Pearls of Wisdom and Foolish Mutterings

This is Who We Are

I just finished an entry in a campfire creative. The campfire was originally entitled

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. Over time, it has evolved, with the last scenario to which I just responded being a question of would you stay or would you go, if after a number of years, you find yourself no longer in love with your husband/wife/partner/significant other or whatever moniker you choose to employ. As I completed my entry, I found myself thinking, what a great idea for a blog entry. And so, voila!

Those of you who have followed my blog for any length of time have been witness to an occasional meltdown over my husband of thirty-two years. In fact, the last one was so vociferous that I changed it to private after less than a day. Feelings change, emotions ebb and flow. Saner heads prevail.

Marriage is hard work. Ask anyone who has been married for any length of time and they will tell you the same thing. And sometimes, no matter how hard you work, it falls apart. I understand that and I'm not here to sling stones at anyone who is now, or ever has been, divorced. I've never been divorced, but I'm sure that it is a pain like no other. My own parents divorced after thirty years of marriage. Each of them went on to marry other people, but I know for a fact that both of them went to their graves still loving each other. They just couldn't live together. I don't know how they did it for thirty years, frankly.

I read somewhere that marriage means falling in love with the same person over and over again. Personally, I've fallen in and out of love with my husband more times than I can count. And I feel certain that he would say the same about me, if he were asked. It's a choice we make, daily, to love that other person. Some days the choice is easy; some days it's damn near impossible. So why do we keep making that choice? Is he perfect? Of course not. Am I perfect? Of course I am; I'm an angel. (Hey, it's my fantasy, okay?) Seriously, of course, neither of us is anywhere near perfect. So what is it that keeps us making that daily choice to love each other, for better or for worse?

Well, it's a lot of things. No one single thing can serve as an explanation for that choice. However, I believe the most compelling reason for me is that after thirty-two years, it's no longer just about me. I have a history with this man that extends even farther back then the thirty-two years we've been married. We were high-school sweethearts who got married with stars in our eyes and woke up to the cold reality of forever-after wondering what we had gotten ourselves into. Not knowing what else to do, we set about building a life together.

We had children - four of them, two girls and two boys. We had completely different styles of parenting, but we managed to get those kids raised. Together, we experienced all the joys and the heartbreaks of guiding four strong-minded, independent children into adulthood. We laughed, we cried, we fought, and we celebrated. It was never easy, but it was worth it. Did we make mistakes? Certainly. That's why you teach your children to be forgiving.

There were vacations and Christmases and graduations and family reunions. As a family, we attended church, funerals, weddings and school events. As parents, we were too strict, too lenient, clueless, suspicious, right, wrong, the worst and the best. Our children saw us succeed, fail, fall down. get up and keep going. They saw us broken-hearted and disappointed, but most importantly, they never saw us give up. Apparently, we taught them that lesson well, as our eldest son showed us once when we were ready to throw in the towel and get a divorce. He yelled at us, through tear-filled eyes, "No, you are not getting divorced. This is not what we do. We do not give up on each other. Now get in there and work this out, because you're not getting a divorce."

Through all of that, we made a family history. Thirty-two years worth of memories - good ones, bad ones and many that have become family lore. Those are the ones that get told over and over again at family gatherings. Remember when we.....____________ (fill in the blank.) We have a wealth of memories to fill in the blank. Tears and laughter, the best and the worst.

Now, we have four grandchildren. More memories to make, more history. Who knew I would fall in love with that man all over again every time I see him with one of those grandbabies?

So, you see, it's not just about me or him. Why do we keep making that decision every day to love each other and work it out? In the words of a wise twelve -year old, "That's not what we do. We don't give up on each other."