PinkBubbles

Happy Birthday to Me :-(

~ Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. ~
Seneca


Thursday, my daughter bought a bottle of sleeping pills. She made sure she had 100 pills this time rather than the 50 she took last time, but this time she had no other pills to add to it. She did not come home at 3:15 like she does every other day. I knew something was wrong. I called the police, got on her myspace, contacted her friends. the word was out. I finally found her. She had thrown the pills down but....


Kat has been getting harassed at school, along with the other crap from her ex she is dealing with. It is hard for her to escape what she has done in the past. She no longer parties and her friends really do not like that. they are all partiers and while they still wanted to be her friends, they are people she did not like once she sobered up. She does not like who she has became.

In the past couple of months, at least two girls have told her to go get a new bottle of pills and do it right this time. Thursday, girls she did not even know threw french fries at her in the lunch room and another girl told her to shut up (bitch) in one of her classes. She found out (again) how little her ex-boyfriend cares about her (he really doesn't care about anyone...but she thinks he does).

Her birthday was yesterday, mine is today. We had plans to go to a SPA and get the full treatment. Her grades are all A's (even though it is only the beginning of the quarter) and her teachers have told me she is a changed student.

She will be leaving tomorrow to live in Cali. It is not safe for her here. It may not be safe for her there without me either, but here....she does not have a chance in this tiny, backwards town. She can not escape. You can not go to the gas station without seeing at least two people you know. everyone knows you business and everyone feels the need to tell her who doesn't like her, what has been said (anything negative that is) about her, and what or who her boyfriend has done.

We (Chad and I) are planning on getting out of this town (I hate it and did before Katelyn started having troubles.) We will be moving to Decatur where Chad works and hopefully there will be more opportunities to grow with a larger city. I want Kat back after that, but mostly I want her to be happy....wherever that might be. I am hoping that she can do the work to change. I am not going to be in Cali to advocate for her. Her dad is an ass and says things that are so very insensitive....I worry about her. I feel like I am losing a huge chunk of my life.

I am sorry to those emails I have not replied to. I am not sure if I will be able to 'get it together' for a while. I am just so very, very sad......

so very sad....

where are the answers?

I could sit here and type so much. i could release, vent. I feel unfinished yet too empty...an odd array of emotions.

I want my child. I want my child with me, but I want my child well. It is too easy for people to forget that less than 4 months ago, Kat was in ICU for 3 days, lucky to be alive. Her father forgets. He does not realize or remember how hard it is to be a teen and he has not an idea of what to do with a girl.

My GOD! I do not cry normally. I feel like I could cry an ocean. The tears, however, sit unshed right behind my closed eyelids.

I do not know how to function right now. I am pretending like I think she is doing a good thing by moving. she is scared. she doesn't want to leave me.

She told me last night she felt like there was a war going on in her head. When I tried to get her to explain, she closed up because she could not explain. she suddenly got tired.

Should I not let her get on the plane? Chad says in a month, she will be wanting to come back. he thinks it will be because of Micheal (her ex). I am not sure, maybe. Why she is in love with this loser (believe me, he deserves that title for tons of reasons and usually I do not judge teens as they are still finding themselves....but).

Kat has deleted all her friends off of myspace except for a couple. She has some very good friends, good kids...but there is so much negativity here....

I feel like she is moving too fast to Cali. i want to see if there is a way for me to fix this but i know I am grasping at straws. The mental health here is a joke. There would be solutions but I am afraid they might not come soon enough. I cant keep her out of school.....

I guess I am done venting...I feel empty.