On My Happy Cloud

Winded and Starry Eyed.....

So, it's been a while. I thought I would stop taking quizzes on Facebook for a minute (so far I'm Rose from Golden Girls, Miranda from Sex and the City, As a crazy bitch I'm Sinead O'Conner, nintendo character Star Fox, should marry Brad Pitt and my heart is my most open chakra) it will be nice to get an entry in.

I'm in this point in my life where I'm...well, ready to start my life. I'm not really to sure what exactly that means but right now I know the first step is getting as debt free as I can because in a year or two I want to start looking for a house. I love my apartment. I have always wanted to live in an apartment but I'm ready for a nice house. I've been getting obsessed with looking at houses on the internet. It's nice having a goal for once! Maybe a little of this has to do with meeting Bobby. I can' say for sure what will happen with us in the future but I do know that I want him to be in mine and I think he wants me to be a part of his too.

We went out one night to have some beer. I had maybe one to many and so talked about things I would normally have not opened my mouth to say...as usual. We got to talking about the future, which lately we have been but just on the verge of saying anything as far as making plans together and I said something about being with him for a long time and he said to me "Red, one day I'm going to make you the happiest woman alive." I asked then if he was going to marry me and he said "I can't say that. If I tell you that then how could I ever surprise you if I proposed?" He laughed. I smiled.

He's a big deal, guys. He really is. But sometimes I get down on myself and think that I'm not special enough. I'm boring. I'm a plain Jane happy with a life of being content and never striving for more. This has been a problem in every relationship I've had so far. He seems to not notice. He's perfectly happy with me just being with and supporting him in whatever he decides to do.

One day he asked me "What is one quality about me that you couldn't live without?" He kind of just threw it out there randomly one day and I couldn't think of an answer so I asked him the same question. He thought for a moment and said "Your unconditional acceptance of me." He explained how I never judged him for his faults and mistakes. But that's effortless to me. It's just what I expect from anyone else in a relationship. I've never gotten it. I've been gave up on and so has he and I think we both have felt betrayed heavily in our past experiences. I love Bobby. All of Bobby. I don't expect him to change. What has happened in his past is part of him, it's still in his heart and I have to accept and love all of it in order to love him. I realize that.

His drive. That was my answer to him when I thought about it. It kind of threw him off because he never feels quite good enough in this life. He feels like a failure. But after everything he has been through, ESPECIALLY in the last 10 years, I'm surprised he isn't stunned by this quality himself. He keeps finding new ways to better himself. Without knowing it, he refuses to give up.

Our days together are amazing. Especially when spent at my place, waking up in a sunny room, playfully arguing who's turn it is to make the coffee, drinking coffee at the kitchen table and talking. Gawsh, do we ever do a lot a of talking...

That's how our nights are. Laying in my bed with some coffee and journals and writings spread out everywhere, reading to each other and sharing memories, the good things about our past....and the bad.

And then...we just stare into each other's eyes. Just read what is written on each other's soul. We see the searing pain we've both dealt with. We see what each other really needs in life without even mentioning it. It's amazing. I hate telling myself I've finally found him. I've found my "Damon" (must explain that later) I'm idealistic, I realize this. I've waited for a prince charming, I know. But after the last sleaze ball I dated, I decided to never again tell myself I WASN'T idealistic, that I didn't need the love I have always been waiting for. I wasn't going to settle. Ever again. If I couldn't find the love I wanted, then I'd be alone for the rest of my life, I didn't care.

And now here's Bobby. Everything I've ever looked for, hoped for, waited for. Everything I never thought could exist. I can't say anything about our future confidently mainly because I don't want to. It all has to do with being smarter and walking easy.

He's the most considerate man I've ever been with. He looks at me almost as if to say "how did you have so much trouble with men in the past? Why didn't they hold on to you and what are you doing with me?" Which is exactly what I think when I look at him. It puzzles me sometimes. He just does sweet things. I want to show my appreciation to him in everyway I can, every day of my life. Because I think there is no better way to show how much you appreciate someone...

Holy crap. How did this get so mushy? I can't help it though....I'm in love....

Maybe the next entry won't be so winded...or romantic....*giggles*

Much love and happiness friends,

Elaine Bradley