BLAHHG....BLAHHG...BLAHHG!

Life Ain't Always Beautiful.........

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No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.
~ Walt Disney

Warning!..A long one! Although the weatherman is calling for rain here this day, it's looking bright and sunny outside. I don't knowww. We shall see! Regardless, I will be home taking it easy.
The dinner at Alpine Inn was very good the other night...the company as well, although I felt a bit uncomfortable at being the 'third wheel'. I almost felt like I should have gone out in the street there and found someone to sit with me at one point, yet it was a night well spent with the news from Laura and Austin moving in together. Now I knowww Laura reads my blog, and I don't say anything I wouldn't tell her in person. After I heard the news, in a way it didn't surprise me because I felt it was sort of moving a bit fast there, but on the other hand, my insides were tossing and turning and vibrating (not good, my spirit said to me). Yet, it is not for me to tell another what to do in their life. I say this alot but it is a 'truth'...Every man's(or woman's) way is their own. Who am I to tell anyone what to do in their life?! A person can ride only one horse at a time, afterall. As I sat there and looked at them both with a (somewhat) understanding smile, and being brought back to my senses after hearing her say, "Aren't you going to say anything?" I paused and told them both I was happy for them if they felt it was right for them. Yet, I couldn't help but wonder if it was a bit too soon. Laura is still getting over a marriage that was, what she called, a 'Nightmare'! Why not give yourself some time? You knowww everyone needs time to grieve. And although her husband isn't dead, the marriage is. There is grieving, IMO, that needs to be done. This was what I relayed to them both.
The other night I had some things come to me in the form of a dream, and although I can't place them all out here in one blog entry, I will...throughout my blogging here on WDC, be placing them out. One that comes to mind is 'Grieving'.
Getting off Laura just for a bit...back when I was a little girl, I lost my parents. My mother died when I was at the age of two...I didn't have a chance to bond with her or even get to know her. My father died not too far after that...just a day after my seventh birthday, and to top it all off, my brother died shortly after that (about nine months later). I was an orphan who never really was given the time to grieve. Children need that! We all need that...no matter the loss, whether it be a death or ending of a relationship. Now while I don't usually place things out in public about myself...I will, if I feel it will help another person in life.
I believe in 'Cause and Effect'. I am, who and what I am because of what has happened in my past. I was raised in the deep south there, Florida. I felt always that something was missing, and I held an emptiness and fear in my heart all the time. Fear of rejection, fear of losing someone, fear of never being good enough, fear of being beaten....The list can go on and on! I swore when I grew up that I would put together a place where children would feel only love. I had a choice while I was growing up believe it or not....I had a choice as to how I would deal with this. What my outlook on what some deem as such a 'tragic' life, could possibly be. I could have chosen the road to drugs, drinking..perhaps crime and held hatred and resentment in my heart, but instead I realized that even the 'negative' you could learn from, and life is what you make it to be. I chose instead compassion. I didn't really know what family was, although I had some real good friends whose families gave me a glimpse to what it might be like. I didn't really have anyone to teach me how to cook, sew or manners. Religion only came through the private schools I was sent to, as directed in my father's will. For him, it was vital for me to get the best education I could. Education will not only open doors for you, but you will be able to open doors for others. I remember my father telling me that. It was actually very prophetic. Yet, even before I went to these schools and was forced to wear a beanie on my head when I went into mass with my class, I knew spirituality. I knew there was some Source withIn me and around me that was guiding and protecting me. That love was there, and this was the Ultimate Love that everyone thirsts for. It's there within us all, but I think, now that I am older, I've come to realize that we sort of get away from it...we tend to get sidetracked, but always It is there for us.
There were alot of emotions I went through in my lifetime because of this loss that I felt in my heart. There were times growing up when I questioned why things had to be this way...why did I have to go without my parents, and feel the humiliation I did as a child in school when they would have everyone doing a mother or father's day project, and the children would point out to me that I didn't have any parents and asked what was I making it for? I was an orphan, as I was called. I knew I wasn't really wanted in the home I lived in. I was told often enough that if it was up to them, I would be put in an orphanage. I was told I was ugly and would never amount to anything. Yet, something inside of me told me not to ever give up and just wait...
As I grew up many people crossed my path...sometimes I questioned why a rabbi would take the time to talk to me...I was a Catholic going to a Catholic school! Why was it that Brother Ron hushed me up in Religion class and told me to keep my hand down and not ask any questions..they were 'stupid questions'. I met a Muslim who became my friend. He asked me if he could pray in my living room every day because it was close to his work. It was through these people, and many others who crossed my path, that not only benefited me, but also my children because my children in growing never felt a sense of difference between any human being. There were no lines drawn and all were welcome in our home.
If you get the chance to look back on the many quotes I place here in my blog, they all apply to my life(perhaps your too) and the lessons I have learned. For instance,

We should regret our mistakes and learn from them,
but never carry them forward into the future with us....by L.M. Montgomery there. I could add to this, that we should never regret our past. We can learn from it, yet we should never carry the past forward into the present with us. For if we do, we will never go forward, and we will only live with the ghosts of the past.
alfred booth, wanbli ska said something in his comment to my last blog entry..he said,

my mother would say to me "I love you, but I don't really like you."
Unfortunately I learned, for lack of any other role model, to imitate most of her bad habits. Thus when she looks at me, she sees the reflection of what she probably doesn't like in herself. But that's not justification for such a cruel phrase to a child, even an adult one.
Accepting our faults is part of love. The hardest part.

Like I mentioned, Even the 'negative' we can learn from, even if it is how not to be! Let's hope now on your journey through life, you have come to see this for yourself. And I totally agree that when she looked at you there was something in you that she saw that she didn't like seeing because it was within her own self...perhaps it was a reminder to her of something in her life she resented. As for accepting our faults, I believe it is 'part' of love, but it is also part of 'forgiveness', and this is something we need to hold in our hearts, not just for ourself, but for others also. As a thought, a child who resents what their parent did in the past, and who doesn't talk to their father or mother for, however long, and decides to allow the parent back into their life, need not go back on the past with them, but let it go. Love and forgive now. Not just that parent, but for your own self. There will be no peace until all the pieces are together. Another quote I placed out but heck if I know who said it!
I need to say, alfred booth, wanbli ska ...you are the Mannnn!!! You are such a shining star, and I bet you don't even realize it!!! I truly love this person you are! What you place out, you have no idea the beauty that beholds it.
Okay well...enough of this talk..I think I have held you all up long enough. Enjoy your moments given, for that is all we have...this moment!

My 'Gift' Of Song For You This Day~

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