The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

Stopped

It is normal for me to become paralyzed whenever I know there is something I should be doing to further my chances.

I freeze, my insides twist, I have to resist the urge to scream as though I'm in the middle of labour, because this is essentially what I'm experiencing, the push and pain of trying to extricate effort. I sit in a chair, feeling weepy and lost, and at the end of the day I am no further ahead than I was when I woke up, and I hate myself just a little bit more.

I have a basement full of baby type things which I could list for sale on a classified site and I haven't done it yet. I don't know why. I have the green light from a woman at the employment agency to call her to set up an informational interview with her to discuss possible job opportunities there and I haven't done it yet. I don't know why. It's almost as though something else is controlling my body, forcing me to embrace this life of nothingness, which will eventually spread into the lives of those around me, and then there will be real trouble. It used to be that I would feel bad about something and then something good would suddenly occur which would erase all the bad. I don't know why it's not happening this time. I'm trying to be open, have had every hope that an opportunity would suddenly present itself, and nothing. I am nearly broke, I am sad, I am trying to remember what confidence looks like. What's worse is that the idea of having to toddle off to work everyday also paralyzes me, even though there are no prospects at this time. It's like there is no solution to this and I am becoming more and more down about it. Everywhere I look, people are finding their way and are celebrating despite the general funk the world is in. I am feeling sorry for myself and being happy-go-lucky makes no real sense to me. If I could win, just a little, I might be able to find all the lessons in the past year and a bit. Though I've been incredibly grateful to have spent so much time with my daughter, I have also felt guilty and useless the entire time, knowing that people were whispering about how I should have gone back to work right away, that it was stupid and lazy of me to stay home. That kind of thing cuts, no matter how thick you think your skin in, and my reasons won't matter to any of them.

I don't see any real way to make my passions into work. I have been trying to think of options, but so far I've come up short. I don't know that I'm suited for much, to be honest. My self-esteem was left behind in 2007.

Enough of this. Even I'm bored.

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Barely past ten a.m and I'm ready to call it a day.