Down the Rabbit Hole

There is a letter in my desktop...

An impromptu cleaning session this morning unearthed an old letter. It must have been one of a series in which I professed my love but different because it appears to be a goodbye, at least the goodbye that finally stuck. Throughout the years of being in a relationship with an addict, I have to confess, I wrote many letters in which I professed, promised and pleaded. When I think back to the time I spent bleeding on onto paper in electronic ink for a love and a life that now seemed destined to an early grave, it defies all reason. There is a closet in my soul containing volumes about this time in my life. Letters like this one are simply reminders that there is a story here that I need to tell before I can ever really shake it free. Until then, I will always be prone to relive the darker moments of my past whenever I accidently stumble upon these things. Without wanting to, I drift back to the person I was and the life I lead when I wrote these words. I marvel at how much of my heart had been invested in someone who was never really there, not in the sense I believe they existed. I can almost recall the exact moment I must have penned this letter, awash in the pain of disappointment that he had begun drinking again. Unlike all the countless ones before, this letter bears evidence that I had begun to change. I had finally found my footing and was fighting back against the undertow. I am suddenly ceased by a sense of pride for having found the strength to walk away. The date on the letter reads September 21, 2005. He would be dead only a year and a few days after I wrote this letter. I wonder if he had ever read it, if I had sent it or simply written it for myself. I realize that I've put off finishing my book because I saw it more as his story and I felt I could not justify devoting more time to him, even now that it has been several years. However, in reading this letter, I come to understand that this is a story as much about me, about my journey, that it is about his life and death. Today I have an amazing life with a wonderful husband and daughter and in a odd way I wonder, had it not been for Seth and for my experience with him, would I have reached this place? In a very real way, my life with him, the joys, the disappointments, the betrayal, the pain and the loss, forged in me the desire for the very things I am blessed with today. If I approach my book with those truths in mind, it becomes a different project altogether and one I can look forward to finishing.