PinkBubbles

Saying Goodbye is always hard

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi

I am leaving California today and leaving behind my oldest daughter and granddaughter for at least another six months. I already have cried a couple of times. It is hard leaving a child, especially. Emily will be four the next time I see her. In a short time, she will have grown so much. I worry we will not be close. I worry tonight she will ask where I am and her mother will be left to explain. Heather is taking this hard as well. We do not like 'Goodbyes'. Who does?

I am very proud of my oldest daughter. She is doing quite well with school and raising my grandchild. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. I know she is 'okay' without me and that makes me happy. I must have done my job. I know she will miss me and she worries about my health. It is just a symptom of her fear of not having me close to her. In less than two years, she will move and we will all be together again.

My life is waiting on the other side of today. I have so many worries about my own life. I feel so alone in Illinois, even though I have my husband. He is content with just him and I. He loves my children but is content as long as he has me. I need my children and their children. I need other family members there for support in dealing with Kat. Kat needs other members of her family when she feels she can not talk to me. I do not like her choice of friends and those are the people she turns to if she is having emotions or problems she can not deal with.

I will be searching for a job. I am not sure where I will work in such a tiny town and most likely will be doing a job that is not in the field of which I went to College for, but we need the money.

I will be working on myself this year. I began my blog with the intent to improve myself, my self-esteem, my ability to help others...to be 'Pink'. My intent is to finally become familiarized with myself again. I feel I lost who I was and am to being a mother, wife, worker, etc. I do not know what makes my heart sing anymore, at least what makes my heart sing when it is not connected to what someone else is doing. Of course my heart sings when my children do well or when Emily giggles, but I have lost the joy to appreciate little things like sitting alone in my own environment and listening to the birds sing. I have lost my enjoyment in drawing, in artistic expression, in dance. I have forgotten how to meditate effectively or take the time to pray. Maybe I have not forgotten, just have been too lazy or even too busy (in my head?) to do the things that make me Really happy.

I am going to start making a list. I really do not know where to start. I do know when I get home, I have the pleasure of going to the doctor and getting treated for the bronchitis I developed. I have a house to clean and Kat's bedroom to reorganize, now that she decided she did not want to stay in California after all. I have applications to put in. Those are tedious, mundane things. I need to write what I will start doing to make my quest begin...the quest for self-realization and enlightenment. I am thinking I shall start with forgiveness. My next blog entry will probably be about mundane things, but I shall start to keep my thoughts concerning my growth in Rose font. I will start to do exercises and pretty much be my own psychotherapist with help from others around me and books.

I shall see everyone on the other side of today.