.:Dreams and Swords:.

Pain and Nightmares

Pain is a whore.

Sure, it can make you feel alive and in the moment. But for whatever trip it sends you on, it always expects something in return. And if you don't surrender to its guiles? It tears you to pieces like a piece of paper.

I've seen pain all of my life. I been dealt pain a number of times as well. However, after all this time I'm still a slave to it especially when it catches me off guard. The sneaky bastard.

Tonight hasn't been the best, and my mood could be described as, well... surly. I'm pissed and hurt and disappointed, and feel like a complete moron for feeling pissed and hurt and disappointed. I can hear myself being bitchy on the phone, mentally trying to shut myself up, but I can't help the detached feeling of my words. In my defense (not that it excuses anything) the moment I feel hurt, I detach, retreating inside to prevent further damage. Still, no excuse.

So, I'm saying goodbye as politely as a can to the person on the phone, praying to same down and get in a decent word when my knee spikes in extreme pain. It feels like someone has taken a baseball to my kneecap, sending shards of agony up and down my leg bones and muscles.

Caught off guard I curse clutching my knee. I'm asked if I'm okay. There's compassion from the person on the other side of the phone. In that moment I felt weak, wanting so much to curl up in that voice of loving gentleness. Bet you can guess what I do with that overwhelming desire. I grit my teeth, let the bitchy, pain-filled part of me to take over, ending the call abruptly so the other person couldn't decipher my need for help and a shoulder to lean on.

I know, I know, I'm a dumbass.

The pain is still there drilling into my body as I write. There's no sleep tonight, predicting another lagging, tiresome day during my classes tomorrow. I haven't slept well in the past week because of an endless stream of nightmaric dreams. Bloody, violent, agonizing death with simultaneous heartbreak - you know, the usual fanfare.

God Almighty, take the pain away. Let me get some rest. Help me make things right.

Although this will not be seen by the person I offended - I'm sorry. Lo siento. Please... forgive me.



Its okay, you can stop covering your eyes. I'm shutting up now.