30 Letters

Day 04 (Your sibling)

Dear Booger,

Honestly, I have no utter clue as to what to reveal to you in this letter. But the day is the 17th of June and you are nearly nine years old. Your best friend Chris has fallen asleep on our couch again, because his parents are drunkards and you lay soundlessly next to mother in her bed. Silently, I write this to you from the nook of my attic bedroom, all the while Carl rests upon my rawboned mattress, left arm beneath his cheek and eye lids closed tightly.
"He worries me," I told him yesterday, regarding your behavior as you spun madly out of control and plucked each yellow petal from the sunflower you had given me this morning, only to throw its insignificance into the waste basket.
"I am not sure he is like kids should be," is what I said, when I clearly meant:
"I am sure he is too much like myself to be how kids should be."

Yet, is there really a certain way children should or should not be? Is there an actual age limit on how a person should or should not act? Perhaps, only in the minds of our community and populations, but no. There is not. People, themselves are so caught up inside this web of how and how not to be perfect or considered perfection. Not ever knowing that the spider itself is, in fact the idea of perfection. Never startled at the many, many folk that cling onto their memories and regrets as they are purely eaten alive, for only wishing there were a black and white outline to everything and everyone. But, there is not. Simply. And I apologize for getting myself caught underneath that spider's strain with all the rest, because we do not belong with all the rest, do we?

Given, there are certain subjects I will neglect in bringing into your perception for twice. There are many things I will go without telling you of, because you sincerely do not need to know them. There were times as to where I did incredulous things for yourself, but I will never tell you of what they were or that I even acted on them, because they were done with much purpose. And purpose, it is so needless of parents or origins or ancestry. All it needs is itself, very unlike any of us humans, you see.

Nevertheless, I do want you to understand something meaningful and significant:
My love for you is a fire that forever ignites itself, never showing the ends to its life. For I would walk upon the most scalding of coals, if it were for your happiness. Once, when we were gallivanting throughout the woods behind our new home, I sat you aside and paraded my heart throughout the skies for you to examine yourself. I told you that day that we, the two of us, are one. That we will always be one and if something were to happen to yourself, I would show great inability to survive without. I said,
"We are bound in this life and possibly plenty more, but because of this, no one will ever love you as much as I do. No one will ever hold your heart in their hands with the sense that I do. No one will ever understand like I do." And I meant this, with every soul within my being, I meant this. You may have not been able to comprehend what was said then, but you will one day and that one day is what I wait for so impatiently. The day that you realize that I am your sister not because of blood nor papers, but for reasoning that I could never go forth unless your life and mine is combined. That I love you onto galaxies never before mentioned and care for you like mother and son. You are a part of myself and I, a part of you. And now that this has been, I would never vary what I know now for another. Because nothing on earth's ground or in life's grasp could be anything better than what you are to me.

So you know, you will collide amongst many pains within your child and adulthood, but I will always be there about your side to guide you onto whatever it is you desire. You will not understand yourself, then you will, and then you won't, but I will always be there to tell you who you are again and again. When younger, I had always wished for an older sibling because I felt situations would be much easier if were bound to one. I promised to myself that I would never allow you to struggle without me, that I would always be there for you, through thick and thin. Because like I said, we are bound as family and family steps in when the entire world steps out. You cannot remember all that I have said, but if you do remember one thing, I would like it to be that you are never alone in this huge, dog eat dog world. You will always have someone at hand, pulling for your permission to console all that she loves so dearly.

I shielded the rabbit holes with nails and wood, forcing it nearly impossible to find and fall through again. I will never allow you to play in wonderland, as I did. I plan to save you from all of that and what was. Because Alice was merely a character when we are not and when we fall, we break. I never wish to see you broken, Codey, so I won't. I promise you of this.