Pearls of Wisdom and Foolish Mutterings

How I Got to Second Base with the Waiter

I've been a bit out of touch lately, although I have popped in on occasion to read a few blogs and post a comment or two. I've missed being here, but I am on a long-delayed and eagerly anticipated week long escape to my sister's house in New Mexico. Kathy's house is where I go when I need to regain my sanity or when I need to recharge or - and this is the best part of all - when I just want to be completely ME. There is no other place in this world that I can relax the way I can when I'm here with my sister. (This statement will take on much more import in a few paragraphs, trust me.)  Everyone should be so lucky to  have a sister like mine.You'd love her - I promise.

We laugh - A LOT. We shop. We talk, and talk, and talk. And then we talk some more. I don't know how she does it, but somehow Kathy always helps me remember who I am. I can be lost as a goose, crazy as a bedbug, and a week with my sister will set me back on course. If I could bottle her, I could make a fortune curing all the ills of the world. I'm crazy about her, in case you haven't figured that out.

We've spent some time this week letting our creativity flow. We made some extremely funny refrigerator magnets (I'll post pictures of some of them later on) and went bead shopping, because Kathy makes incredible jewelry. We sat in the middle of the square in Old Town Albuquerque taking pictures of ourselves and cracking up over the really bad shots. And then there was the RANDOM ACT OF CUPPING.

It was really just an innocent accident. Really. Kathy, my niece Alyssa, and I stopped to grab some lunch at a Mexican food restaurant in Old Town Albuquerque. They have great chips and salsa at this particular restaurant and Kathy and I both like lots of salt on our chips. So, our table top kept getting covered with runaway salt, which I kept brushing off at random intervals.

At one point, I carefully brushed all the spilled salt into a pile. It was a little hill of salt - not quite a pillar, just a little hill. Since my purse was sitting on the floor beside me, I didn't want to brush the salt off the table only to have it fall into my purse, so I cupped my hand around it and brushed the hill of salt off the table with enough force to send it far, far away.  At that precise moment, unbeknownst to me,  a waiter was walking up behind me, making his way to the patio to the left of where we were seated. I swear to you, I couldn't have timed it any better if I had tried. Just as my cupped hand left the table and swung down and away, the lucky waiter walked right into my cupped hand. I don't know who was more surprised - me or the waiter - but my perfectly cupped hand came up and under his perfectly positioned right testicle and rested there for the briefest of moments. Alyssa called it right when she said that my arm had the perfect momentum to cause my cupped hand to lift and gently weigh, as it were, the waiter's testicle.

He never broke stride. Just kept walking, uttered a quick, "excuse me" (as in, 'oh, how terribly rude of me to hit you with my testicle') as I jerked my arm back and practically shouted to his receding back, "OH! I'm sorry." Of course, all three of us immediately dissolved into giggles which continued unabated for the entirety of our lunch. I don't know how any of us managed to choke down any of our food; we were so damn busy laughing.

The first few times the sexually-assaulted waiter had to pass our table again, he stayed far to the left and moved quickly. But, finally he stopped by our table, stood there and laughed. It was all a little surreal (is that an understatement, or what?) because none of us made eye contact when he did that. He just paused, laughed and then walked on.

We finally finished our meal and made ready to leave. Kathy told me that she wasn't sure of the protocol when a testicle cupping has occured - should she leave an extra tip? I told her, hell no - he already got his tip. He wasn't our waiter, anyway. Although, I did notice that there was a steady stream of waiters passing our table after a while.

I'll be here for two more days. I'm hoping to make it back by the Mexican food restaurant before I leave. I just have to make sure they seat me where I can get a good swing at the LEFT one this time.