine take our calls? It boils down to respect. What respect we seek, we should also give. No, we shouldn't have to check in with our parents on a daily basis, but to blatantly ignore them on special occasions or days which have some importance to them citing our own 'busy' schedules lacks consciousness.

Despite my problems with how my mother is, or how oblivious my father sometimes was to her sporadic episodes of insanity, they are my parents and I know they care about me and the life I am living. I don't think I could treat them in such an unaffected way if all they were guilty of was wanting to connect. No, all will never be forgotten, but what so many of us tend to do is focus on the past and present without looking at the future. It's a shortcut to thinking, a failure to understand the imperfections within ourselves and transient nature of our existence. If a parent is truly toxic, then maybe there shouldn't be any kind of communication, but I suspect many of them are just being held accountable for things they didn't know or understand back when they had the reins in their hands. My mother was a tyrant, an abusive, ill-mannered, selfish idiot in her worst moments, and that will never be erased from my memory. That said, I know she's aware of it now, and she knows that I still think about it. Her guilt is her own punishment. Now that I'm a parent, I'm painfully aware of how much I don't know, and how self-absorbed I have always been. It's a tough thing to confront.

If I were so blasé about their phonecalls, by not returning them or responding infrequently, I'd expect a heated word or two from them at the very least. I would feel guilty and ashamed of myself for not having a 'sensitivity chip'. I might even understand if they attempted to lease-a-kid, except they have two others, and I know they always answer the phone.