PinkBubbles

Karma can be your best friend or worst enemy

I have been thinking about who I am as a person. I wonder sometimes if what I have suffered through in my life has, as some say, some correlation to some past life and evil deeds I did when I was someone else. I do not think so. I really believe karma has to do with this life we live now. It is simple, you will face obstacles in your life, you will face bad times and many hurts, but karma has nothing to do with what are natural trials of life that are meant to shape us as people. We are given certain tests, I believe, to challenge us to persevere regardless the circumstances. It can be quite a challenge to keep love and joy in your heart when you face the ugliness of this world.

Karma...such as it is, to me, is one day being made to feel the result of your own actions. When you act with hidden motives spawned out of greed, jealousy, or hatred, when you are not true to yourself or others, when you hurt another knowingly...there will be repercussions even if it is just not being able to live comfortably within yourself. I fear karma. I fear not being able to shut my eyes at night and feel peace for who I am or what I have done. I try and make sure my motives are driven by love and compassion, not petty things. It is sometimes hard, but much easier for me than it used to be. I used to be so angry with my life. I never knowingly hurt another but I recognized that I did hurt people by my lack of caring for myself and the world in general. I just did not care, period. I allowed my hurt and pain to take over my soul and closed myself down to feeling any emotion for myself or others. It took some great enlightenment to finally realize the entire point of life is to connect with others. My test was to trust that there are good people out there who do not mean me harm, who do not have false or ulterior motives, who are just lovely people. It is still a test. I find it hard to believe that people do not want something from me or want to take something away from me. I still face adversity, jealousy, and just pure hatred. Sometimes I feel like my efforts to spread happiness and joy is thought of as simple-minded, silly or worse a total fallacy. It pains me to know that some others think I am the one with ulterior motives, that I am seeking some kind of 'crown' or 'riches' for what are actually very simple acts of accepting and loving others. I could and have been a bitch in my life, a life I chose to leave behind. It is not that I ever started fights or discord, I could have cared less about people, but if I was messed with, I fought back. I could hurt others feelings, make them feel like crap, or make them sorry they ever messed with me. It is tempting sometimes to show that part of me as some actually find that a true testament to strength or intelligence and I would love nothing more to put a few people 'in their place'. Who am I to put anyone in their place though? I would not know what their place is, they are the ones who at the end of the day must live with who they are as humans. They are the ones that have to find peace from those ugly feelings of insecurities, jealousy, hatred. I know I struggle. I found the best thing for me to do is to call out my ugly feelings, admit when I am jealous or insecure and deal with it openly. This opens me up to critics, but ya know what, I do not give a damn. I have decided those who like me and those who don't will probably never. I have found myself hurt too many times by people who have taken a dislike to me for no apparent reason. I have cried in secret before as people judged me openly and loudly. I have hurt beyond belief as people I considered friends turn and talked poorly about me or secretly plotted against me. I will no longer give them power. They can do what the wish, I have no control over who they are and what they do. Karma has a way of making it an even playing ground without my help. Karma may not be immediate, but it has a way of showing up eventually. I think any hurt I send out will be returned to me in a manner, where if I am smart, will be able to directly relate it to what I have done in the past. karma is not mysterious, it is pretty much in your face. You can choose to ignore it, but eventually it will become so huge that you will have a problem dismissing it. It will consume you and your being. Perhaps it can also harden you if you are weak. If you chose to believe that you are the only one in your life to suffer or be wronged. *shrugs* I can not and will not let that happen to me...not again. It has been many, many years since I did not care for myself, the world, and the souls of others. I will surround myself with as much positivity and try very hard to stay that way myself....positive. I do not want to be jaded anymore. I do not want to be suspicious of others. I want to feel good about myself and others....I hope I can.

Karma does not cause catastrophic disasters. It does not continue from one lifetime to another, it does not cause you to be molested as a child or be poverty stricken as an adult. It is so simple, it is just the matter of making one realize their deeds, good or bad at some time of their life or perhaps many times in their lives. It is realizing that your accountable for your actions, thoughts, and deeds. Karma has a way of knowing what is in your heart and mind. So far, today....I feel Karma will allow me to rest my head quietly on the pillow tonight. Every day is a new opportunity to positively affect my existence and perhaps affect another.

A chance at rediscovery and enlightenment. I want to be a pink bubble.