The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Conversation with a mirror

Mirror-You're looking kind of wrecked today. Moreso than usual, even, and that's saying something.

Me-Go to hell.

Mirror-Come on! You know I'm listening. I'm the only one who is.

Me-I'm serious, leave me alone.

Mirror-Mr.Wonderful notice your attitude problem today?

Me-*sigh* I think so, but he keeps a distance when he smells trouble brewing.

Mirror-Hmmmph. Supportive.

Me-What's he supposed to do? Part the sea? Walk on water? Impart wisdom through a smile and a hug?

Mirror-He could ask what's wrong, don't you think?

Me-It wouldn't solve anything.

Mirror-Is it the anxiety again?

Me-Yeah.

Mirror-slightly bored What brought it on this time?

Me-I have a lot going on, I guess. Trying to face the future and make plans that make sense for everyone. Money's a problem, people irritate me, we're all going to die one day...

Mirror-Oh, please.

Me-I'm sorry I don't have a major catastrophe going on which would explain this. All I have is the inexplicable reaction to catastrophe.

Mirror-When did this come on, anyway?

Me-Yesterday. I got really dizzy while putting on my coat and had to lean against a wall. I got nauseous straight away and when we went out for coffee, I was too anxious to even speak. I think he thinks I didn't appreciate the gesture, but I was too lost in my head to talk. I started thinking that 'it's' coming back, that I won't be able to move forward like I've been trying to. I almost started to cry right then and there, but I didn't. I'm having trouble shaking it.

Mirror-You were afraid you were going to pass out.

Me-Kind of.

Mirror-We've been through this. You don't pass out. You feel like you will, but you don't. Seriously, you should know this inside and out by now. God! You feel awful, you get scared, it eventually passes, why is this difficult?

Me-Why are you yelling at me?

Mirror-Because it's a freaking bore! Your whole life revolves around this nonsense.

Me-If I knew how to stop it, I would.

Mirror-You're always advising people on what to do when they go through it! You're always going on about how people need to toughen up and get on with things, and look at you! Cowering in the corner. It's pitiful.

Me-They're stronger than I am.

Mirror-Sometimes, you're really pathetic.

Me-That really doesn't help.

Mirror-Why do you let it own you? Why do you willingly let all the bad thoughts take over your body?

Me-I wish I knew. After thousands of dollars in therapy, you'd think I'd know.

Mirror-You were doing so well! God, this is disappointing.

Me-I'm sorry you're disappointed.

Mirror-Sometimes, I really hate you.

Me-I know.