Down the Rabbit Hole

Elmo Teethers and Quick Changes

This morning started out as so many have before, a hurried goodbye kiss, catching a few chapters of an audio book while Jaden clutches her Elmo teether and sings along and devouring yet another unhealthy breakfast on the drive to her daycare. I should have expected the worst when, squarely ten minutes into our ride, Jaden began screaming. I should have expected the very unpleasant site that awaited me when I finally swung into the first open parking space at her school, but I could not have anticipated how much of a mess one little girl can make while strapped securely into her carseat. There was literally poop everywhere, and not just any poop...this was the vile, green and slimy mess reserved for only the worst possible times ever. I took a deep breath and drove in. After I had her cleaned, changed and calmed down, I was able to bring her inside, her usual smiling self. As the teachers commented on her cute little outfit, clearly second rate to the one she'd left the house in, I thought about the mess that still awaited me in the backseat. It wasn't until I was on my second package of the cheap wipes I had erroneously bought, that I contemplated the amazing array of choices and twists of fate that had placed me here, frantically scrubbing at a baby poop stain on an infant car seat.

Six years ago, I had given motherhood only a passing thought. I was well-entrenched in my quest to become a corporate demi-goddess. I was earning a very nice salary and subsequently spending it all in the process of extracting myself from a horrible marriage and an even less well-advised affair. I was traveling, quite often. I was thinner. I was driven. I was fearless. And I was, as it turned out, headed for dark places. When the bottom fell out of my world, I wandered around in an ugly fog. The things I had devoted my time and energy to had betrayed me, drained me and left me for dead, so to speak.

Then something remarkable happened. I met someone. I've thought back and that's really the very first momentously good thing that started the whole chain reaction of wonderful. I met someone who changed my whole outlook on what was normal, what was real, what I really needed in my life. I had all those things I had convinced myself I never would; a great romance, an endearing proposal, a wonderful fairytale wedding, a stress-free pregnancy that produced a beautiful, beautiful little girl who takes my breath away every time I look at her. A beautiful little girl who has just made me late to work...again. I can't help but look at myself now, compared to the other versions of me I've been over the last six years. This me, this new mother who regularly forgets to put makeup on, who notices spit-up stain on her jacket half-way through a work day and who barely makes it in before 9am most days of the week, I like her very much. I think that this new me, who looks at the clock at three pm and thinks..."I'll see her soon..." is my most favorite me of all.