Defying Fortune

On And On It Goes

((The Music))
This is one of the new songs off of Mary Chapin Carpenter's new album, "The Calling". I was on the road a lot as a child. I've driven, in one form or another, up and down the state of California about six times given miles. When I was with my mom we listen to her music all the time. There's a comfort there. Her music always tells a story. Each song has something extremely personal behind it. I could always image her tale, her story. It inspired a great many of my own. Also, great acoustic music for long walks.

((The Life))
Things have gone a little weird. A type of off-kilter weird that I'm used to. The fate of tomorrow depends on the state of the roads. I'm off tomorrow to Bakersfield for some time with the pater and the little ones. I find that the state of my travel depends greatly on spontaneity. As I'm not a very spontaneous person, this can be somewhat like a screwdriver to my senses. But I've learned to adapt. I can flow with the best of them.

Truth be told I'm often on the edge of wanting to go and wanting to stay home. Being a part of two families can put your sense of loyalty in definite question. I always wonder about that question, if two of your loved ones were tossed into a river, which one would you go after? I love them all. There is no question. I just can't help but feel I'm disloyal when I leave one behind to visit the other. Divorce, in this respect, is a bitch.

If you believe that each one of us has a frequency of which we vibrate at, my parents vibrate in opposite directions. I have no idea how the handled their relationship for as long as they did. Towards the end was like living in Hell. All that was left was shreds. Hard to imagine what it was like when things were whole. Something along the way went weird. I rooted for the divorce. Someone would have been dead if they hadn't.

What makes this odd is that they both get along somewhat now. I think much of it has to do with the fact that my pater's new wife is off the hinge. She's one of those people that only has a sense of self, and anything else is beyond that scope, unless it benefits her someway. In a way I can't blame her. She really doesn't get how her actions effect people. However, and I can't believe I'm saying this, my father is the stable person in their relationship. Man, what growing older can do to a person.

The fact that I can't step into that house bothers me to no end. Its not that I don't want to. Sharing a room with my older step-sister was cool. She's a great person. And for a little while I could pretend I belonged. However, that was trashed when the Step had to have a dog. Now I'm in a hotel for the rest of my days. The same damn hotel, lol.

So, the state of the roads. May be interesting. May be mind-numbing. I could be the thing that drives me over the wall. I got for love. For loyalty. No wonder it got people hanged in the past, lol.