Life as we know it sucks

Definitely Not in my Head

Current Mood: tired

Current Music: Hinder - Lips of an Angel (how appropriate for me)

Oh, it's definitely NOT in my head. He's (according to him) completely wrapped around my finger. He says it's not good, but I say it is. Haha. There's so much to tell. So much fuckin' drama. This is worse than the last time I fell for another guy. The problem is I wanted this to happen. I've always wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone else. I pushed this on myself. I really did... And Shane doesn't see that because I've tried to hide these feelings and doubts about him and just EVERYTHING. If Byron felt nothing for me, I could just get over it...but I NEED IT! Shane doesn't understand. Of course it's hard to talk because I'm bawling every time I think about my fucking awful ass self. :(

So, it started yesterday with Byron asking if he could pick me up from my house. I flat out said no. He didn't press - at least not then, anyway. He had texted me asking how I slept. I told him alright except for I couldn't get my mind to shut up. He found that hilarious.

Anyway, we met up at a commuter lot. That seemed to be a safe enough place for my car. He drove us to IHOP and we ate. It was just nice. I like him so much. I lied before - I can see myself being with him. Maybe not forever, but for a little while anyway.

After IHOP, we drove almost all the way to Luray. He was getting frustrated with me because I wasn't answering any of his questions. Haha. I asked him why he lets me call him Byron...for some reason, I don't ever remember his answer.

He had asked me why Terry and Val would tell me to call him to tell him I was on the radio. He thought that would have been simple enough. It wasn't for me. So he asked his other: what my mind wouldn't shut up about. That was even worse because I was having very graphic images of the two of us and I wasn't about to tell him that!!

After much bickering and hesitation, I told him that Terry and Val know that I like him and that was the reason. I didn't mention the fact that I always talk about him or anything.

So, he asked me where my wedding ring was.... I hadn't worn it in a while and I guess he noticed. I told him I was tired of it. Of all of it basically. I just want something different. I told him I was too young and I should have listened to everyone. Ugh. I so should have.

We got ice cream later in Sperryville. We just had a lovely day. I told Shane I was with Liz. Bad Hilary.

We went back to his house and started to watch 'Love Actually.' We bickered a lot and paused the movie so much.

Um, he was sitting in front of my on the floor and I had my leg draped over his shoulder. He was even rubbing my feet and just be so....I don't even know. Nice. Attentive. Sexy. Great. Refreshing.

I was picking on him A LOT and so he decided he was going to tickle the shit out of me! We were rolling all over the floor just having so much fun. It was great. I love spending time with him. I really do. I figured I would.

So, after all of that - it was like 9:45 and he took me back to my car. We were standing at my car not saying goodbye. I couldn't and he couldn't. There was like some pull of something. It was strange, but exhilarating. I messed up his hair and then he said, "To make that up to me, you need to kiss me on my cheek." I so wanted to just take him and make out with him at that...but I didn't. I'm chicken.

Sunday morning, I had a text from him that said:
         Drive Carefully. Sorry. My bad.

I asked:
         What's your bad?

He said:
         Thought I upset you when I asked for a kiss on the cheek. Either way I had fun yesterday. Don't remember the last time I laughed that much.

I said:
         Thought about kissing you, but not on the cheek.

He said:
         Well please hold on to that thought until I see you again.

I said:
         That won't be a problem.

He said:
         U sure? You seem to have memory problems, Dory. Don't make it too long till the next time else you might forget. Gonna miss you today.

Me:
         Let's just say that's what my mind wouldn't shut up about the other night.

Him:
         If you had told me that yesterday, we could have watched an extra movie.

Me:
         In case you haven't noticed, I get a little tongue-tied around you.

Him:
         I had. Sometimes I think there is a lot you want to say, but you don't know whether you should. Same thing happens with me.

         Anyway, for what it's worth, I like you just the way you are.




Then the shit hit the fan.....Shane knows I'm attracted to someone else though he doesn't know how much or anything....just that I am. He wants to fix it. I don't. I can't tell him that though. it sounds heartless. Well, it is heartless. Very, very. I think I just have fucking issues. Huge HUGE issues. I don't know what to do about any of this. I don't know if I want to do anything. I should want to, right?

RIGHT?