The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

they pull me back in

I can be so small.

So, R's current wife (a.k.a-my replacement) has both my sisters as Facebook buddies. I know, the mind reels at the dysfunction, doesn't it? No, it doesn't make much sense to me, but then, neither does it that they all go to dinner together or that I had to endure my sister K. crying about how she couldn't invite them to her wedding because of me and my 'selfishness' at not wanting the man I shared nearly half my life with there so he could see me in an advanced pregnant state with someone else's baby. Still with me? I'm surprised, really.

Oh, I say I'm over him, but no one has been able to explain to me why I hate the mere sight of this woman's profile picture. Is it good, old-fashioned jealousy? Hypocrisy? Childishness? Yeah, probably. I remember actually saying, out loud, that I thought I was 'way hotter than she is', which was ridiculous and immature, and quite frankly, it shocked the person I was speaking to since I pretty much never describe myself this way. Amazing what a set of girl balls steeped in pea green envy can make you say.

Anyway, the day my sister had her miscarriage happened to be the same day that Mrs. MarriedbyDefault thought to make the comment, 'Just wanted to congratulate you on the good news!', to which I squeezed my eyes shut and pulled my face like I'd just witnessed a very bad accident. Apparently, there was a lot of apologizing and 'she didn't knows' thrown at my sister who was trying to hold it together. I said nothing, but I 'la la la'd' in my head a whole lot with a smirk on my face.

Then today, out of nowhere (she rarely makes public comments, undoubtedly so that I won't see them), she leaves this wise little tidbit, 'I just know the wisdom teeth extraction went well, but go ahead and milk it'. Now, this one just made me laugh, mostly because I'm a little punchy and also, you'd think she'd be a little more hesitant to post anything since the last one. I mean, come on! How about taking note of my sister's very dramatic 'I'm off to the cardiologist on Monday' headline at the top of her profile? Why my sister decided to make a public announcement like that, I don't know. She must have inherited my mother's drama queen gene. Anyway, like I said, I'm small sometimes, black-hearted and vicious, so I have decided that the woman is an idiot. I decided this because I can't imagine adding any of M's exes sisters or brothers to my friend list and then making sure I plastered my face all over their profile page with comments. Nevermind that I don't feel legitimate jealousy in the sense that I want R. back, I'm just annoyed that she's in my dance space, you know?

I was so close to making you think I was a grown-up and then I just went ahead and blew it, didn't I?

Part of me doesn't want to grow up on this point, though. I really, truly don't want to know this woman or anything about her because it keeps him present, keeps him tied to me in some way. Without him anywhere near this life, my old one can fade away, but they won't let that happen. They won't let him go. He won't let them go. They keep dragging me back in.

You know, if I had some chocolate right now and if I didn't have part three of the ridiculous cold which wouldn't quit, and if I actually had any kind of evidence of a menstrual cycle instead of just the lingering, inexplicable surliness, I might be a little more tolerant. As it is, though, I'm hungry, I'm annoyed and I still think I'm way hotter than she is. I won't tomorrow, but tonight, I'm radiant despite all the phlegm.

Just when I think I'm out...