Personal Journal

You fall so far so fast

I have accepted that I am a moody individual.
I'm not going to try to control or suppress my emotions unless they are so strong that they impair my immediate, short-term functionality (like being so angry I want to throw things, or so sad that I want to cry in public).
This is one of my flaws as an employee. I would call it a flaw as a person, but in the absence of external responsibilities, my emotionalism isn't really a problem. It only becomes one in context.

I just concluded the phone interview. I wasn't particularly impressed with the interviewers, and I don't expect they were particularly impressed with me. Do I feel that I did a good job? I wouldn't call it good. I would call it adequate. "Professional." Who the fuck knows what they are looking for, so how am I to know whether I gave them any reason to appreciate me in any particular way.

I'm now on the slippery slope where anger, despair, and frustration intersect, and I am not in a good mood. Nihilism is coming. The idea that nothing matters, that death is the only release from struggle and pain, and in the grand scope of - even only planet Earth, my struggles are both meaningless and trivial. To describe them as otherwise is to disrespect truly horrible fates, and to engage in self-aggrandizing narcissism. No one cares about your career. No one should.

Yes. All true.

What then do I do with all these feelings?
And with this incessantly thinking brain?
What do I tell my impetus to hope?

This harsh side of me, this godless scientist eeking out an existence by leveraging the laws of thermodynamics in my favor. You forget how every day you are robbing other organisms of their energy so that you can have yours.

I am tired.
I am beaten the fuck down, and I'm ashamed that these man-made tribulations affect me so.
It reminds me that I am weak. Weaker than I'd like to be.

How do I get through the day?
How do I pick myself up, dust myself off, erase the tracks of tears and drool that stain the veneer that I try to show to the world.

I can't take it. I can't stand it.
The thing about feelings, especially today with this negative one, is that I feel like something is missing inside of me. Something is dead or gone. And it hurts in some low and black way.
And I wonder how long I have to continue to live like this.

I know what I should be grateful for. I can touch those things and caress them and see light around the edge of this pit.
But I am in the pit.

It seems I have the kind of brain that either needs to wallow in the lowness, or I have the kind of character flaw that makes me incapable of releasing it and replacing it with something uplifting.

This is the flaw I accept. This is the thing that I don't believe I could change even if I knew how.
This is the thing I'm afraid I can't even try.

I'm done looking for work for a while.
I'm done.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn