The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

And so I do.

I've given over to the Twitter. I am Violetmudhoney, just in case anyone is into that sort of thing. Twitter, not violetmud, though it might be fabulous.

Terrible anxiety today. I don't often come straight out with it like that, but I'm angry about it and bluntness feels like an exhalation. The mind began whirring with moving pictures of the future last night and I've yet to shake it. I saw a life without M., realized that we might have only forty years at best left to live together and it paralyzed me. I envisioned myself, the weak, anxiety-riddled, helpless woman that I know myself to be crying in dark rooms, wondering why no one loves me, alone and waiting in terror for my own finale. I cannot rely on my daughter to take care of me. She has her own life to lead and I would rather be alone than know that she will suffer like I do. To create a co-dependent relationship, one which only weakens her strength and taps her wonder of life is something I cannot bear to do.

I am short-tempered and terrified and it doesn't make sense to me. My mind races with all kinds of failures and my body is reacting with a sick, twisting in my stomach and the rampage of ginger-ale through my veins. What is this about? Where did this come from? A few short days ago I felt calm, almost focused, but all this fuss has kicked up like a dust storm from nowhere.

I'm meant to meet with my employment counsellor this afternoon, and while I normally have no fear about going to see her, I am suddenly terrified about driving there, listening to her and ultimately making silly decisions out of fear. I do that, decide to do things which make little or no sense when I'm like this because I just want to flee, and will say anything to end a conversation.

I need to calm. I need to focus. I need to allow distraction.

I won't write about any of this on Twitter. I only write it here.

This life of mine is much harder than one would think.