Down the Rabbit Hole

Two months In

Jaden turned two months old today and I'm looking back simply astounded by how much time has passed. The memory of her birth and first few weeks at home is still so vivid. I can remember everything with such clarity, from the first contraction to the doctors holding her out to us, to the tears in my husband's eyes as he walked her to the nursery. My contractions had started Thursday. They were very irregular and not too terribly strong. I had just had my first exam the day before and I had told myself it was on account of that. By 7pm, they had become more uniform and were getting strong enough that merely pacing around and breathing were not helping my discomfort level any longer. My husband called the doctor and they advised us to head over. By the time we got to the hospital, I was uncomfortable but I still believed we would be sent home. I was shocked when the nurse told me I was already 3 to 4 centimeters. We called my mother and father and my sister, who was our second coach. It was really happening and I was too stunned to believe it at first. My sister arrived around 8:30pm and the contractions were getting stronger but still seemed more managable then I expected. They administered stadol which gave me a loopy, intoxicated feeling but just took the edge off the pain. They asked if I wanted the epidural which I agreed to. My husband kept me focused while they put the epidural in and once it took hold, the contractions passed without notice for several hours. Within a time space of three hours, I had jumped from 4 to 8. It appeared Jaden was anxious to arrive. Then, everything just seemed to stop. I would not progress after several more hours. They administered some drugs to build my contractions and as they increased in duration and intensity, the pain became nearly unbearable. At one point, exhausted and in agony, I burst into tears. My sister stepped in and coached me through the roughest patches until they boosted my epidural. After 24 hours, my exam revealed I had begun to go backwards, not progress. They told me I was going to be a c-section. As they prepped me, I sobbed out of fatigue and disappointment and fear. I had never had surgery before, let alone the kind of major abdominal surgery that a c-section entailed. I was completely numbed from the waist down and wheeled into the OR. Fatih was the only one allowed to accompany me. They suited him up in hospital scrubs and brought him to me. I was a wreck, scared and sick - I'd begun vomiting from some antacid solution they made me drink. He kept touching my face and apologizing that I had to go through all of this. The doctor and nurses were all wonderful though. They kept telling me how soon my baby would be here and that I was doing great. The nurse stationed at my head kept stroking my hair and making eye contact. After what seemed like five minutes, it felt as if everyone on the opposite side of the erected tarp were tugging back and forth on my body. I heard Jaden cry before I saw her. They brought her over and I finally saw her. Everything else faded away..the fear evaporated and I simply wanted to look at her. My husband got to spend the first few hours of her life with her while I was taken to recovery. When they brought her in sometime later, I was so amazed at how beautiful she was, how much of the both of us she had in her features. Breastfeeding proved to be a challenge with the incision but we struggled through it and Jaden was a pro at latching on right from the start. She had been born at 8:33 in the morning and before Fatih and I had a chance to get a lot of rest, the visitors started coming in. One of the first to arrive was my Aunt Debbie and Monique, my late cousin Melanie's Mom and sister. I told them both as they held my baby daughter, that I had thought about Melanie during the times I was most afraid. I thought of her face and how she was there with me, watching over Jaden. When it was finally time to take Jaden home, I was sad to leave the nurses and uncertain about how we were all going to manage. The first weeks proved to be harder and more challenging that even I had expected but we found our way. Two months later, I'm watching Jaden sleeping and I'm feeling that same flood of gratitude and amazement that I felt when I first saw her.