Personal Journal

the sex, somebody to trust

A lot going on. Manic spasm at the end of a work and school day. Leave house at 7. Home at 9:30 p.m. Standard.

Several things in my post-hit evening that are important to get down.
1) I embrace failure with too much enthusiasm
2) I made a mistake, and nothing more
3) Thinking about swearing to be authentic if I get a 2nd chance at MedAssets
4) The high holy day, and making things important just because, in the history of me, certain events have mythological significance to me personally (i.e. My High Holy Day)
5) I am bitter that the universe has never seemed to favor my flavor of unique
6) I have to trust my wife enough to write my journal under the same roof as she

On to them, then:

First, the subject line, from Steely Dan, one of my favorite lesser known songs: "The Things I Miss the Most"
'The talk, the sex
somebody to trust'

These are the three best things about having a steady relationship...
I'm thinking of going to see dr. kingman again, because I know how easy it is to trust her, and I have some shit going on. Why else would I be needing to be high every night, virtually, since January 1...

1) I embrace failure with too much enthusiasm (and also 2 - I made a mistake, nothing more).

During the interview, I was asked what my supervisor would say I do very well and what I need to improve on.
Well, I got the 'well part' easily enough and succinctly related to the position, but where the weakness went, I said something along these lines:
'I do not have a mathematically expansive mind' and that's true. Where statistics are concerned, I don't think that's a big deal, but for modeling, it might be. I think I could learn if I were around it enough (as in working in the field). That's not what I said. I think I left what could have been perceived as a huge warning flag sitting on their table.

I think that is why I did poorly. The interview was relatively short (half an hour or less) and they did not ask for any salary information for me. This is the first time in any of 4 phone interviews that I was not asked about salary. Thus, I think they knew they were done with me.

Maybe. I'm fucking prone to insecurity and underconfidence. Maybe they don't discuss salaries at this stage. Dunno. Decided the best position about it now is not to care. "It is what it is." I'm not going to radically change my habit because I think I might get this job. I just can't allow myself to be invested in it.

If I didn't impress them, if I did leave that vulnerability there such that they knew immediately they should axe me, fine. I made a simple mistake. I'm not going to count the cost as real. THey were only ever potential gains, so there is no actual loss.

I have been getting angry at "them" (the interviewers) all day and being mad at the world because they didn't find me interesting as a candidate. I was blaming others. Because I didn't want to blame myself.

Because I tend to be a person who can wallow in self pity, even if mostly invisibly and inwardly (or maybe that's just a delusion). I tend to be a person who can find himself being 'happy to be unhappy'. I've met people like that in the world, and they fucking suck. Rachelle was one. A martyr. Today I found that trait thriving in myself, and it was ugly.

I believe people need to believe in god because the impossibility of logic if it's all random probabilities can paralyze you. It has paralyzed me at moments in this job search. Good fuckin god it could make a good backdrop for a modern American epic.

My job is to learn how better to find a job. I made a step forward today. I'm very fond of a business conversation concerning failure. A chief executive, asked if he was going to terminate an employee who lost 600,000, said "No, I've just spent six hundred thousand training him." I like the attitude. It's an improvement. I somehow managed to make myself feel better tonight, and I'm glad.

Some credit has to be given to sativa blend weed, in all seriousness. My thoughts didn't gel and clear until I was baked.
I seriously wonder if I have ADD...

Skipping ahead to my High Holy Day, for any of you who care. Meah, new entry

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn