PinkBubbles

So we begin?

Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts.
Penelope Sweet

Winter tends to make me depressed, or should I say winter makes me More depressed. If I am to believe the quote I have posted, than it would seem that I have some people to forgive and some grudges to let go.

I have always hated hate. I feel like it is the person that holds hate in their heart that suffers, not the person the emotion is directed at. I have hated very few people in my life, but I have held hate and grudges. Some of my hate might be justified, in my own mind, but that does not mean that that horrid emotion did not eat at me from the inside out. I have thought that I have let go of the hate but I wonder if I truly have...

I forgive you Paul Rich. I do so for myself, not for you. I forgive you for your sins against your own family and I forgive you for the person you allowed yourself to become. It is not for me to judge you. I shall heal from those atrocities and sins that you committed against me as a child. I do not know what made you into the monster that you were. I pity you. You will not take anymore from me, emotional or physical. You will have yourself to answer to in the end and I know your end has came. I will stop myself from wondering if you are paying for your acts. It is of none of my concern from this point on.

I forgive you John, Tim, Shawn. I am not sure how you can continue to live and justify what you did to me. I do not know how two of you raise two young daughters and not worry that a boy like you will defile your child. I do not wish your children to suffer from the sins of their fathers. I only hope that they are not the way you learn the lessons that you failed to learn as teenagers. I know now that I have done nothing wrong, that your acts have not defined me as a person. I will not harbor hate for you anymore. I will move on...

I forgive you Dad. You did the best you could. I will never understand why you chose to die the way you did but I know that had you known how much you would have affected others with your actions, you may have decided against killing yourself. I will write my book about your death and in using my story, your story, will perhaps help another.

I forgive those that harbor hate against me. I forgive anyone who has spitefully spread rumors or said negative things against my character. I can not control who likes me and who does not. I can only try and be the best person I can be.

I forgive myself for being human. I forgive myself for all the times I did not place myself in another's shoes and those times I did not show compassion. I forgive myself for my shortcomings in being able to let go of hurt, instead allowing it to fester and grow like some sick disease. In forgiving myself, i can move on. This does not mean I will not falter again...it means I can take my next step free of guilt until I am only human once again.