The Confrontation

The Confrontation-part 1

The Confrontation
Part 1- The Beginning

There comes a time in a persons’ life when they have to look back on what they have done, what they have accomplished and how that makes them feel. If you’re satisfied you continuing moving forward, if you’re not you think of what went wrong and try to change it. I kept looking back, and I figured out I needed to confront my mistakes. I could have left things the way they were, but I was not happy. I wanted to see if I brought him back into my life, if I would be happy again. I decided this was the last hope I had for change, and I wasn’t going to let this chance go by.
It was probably the most perfect Sunday morning in May, not quite summer yet but definitely having the feeling of it. The sun was out and there was a nice breeze, it was one of those Sundays that families got out together to have brunch or go for walks. Everything about this morning should have felt great for anyone. I felt uneasy, tired and not really in the mood to care about what day it was or how I should look. I woke up groggy, having been out too late the evening before. That’s what my life had become at this point, late evenings and overworked days. My only solace was to see my few friends in the evenings who would keep my mind off him. He was still around, but only when he wanted to be. It was a difficult time for me to be so close to him at times, but yet have no real grasp on him or the situation altogether. Besides going out with friends, who sometimes were his friends, I also had a few jobs that also kept me busy. Life was easy enough to live, I wasn’t poor, hungry or suffering from anything that would physically harm me, but I was emotionally starved and damaged. I just knew something was off at times and I was in constant battle to change that.
One of my jobs was as a special events writer for a local newspaper. I had a report to write about a certain figure in the community who had just turned 90. The event was taking place in church in town, one I had not set foot into for more than a year. I knew the day would come that I would have to go back to this place that I had avoided for so long. Once there was a fond memory of it, where I would know people, and feel a bit spiritual. That day there was a different feeling that brought on nausea and fear in me. It made my legs quiver before entering, and my heart raced uncontrollably. I tried to block it out. I had an obligation to do my work, to report, and I wasn’t going to let anyone or anything stop me.
I woke up, got dressed and went downstairs. I already knew no one was home. I had to pass both my parent’s rooms when coming downstairs from “my room.” I stayed upstairs in the attic those days, even though I had a room of my own. It was comfortable and secluded, just the way I wanted it to be. I had to pass by my father’s room, right at the foot of the steps coming down from the attic. My mother slept in a different room right down the hall. Both were empty. They thought I didn’t notice this little separation of theirs. Although they tried to keep it between them, and I never brought up conversation about it, I knew there was lots of tension between them. I didn’t come home too often because of this. I didn’t like the awkward silence in the evenings. I would go out right after work, or go upstairs and live in my secluded sanction. The sun was shining brightly, when I came outside. Would I shine as brightly today during my confrontation?
Walking up the steps to enter the church, I thought about what I would encounter. I knew enough that I believed people would be questioning my presence, some probably saying some things in their heads about me. It’s as if I had a scarlet letter. I probably was being too paranoid, but in small town like this one, there is always fair reason to think that if you did something wrong, you would be spoken about. I had the option of taking it personally or to not even bother thinking about it. But could I really let people think what they want and still hold my head up high when I entered? I tried my best that day, but I was never good at pretending when the matter was personal. I start to think what I would give to just scream at all of them. I wanted to make them feel horrible for even looking at me the wrong way. I wanted them to be tortured the way I had been emotionally, but more specifically I wanted both of them to be hurt the way I had been hurt. But could this have all been in my head? Very likely, I just wanted to prepare myself whenever it involved this church and this situation.
Sitting in the top pews on the second floor everything was laid out in front of me. I saw all the people, getting up, sitting down, and who they all were. I began remembering being younger and with my mom singing the hymns, and whenever the Priest would give the sermon I’d look down on the crowd and play around with them in my head. I would pretend that I could interchange everyone’s hair and give men long red hair or give women bald spots that other men had. It was fun for me. It had helped keep me busy as the Priest talked about ideas that were beyond my comprehension at the time. Now I was much older and wished I didn’t have to deal with such adult situations.
My eyes wandered around, and that’s when I saw them both, and simultaneously they saw me. Both at the lower altar of the church, standing with other clergymen. After seeing me, they turned to each other and started to whisper. I turned away realizing that fear was rushing all over me and my face was flushed and becoming red. I avoided any further eye contact. I decided to concentrate my thoughts and my eyes on something else, so I began looking at the church’s interior set-up.
It was a huge church, probably one of the more expensive ones in the area. It was one of those churches where anyone who had the money wanted their name somewhere on it, even if it was on the side of the pews. There were huge chandeliers hanging high above the pews on the first floor that led straight to the altar. There was a low stage and above that is the altar, where most of the mass happens. That altar was adorned with candles and flowers all over. Most churches are adorned this way, but you wonder if Jesus ever needed this much decoration around him when he gave sermons. High above the altar, which was shaped in an arch, has an image of two blue cloaked angels on opposite sides. Both holding trumpets in their hands and right in the middle are two baby angels holding the Bible.
I love angels; they are my favorite winged creatures. I think the beauty comes in the wings, so large and powerful. I also remember a friend, who introduced me to angels in a very interesting way. His favorite band was Tool and he had once played a song for me, ‘Wings for Marie.’ I instantly fell in love with the idea of angels being very important. They are described as messengers of God, so of course their purpose in life was of great importance. I wanted to be adorned with wings and angels all the time. Secretly, I thought I could have a guardian angel with me at times.
Church went on as it always does. At the end of mass, I walked down from the second floor and without looking to the front of the altar, or at anything else, and walked out of the church. The event I had to report on was at the hall next door. I walked over alone, and found an empty table in a far corner of the huge hall. I sat down took out my notebook and pen and waited for people to keep filling up the place. This man must have been quite important. There were two long tables in the middle of the hall with all sorts of food for guests, a projector placed on the stage where a film about his life was to be shown, and there was a table right below the stage with all sorts of awards and achievements in his name. Once people had filled the hall, everyone was in a queue to greet him and wish him a Happy Birthday.
As I began jotting notes, Paul, a deacon I had met a while ago, came into the hall and joined me at the table. We began to talk and catch up. As our conversation went on, that’s when I heard them speaking. My instincts honed in on these new voices, whatever Paul had been saying was a low hum now, something that seemed far too distant to be able to hear, even though he was in front of me. I began to lose myself. My knees became weak, and I could have fainted, but it would be too dramatic of an act. They both walked in, not really paying attention to me. David and Caleb the two people who had altered so much of my life in many ways at different stages of it. I thought I’d never be able to see the both of them together again. David was the one I was afraid of facing. David was who I came to try and confront. There were so many memories in just seeing his face; I didn’t know what to think of it now that it he was in front of me. I was a bit nervous but controlled in an angry kind of way. The whole scene was just surreal and it was making me feel a little sick. They began mocking me about what I was doing there, but not really caring too much that I was there staring at them and hearing it all. I just looked at David; I didn’t care to give Caleb the same respect. From what they were saying about me, in front of me, I was not ready to hear what would be said to me. It was obvious that I could not avoid it anymore. The time had come to face the fear and to face each other.
David turned to Caleb as he was leaving and said. “Oh, and tell this one I say bye too” He did not even look at me. He just pointed his finger at me. I hate when someone does not look directly into my eyes while speaking to me, it’s one of the rudest acts that one can commit. My anger took over my fear and I lashed out.

“You know I’m right here. You can just say what you need to say to me.” I snapped back.

“Excuse me? Are you talking to me? You dare to yell at me? I think you should keep your cool and not snap at me like that, with such hostility.” He said with a sly smile, and this time looking at me in the eye.
At this moment it seemed like it was just us two in the whole hall. Caleb had left the moment I spoke to David, like the coward he is. There was only Paul there, and he looked at us both with questioning eyes.
“You two know each other?” He asked. David still staring at me, and now it was me who was looking away so I would not get emotional about the situation.
David answered, “Yes. Angela and I know each other.”
Paul being the kind and innocent person, trying to pacify the stressful situation at hand, asked “oh, where do you two know each other from?”
David, acting as if the question was never asked, not even turning his head to look at Paul, asked in a demanding way “Paul could you give us some privacy please? I’d like to be alone with Angela for a moment.”
Confused, but complying with David’s request, he politely said his farewell to me and left.
That’s when my emotions took over.
I won’t cry here, not in the midst of others. I thought to myself. I was hoping so much that I wouldn’t have to show any emotion in front of him. Although, I know myself and I’m not strong enough to be apathetic. I knew I would give into the emotion during our confrontation.
He moved his eyes up and down, examining my appearance, and bringing them back to meet my gaze again, “Look at you Angela, what has become of you?” I couldn’t handle it anymore; the tears swelled up and took over my eyes. I didn’t care who was around me. How could I respond to this now calmly? How can I answer at all?
I had to collect myself, taking my hand and gently wiping any streaming tears. I straightened my back so I wouldn’t feel so small, “I don’t know what you are talking about. Nothing has changed about me.” I said then looked away.
I felt very nauseous at that time, and I was in disgust of myself. It made me angry to think that he could even be the slightest bit right of my situation. He was right about it, and there I was feeling hopeless and lost with just a few words from someone I had not felt close to in a while.
He looked me up and down once more, then straightened out his posture and gave me this look as if he is a disappointed father. “Come walk with me.” He said and began to leave the hall. I followed behind him. We reached the front of the church outside. The day was still gorgeous and story book-like. The breeze felt good and dried up my tears, but it did not blow away my feelings. We stood and stared around for a moment, and then he said “I knew we would speak again. I think it’s time to get some things straightened out. Don’t you?” David did always have a certain way of talking that made people a little uneasy. I never felt that way as his friend; of course we were not really friends at that time. His attitude was quite weird, he was being very cunning and pretending like what was happening did not bother him. He was pretending like what had happened didn’t even make a dent in his life. He was trying to make me feel like I was the only one that was ruined by the events of the past. He could have screamed at me for everything that had happened up until that day, but it was also done in a very calm manner, surprisingly. This made me nervous, as if he had other intentions instead of just getting something off his chest.

I looked at him with anger this time. “Can you stop acting like that? I won’t go forward with anything if you keep this up.”
“Keep what up? How am I acting Angela?” He knew what he was doing and he did it again, this time obviously being very proud that he had hit a sore spot.
“Will you just be yourself and less childish about this. You’re obviously mocking me with your words. If you want to keep being a jerk, then just leave. I don’t need to be played games with; I’ve had enough of that already. Just be real and clear about what you want with me.” I was taken aback by my stern approach, and so was he.
“Fine, I’ll tell you what I want. I’d like to meet again, privately. You need to know what you did to me. How you completely ruined my life for some time.” He was no longer trying to be funny; his look this time was of serious accusation.
“Whatever you’d like to do. Tell me where and when.”

“How about Starbucks? The one right up the street, for the whole town to see us.”

“No! I won’t put this on display. This is an issue between you and me. There is no reason for anyone else to see us. I just want it to be you and me, and over with as soon as it begin.”

“Fine. Point taken. Meet me in my town. There is one in the center. Next week Thursday at 7:30pm.”

“Ok.” I was shocked. Was it this easy to come together again and meet? It was strange the way it all worked out. There was not much difficulty and no pulling of teeth to get any of us to agree to this meeting. We then parted ways, not saying goodbye in any particular. We were not friends. Were we enemies? It felt like we were two people who had a small argument and were just figure out how to resolve it. It felt uncomfortably familiar. It brought a memory of confrontations long ago in similar manner with David. I did not comprehend entirely what had happened or what was to come. I walked away from the situation feeling all mixed up. All I knew now was I had a whole new change coming my way. I didn’t know what this change could be, but in a slightly sick and twisted way, I was looking forward to what may happen next.