Outrunning Shadows

Chapter 17: Taken for Granted

Chapter 17 – Taken for Granted





When Evan left his house, he failed to notice a red Subaru Outback parked across the street from his house. It had followed him when he left. Andrew looked out his window and saw the car following Evan’s Cherokee then keep driving when Evan pulled into his driveway; but didn’t really pay it any attention. Andrew met him on the porch.


“I thought you were going to a motel?”


“I’m afraid to be alone. Can I stay here?”


“Of course you can stay here,” Andrew reached his arm around Evan’s shoulder and ushered him into the house. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for any of us to be alone right now.” He picked up the phone and dialed some numbers. He invited Dora and Engrid over to play a game for a while. Engrid arrived a few minutes later.


While Dora was walking across the grass that separated the two houses, she noticed the red Subaru driving by. It pulled up to the curb and its occupant called out to her.


“Hi, how are you?” The nice young man inside asked.


“I’m fine,” Dora replied, “Can I help you?”


         “Do you know an Evan Grayson?”


“Yes, why?”


“I’ve been looking for him.”


“I’m not sure right now is the best time. He’s had a rough day. I think you should go now, sir.” She said and walked away from the car.


“Ms….?”


“Murchison, Dora Murchison. Who are you?” She said turning around.


“My name is Grant Kirkland. I’m a friend of his from New York.”


“You have a terrible sense of timing, Mr. Kirkland, I was serious when I said today wasn’t a good day. Maybe you should come back in a couple of days.”


“You say he’s had a bad day?”


“Yes- a terrible day. Now, if you please.”


“I think I may be able to cheer him up. Remind him of happier days.”


“I don’t know. I really think you should wait until at least tomorrow.”


“Please, Mrs. Murchison. I haven’t seen Evan in a very long time. I came all the way from New Hampshire to see him.”


“You didn’t call ahead?”


“I wanted to surprise him. He’ll want to see me.”


“Well, if you think it will cheer him up, I guess it couldn’t hurt.” He pulled a little closer to the curb and turned off his car. He got out and walked beside Dora up the steps of Andrew’s house.


“Evan lives here?”


“No. This is a friend’s house. It’s a very long story, Mr. Kirkland.”


“Please, call me Grant.”


“Then call me Dora.” She rang the doorbell.


“Come in!” Andrew called out from inside the kitchen. Dora opened the door and the two people walked in.


“You wait here and I’ll tell them you’re here.”


He stood along the wall of the darkened hallway as Dora disappeared into the brightly lit kitchen. Andrew, Evan, and Engrid were sitting at the kitchen table. Andrew was dealing playing cards.          


“Want me to deal you in?” Andrew asked.


“Well, there may be an extra person joining us.”


They all looked up uncertainly. She looked out into the hallway and motioned with her hands. Then she stepped into the kitchen. A man appeared in the shadowy darkness behind her and stepped into the light.


Evan put his hands up to his mouth and said, “Holy shit.” Engrid’s eyes almost bugged out of her head and she coughed as she choked on her diet soda and tried not to spew it across the kitchen table. Andrew and Dora were equally confused at the strange reception the stranger was getting.


“He said he was a friend of Evan’s from New York. I told him that you’d had a bad day but he said he might be able to cheer you up.”


Engrid jumped up from the table, grabbed Grant with one hand and Dora with the other and shoved them out into the hallway and over into the living room where Andrew and Evan couldn’t hear them. Once there, she lit into them.


“Dora, what were you thinking?”


“I told him it was a bad idea, but he insisted. He said he’d come all the way from New Hampshire and so I felt bad turning him away. So, I thought what harm could it do? I figured if he was a friend from New York, he probably knew about Evan already.”


“Dora,” Engrid began patiently, “This is Grant.”


“I know, he said his name was…how did you know his name?”


“Grant was Evan’s boyfriend when he lived in New York City.”


“He was….oh no! I’m so sorry. I had no idea.” Dora stepped back away from them as the gravity of what she’d done set in.


“Grant,” Engrid said, “Today is not a good day for this. Please, go home. I’m sorry you came all this way, but you have to go home.”


“I can’t. I’ve thought about Evan every day for the last two years. I can’t live without him anymore.”


“You have got to be kidding me,” Engrid said with almost a hint of laughter, “Please tell me you’re joking.”


“It’s no joke,” he said with utmost seriousness, “I love Evan and I believe Evan loves me too. I came here to beg him to have me back. I’m ready to live here. I sold my house in New Hampshire. I got a job at the bank and I made a down payment on a house here in Deerfield.”


“Grant, that’s touching, really it is, but another time, please.” Engrid said.


“No, I’ve waited too long already.”


“You’ve waited two years. Why couldn’t you have done this 24 hours ago? This morning would have been good. Now, is not the time.”


Grant brushed past her and returned to the kitchen. Evan was sitting at the table. Andrew almost had to tie him to the chair to keep him from going to the living room.


“Evan, can I talk to you out on the porch?”


Evan looked at Andrew. Andrew just shrugged. After what Evan had said about Grant in the last few weeks, Andrew knew that he’d lost Evan in a remarkably less than fair fight. Evan got up from the table and rushed out. Engrid and Dora came back into the kitchen. Andrew was standing at the sink, his head down.


Engrid sat down at the table. Dora walked up behind Andrew and stood beside him at the sink. His eyes were misty. How many tears could one old lady wipe in a day?


Dora didn’t say anything, just stared at the empty sink.


“After all this, I lost,” Andrew said, his lower lip wiggling.


“You haven’t lost. If you love him, you’ll fight for him.”


“I love him, but he doesn’t love me. I don’t want to be second.”


“You shouldn’t be.” Engrid said from behind them, “You’re too good for that. You shouldn’t be second to anybody.”


“He loves Grant. I know that. I just thought Grant was in the past.”


“He loved Grant. Grant is from a different time and place in Evan’s life. Grant is a relic of a life Evan enjoyed. Grant is Evan’s past. If you fight for him, you might be Evan’s future.” Dora said.


Andrew turned to face Engrid at the table. “I can’t compete with Grant.”


“Why not?”


“Look at me. I’m a skinny, bookish investment advisor. My hair is a wreck, my clothes are bland, and I don’t know the first thing about gay culture- or culture in general for that matter. Barely a month ago, Evan hated my guts. Grant was there for Evan at some of the worst times in his life. Grant stuck by him through all kinds of torture. Not to mention that Grant is sexy. Grant is city. Grant is everything Evan wants in a man. I’m just me. I’m just plain, boring, dumb me.”


“So, you’re just going to give up?” Dora asked, “Just like that?”


“How do I fight for him?”


“Heck if I know. I married my high school prom date.” Dora said, “I’ve never had to fight for my man. But I would say show him you love him. He’ll see you for who you really are and he’ll realize what a fantastic person you are. He’ll come around. Just give him some time.” Dora reassured him. It never occurred to her that an 93 year old woman would be here giving gay dating advice to a 25 year old man.


“How do I get to him?”


“He’s on your front porch, go interrupt,” Engrid said, sipping her diet soda.


“Okay, I’ll go,” He stood up straight and walked out of the kitchen.


Andrew walked to the front door and opened it, stepping out onto his front porch.


“How are you?” Andrew asked Grant.


“I’m fine. Grant replied, “I’m Grant Kirk….”


“Oh I know who you are,” Andrew smiled, “Can I help you?”


“We were just talking,” Evan said, “Can we have a few minutes?”


“I just wanted to meet the man behind the myth, that’s all.”


“Andrew, please, I want to talk to Grant alone.”


Andrew stood still for a minute. He wasn’t sure if he should fight or wait. He decided to wait. He turned and went back into the house. Engrid and Dora were waiting for him in the kitchen.


“Well, what did he say?” Dora asked.


“They’re just talking.”


“Are you sure that’s all?”


“I guess so. I don’t know for sure.”


“I guess they may need a minute.” Dora admitted, “Maybe Evan’s telling him to shove off.”


“That could be.” Engrid agreed, “It’s kind of presumptuous of him to show up here and assume that Evan would drop everything and come running back to him. How desperate does he think Evan is?”


“It is kind of insulting when you put it that way.” Andrew said.


They heard the front door open and close. Soon, the two men appeared in the kitchen doorway.


“Andrew, I’m so sorry.”


“For what?”


“I thought I was over Grant, but when I saw him tonight, I realized that I wasn’t. He moved here. He loves me, Andrew. After all I put him through, he still loves me.”


“Evan, please don’t do this to me.”


“I’m sorry Andrew,” Evan was a little hesitant. He wasn’t sure if what he was doing was the best thing or the worst thing to do. All he knew was that it was the only thing he could do. He could never disappoint Grant again, after what Grant had just sacrificed to be near him.


“Evan, please don’t leave me. What am I supposed to do?”


“Thank you for all you’ve done for me the last couple of weeks. It really does mean a lot.” Evan said, and then he turned and walked away with Grant at his side. After the front door opened and closed again, the three sat in stunned silence.


“Well that was a crummy thing to do,” Dora said, looking at the empty doorway, a scowl furrowing her brow line.


“So, winning him back is going to be a little tougher than we’d planned,” Engrid said, trying to be encouraging, “but that doesn’t mean we will give up, right Andrew?”


“I don’t know. I think you’d both better head home. I need some time alone. Besides, you saw how happy he was when Grant came. I can’t mess that up.”


“I guess I’d better head home,” Dora said, standing. No one knew what else to say, so decided it best to say nothing more.


“I’ve done enough damage for one day, so just give either of us a call if you need us for anything.” Engrid looked at the floor as she turned and left the kitchen and disappeared into the darkened hallway.


Andrew just sat at his kitchen table, the whole house filled with silence. He had never felt so alone, so hopeless. He just wanted to curl up into a ball and forget that he existed. Of all the thoughts that could have come into his mind at that moment, the one that he thought of was that Rose had died in that room. According to Engrid, they had found her dead, cold corpse on the floor by the sink right where he’d been standing just a few minutes earlier.


Engrid walked in her house and went upstairs. She started pacing around her bedroom, trying to decide what to do. She had known Evan was gay since her second visit to New York. Evan didn’t know that she knew so she never confronted him about it. She noticed that Andrew’s bedroom light was also on. She called him on the phone. When he realized who it was, he went over to the window and parted the curtains and saw Engrid looking back at him.


“Andrew, I’m so sorry about all that happened today.”


“It’s not your fault, Engrid.”


“Yes, it is, Andrew.  I just hope Myrtle calms down a little bit. And I hope Evan gets himself straightened out. Grant is a nice person, you know.”


“I wouldn’t know,” Andrew replied flatly.


“The second time I visited New York, going on three and a half years ago, Evan was very busy, and so Grant played tour guide for me. Grant was definitely gay. I figured that Evan was as well, but until today I have never talked to him about it. I didn’t want to spook him, you know.”


“What did Grant do that made you think he was gay?”


“He told me. One of the most fun nights of my life was on that trip.”


“Why was that?”


“Evan had to work late at the publishing company and Grant told me that he had committed to going out with a few people. I said that that was fine, that I was more than happy to stay at Evan’s while he went out. He said that I should come. He said I would have a good time. It took me some getting used to, but eventually I was able to relax and ended up have a very nice time going out with him.”


“Where did you go?”


“Well, we were walking along this sidewalk. There was a blank concrete wall with a grey metal door in the middle. Grant knocked and the door opened. I knew I was in trouble when the man at the door said that the elderly weren’t allowed. Grant said that I was Michael, his 25 year old brother.”


“What in the world?”


“That’s what I said. Anyhow, I went in and the whole room was full of men. Very well kept men, I might add. Naturally, they were curious about me. It took me a few minutes to realize that they thought I was a man.”


“They thought you were a drag queen?”


“Yes, that’s the term. They thought I was a man going around as a woman. That really caught me off guard, as you can imagine.” She said, delighted with herself.


“I’ve never seen a drag show, but I can imagine.”


“Well, it was a sight to behold, that’s for sure. Like I said, it took me a while to relax, but it was worth it. It was so colorful and loud- tacky really, but funny.”


“What did you do?”


“I flirted my little heart out. Then one man told me to drop the act and talk to him. That was when I realized that they really thought I was a man dressed as a woman. I said, I can’t drop the act, I was born like this. He said, ‘Honey, weren’t we all?’ Well, I have never been so embarrassed. I turned beet red but I calmed down and had fun anyway.”


“I’m glad. Maybe you could take me sometime?”


“I think Evan would be a better choice for that. I’m not up on my drag culture.”


“Where would you even go around here?”


“There’s bound to be some in Florida somewhere or New Orleans.”


“That’s true, there probably are.”


“Well, you’d better get some sleep; you’ve had a rough day.”


“Good night, Engrid.”





                                                 #





The next morning, Andrew skipped church solely because he was afraid that Evan would be there. Instead, he sat on his couch and read a book. Since he didn’t wake up until 10:30, lunch time quickly came and he was hungry. As he was sitting at his kitchen table, the doorbell rang. He answered it. It was the face from last night. It was Grant. What on God’s green earth could Grant possibly want?


Andrew opened the door and stood there, looking surprised and blank.


“Can I come in?” Grant asked.


Andrew didn’t say anything, but stepped aside. He showed Grant into the living room. They sat down in separate chairs. Andrew still hadn’t spoken.


“Will someone over hear us?”


“Who?”


“Your mother or one of your grandmothers?”


“This is my house. Engrid and Dora live on either side of me, but this house is mine. I doubt any of them will hear us.”


“Oh, I didn’t realize that. Andrew, I came to apologize.”


“For what?”


“For showing up like I did. It seemed to upset Evan really badly.”


“What did he tell you?”


“He didn’t tell me anything, but he was distant last night after we left. After we left, he got really quiet and wouldn’t say much. I figured it probably had something to do with you.”


“Why?”


“I don’t know. Just with what happened here last night and then him being that way later, I could just sense that something was bothering him a lot but he wouldn’t tell me what it was.”


“Oh. Well, he came out to his mother yesterday and she threw him out. That’s probably what was bothering him.”


“She what?” Grant sat up in his chair.


“He came out to her yesterday and she threw him out. That’s why we were all here- helping to pick up the pieces.”


“Oh. I didn’t know.”


“There’s a lot you don’t know.” Andrew smiled.


Grant took the bait. “Like what?”


“What do you think Evan was doing since he left you?”


“I guess he was working here.”


“Did you think he was sitting around pining for you?”


“To be honest, I kind of hoped so.”


“Too bad. Evan had moved on.”


“Really? I didn’t know that. You mean he was in a full-fledged relationship?”


“Sort of. He was really close, but then you showed up and stole him back.”


“I love Evan and Evan loves me. It’s that simple. I want to be with him enough that I moved down here.”


“You’ll be miserable here. It’s flaming hot and there’s not much to do.”


“Evan’s all I want. I can put up with the rest of it as long as he’s there.”


“That’s noble.” Andrew said flatly, his eyes narrow.


Grant’s eyes got big. “It was you!”


“What do you mean?”


“You were the guy Evan was in a relationship with.”


“Can’t slip anything past you, now can we?” Andrew said, dripping with sarcasm.


“I guess that woman was right, I do have a terrible sense of timing.”


“That was Dora. She’s usually right. Engrid you have to watch out for sometimes or she’ll get you in trouble.”


“Had you and Evan ever, you know, done anything?”


“That’s none of your business.”


“I think I should go,” Grant stood up.


“That’s not a bad idea,” Andrew said, remaining seated.


Grant left the house and Andrew still hadn’t stood up. He just sat staring at the fireplace. He desperately wanted Evan back, but had no idea how to go about that. He had too much pride to beg Grant to give up. If he was going to win Evan back, he was going to have to fight and fight fair.


A few minutes later, Andrew heard a car drive up outside. He went to the window. Engrid had returned home from church. He saw her get out of her car and go inside. He debated with himself whether or not he should go over. He had no idea where Evan and Grant were staying and so couldn’t contact them directly. Then a thought occurred to him. He went into the kitchen, picked up the phone, and sat down. He dialed a number.


A pleasant prerecorded voice said, “You are being forwarded to the mobile voice mailbox of Evan Grayson. Please leave a message after the tone. Beep.”


“Hello, Evan, this is Andrew. Please call me; I want to talk to you again. Or just stop by sometime because I really want to see you again.”


Discouraged, he hung up the phone and sat there staring at the table.


He said aloud to himself, “How could something that had been going so well suddenly go so wrong?” He beat himself up trying to figure out what he had done wrong to make Evan ditch him that fast and that flippantly.


He called Paul. He was home, so Andrew drove out there. The big rig was parked outside. It struck Andrew as funny that Paul’s vehicle was twice the size of his house.


“So, Andrew, what’s been going on? Haven’t seen much of you.”


“I was busy. Sorry.”


“So was I.”


“Oh? Seeing anyone?”


“I wish. You?”


“I was.”


“Really? You’ve been seeing someone.”


“Yeah. Stunning isn’t it?”


“It’s great. Except you said you ‘were’?”


“He dumped me.”


“Oh, I’m sorry. Want me to beat him up?”


“The thought did cross my mind- except I want to beat him up myself.”


“I can understand that. What happened?”


“His old boyfriend from New York showed up at my house.”


“Oops.”


“Seriously. Engrid, Dora, and I were helping him after his mother kicked him out.”


“Why’d she kick him out?”


“He came out to her, so the four of us were at my house.”


“Why’d he come out to her?”


“I accidentally told the people at work about us.”


“This like one of those stories, you know, like my dog died. Well, how’d he die? Well, the roof caved in. Why the roof cave in? Because the attic caught on fire. Why did the attic catch on fire? Because… you know how it just keeps on going.”


“It feels like that.”


Andrew and Paul sat facing each other in recliners as Andrew recounted what had transpired in the last few weeks.


“Wow. You have been busy. I had no idea you get that much action out here in the middle of nowhere.”


“Me neither. What should I do?”


“How should I know? I’ve never been in a relationship with a man.”


“I thought you had.”


“Ha, ha. Now women? Talking about an unstable operating system.”


“What’s that mean?”


“Just when you think you’ve gotten something right, they burst out crying. They tell you something’s wrong, but they leave it to you to guess what it is. You get the error message loud and clear, but not much help in the troubleshooting department.”


“I guess that’s true.”


“Sometimes I think gay people have it easier. You know how men think because you are one. Straight relationships are a lot of guess work.”


“It’s not a bed of roses.”


“No, I guess not, I’m glad I didn’t have to tell my mom that. She’d damn near kill me if I had to do a fool thing like that.”


“So, that leaves me right where I am. I’m guessing. I don’t know what to do.”


“Might not be much you can do. Sounds like this Evan guy’s already made up his mind. You might just have to cut him loose and start over with someone else.”


“How do I find someone else? It was pure dumb luck I stumbled onto him.”


“I don’t know. The internet?”


Andrew just gave him a look. “I haven’t sunk that low have I?”


“What other option do you have?”


“I could go back to that club in Columbia.”


“Then you’d be two hours on the road for every date.”


“What else am I supposed to do? Plus, it’s a small town, I’m gonna see Evan and Grant everywhere from the grocery store to the bank.”


“Sounds like you’ve got yourself a right royal mess, don’t it?”


“You can say that again.”


“I could, but I don’t like being repetitive.” Paul smiled.


Andrew sat staring at the window for a few minutes. Paul took a sip of his beer and sat it on the end table. He looked over at Andrew, a look of curiosity on his face. Andrew’s face always had a mysterious, thoughtful quality to it. Paul could never tell what Andrew was thinking, though he often tried unsuccessfully to guess.


“I think you need to go talk to him,” Paul said, fumbling with a magazine.


“Why?”


“Try to talk some sense into him. If you love him that much you should fight for him shouldn’t you? I mean if I was in love with a woman and her old boyfriend came back in the picture, I’d beat the ever living crap out of him.”


“Really? You think I should go beat him up? This isn’t the 7th grade.”


“It’s not graceful, but it’s effective. I’m not saying physically kick the shit out of him, not that it’s a bad idea, but you should go put your foot down and say ‘look, we’ve got a problem.’ See what he does with it.”


“I talked to him this morning, just before I called you.”


“Oh? What did he say?”


“He didn’t realize that Evan and I had a relationship.”


“Humph. How’d he miss that one?”


“Grant’s gorgeous, but he’s dumb as a box of rocks.”


“The gorgeous ones usually are, I’ve been told. With women, often the truly beautiful ones are also freakishly brilliant.”


“Maybe. Anyway, Grant seems nice enough. I want to hate him, but he just seems so cute and clueless.”


“Do you think Evan sees in you a little of what he sees in Grant?”


“Are you calling me stupid?” Andrew asked playfully.


“No, seriously, do you think the reason Evan is attracted to you is because you remind him of Grant?”


“So, you’re saying he was never attracted to me. He was attracted to Grant through me?”


“Stranger things have happened. But, probably not.” He corrected himself when he realized that his last comment hadn’t helped.


“If that’s the case, then why bother? He won’t be attracted to me anymore now that the real thing is here.”


“You just have to help him see something else.”


“Like what?”


“How should I know? I’m not a damned shrink. You figure it out. Sorry.”


“Don’t be. Engrid said she’d help me figure things out.”


“No. Don’t do that. You’ve gotta do it on your own terms. Do you remember Teresa Sandoval?”


“Sounds familiar, why?”


“She lives over in Perryville. She and I dated for a while. I really liked her, so I didn’t want to mess it up. So a buddy of mine helped me write a script of what to say. It sucked, totally. She hated it and I never could get her to date me after that. See, whatever you do, it has to come from you…nobody else. If anybody else tries to help, it’ll suck and it’ll fail and you can’t afford that. It’s not like your dating pool is all that massive here.”


“What do I say?”


“I don’t know. You just sort of have to feel your way through it.”


“Are you sure you’re straight?”


“Yes, I’m sure. I just know because I’ve royally screwed up enough times. Andrew, if I was into guys I’d do you in a minute, but I’m not.” Paul smiled at him. It was sort of a condescending, but well-intentioned smile.


“I know. I’m just frustrated. Things were going so well, then BAM, it all fell apart. It seems like when I get one part of my life in order, something else falls fantastically to pieces in a blaze of glory. I thought I wouldn’t find someone living here to go out with. I thought I was doomed to a life of friendship and that’d be all I’d ever get. Then the most amazing and wonderful and perfect man inadvertently walks into my life and I saw a spark of hope. I realized that I could live here and have a lover at the same time. That made me happier than I thought I could be. Then shiatsu poof bang, some old flame drives all the way from New Hampshire or Vermont or some such place and I get thrown out like an old sock that doesn’t have a match.”


“That sucks.” Paul said- a hint of amusement in his voice.


“Yeah, Paul, it does, it’s some major ass suckage.”


Paul laughed. Andrew didn’t talk like that much anymore. He’d gotten too highly educated to say ‘major ass suckage’ very often- unless of course he really meant it and there was no other phrase that really captured the essence.


“So, what are you gonna do about it?”


“Not one damned thing, that’s what I’m gonna do about it.”


“Huh? I thought that’s what this whole stupid pep talk’s been about.”


“I don’t want to become the creepy stalker guy. If Evan wants to be with Grant, then fine, let him be with Grant. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.”


“You’re a gay man living in the rural south. This isn’t the sea, this is a tiny fishbowl full of Clorox, unless you want to hook up through the internet how many other fish do you think are out there? My bet, try to win Evan back.”


“Why?”


“Ever since you moved here, all I’ve heard is Evan this and Evan that. You’ve been swooning like some lovesick teenager. If you manage to find someone better than Evan out in these sticks, I’ll marry him. At least he’ll keep house better’n me.”


“I guess you’re right. What are the chances of finding someone else?”


“That’s the spirit.” Paul said with sarcasm.


Andrew fell silent, his brow furrowed with thought. “I guess,” Andrew began, “I could try…no, that wouldn’t work…maybe if I….no, that’s stupid.”


Paul just sat watching the mind of a genius at work.


Andrew finally made a complete, coherent sentence, “Maybe if I’m just simple and plain about it. Maybe I’ll ask Evan over one afternoon and just talk to him.”


“It’s a start. You go do that. I’m gonna sit here and read. I’m gonna go to bed soon. I need to be on the road by 3:30 tomorrow morning.”


“Geez, that’s early.”


“You’re telling me.” Then he smiled. “Now get out of my house.”


Andrew stood up and left.





         *                    *                    *





When he drove into his driveway, Engrid was spraying water on her azalea bushes. She looked up and smiled as he shut off the engine. He waved to her and went inside. He sat on the couch and stared at the street through the window. There had to be a way to get through to Evan. It couldn’t be as hard as he feared it would be. Evan’s attachment to Grant was strong; Andrew knew that all too well from what Evan had told him about Grant in their previous conversations.


He called Evan and left another voicemail. He was becoming the creepy stalker guy- someone he’d vowed he’d never become.








                             *                    *                    *








Evan was sitting in his Jeep, looking at Grant’s new house. It was a small house about a mile away from Engrid, Dora, and Andrew. It was about a twenty minute walk. He stared at the temporary South Carolina license plate on the back of the red Outback. He was falling apart inside. He thought he’d had his life figured out. He and Andrew were going to live happily ever after. Then Grant came back the very next day.


“I’m such a little shit,” Evan said out loud, “I can’t believe I did that to Andrew.”


But rather than rectifying it, he just sat staring at Grant’s new front door. He got out and got the groceries out of the backseat and carried them up the steps. He sat the heavy paper bags down on the kitchen table. He heard the shower running. He wondered up and down the main hallway. The house was stark, there were unpacked boxes everywhere. Despite his feelings for Andrew, Evan was excited about Grant being back. He’d never imagined that Grant and he would ever even see each other again, let alone be living under the same roof. It just seemed so surreal. The shower turned off. Evan went into the living room and started arranging some candles he’d found in a box. He was placing them along the mantle over the fireplace. It was an actual fireplace, not one of those gas insert things. Grant appeared in the doorway.


“Sweetie, those are for the dining room table.”


“Then why are they in here?”


“This is the dining room. The living room’s gonna be over there.”


“Oh.”


Grant just stood in the doorway smiling at Evan, who was looking around as if he was trying to figure out why the dining room was so far from the kitchen rather than adjacent to it.


“What?” Evan asked, squirming in the intensity of Grant’s gaze.


“Nothing. I just can’t believe you’re actually standing in front of me. I thought I’d never see you again.”


“So did I. I thought you were gone for good. But, you’re not.”


“No. I’m here. I told you I would be.”


“You did?”


“Don’t you remember? I must have told you dozens of times that whatever happens, I’ll always be there for you.”


“You did. And you are.” Evan looked at the floor. “Thank you.”


Grant just kept smiling. Then he turned and walked away, leaving Evan alone in the dining room with a fist full of votives and a heart full of conflict. Evan put the candles back in the box and went to find Grant. He was in the kitchen taking plates out of a box and putting them in the dishwasher.


“Can I ask you a question?”


“Sure. You can ask me anything.”


“Why’d you decide to move here after all this time? I mean it’s been two years. Why now?”


“After you left, I hated New York. I wasn’t ready to go home to Vermont just yet, so I moved to New Hampshire. I was miserable, Evan. I tried to meet guys, but none of them fit. They weren’t you, Evan. They were nice, in their own ways, but they just weren’t you.”


Evan’s brow furrowed.


“I was hoping for a smile.”


“Why? I never respond well to compliments, you know that.” There was an edge of hostility in his voice.


“Evan, what’s the matter?”


“Nothing.”


“Evan, if there’s something bothering you, you’d tell me, right? No more secrets? I want to know you better. I don’t want to have to guess what you’re thinking.”


“Well, it’s just…”


“It’s Andrew, isn’t it?”


“He and I haven’t been together very long, but I really do have feelings for him, Grant. But I love you. You’re the one I love. I just need to put Andrew behind me, that’s all. It’s going to take time, but I’ll deal with it, okay?”


“Which one of us are you trying to convince, Evan?”


“Me, I guess. I just want to do what’s right, that’s all. I just want to do the right thing.”


Grant silently continued to load the dishwasher. Evan sat down at the table.


“Would you rather be with him right now?” Grant asked. He felt he had to ask, even though he feared the answer.


“No. I want to be with you. It’s just that I can’t help but think of him all alone. I want to be with you, but I don’t want to leave Andrew alone without anybody.”


“You want to date him because you feel sorry for him? He needs to get his own life. He can’t depend on you for all his friendships. He’s got to get out there.”


“Get out there? What are you going to do? As far as people know, friends are all we are. If we try to be anything else, we’re in trouble. This isn’t Provincetown where we can walk arm in arm down the street and no one bats an eye. We have to be careful and watch what we say and how we say it. We have to be careful about our mannerisms, about everything about us. If we let our guard down, the best we can hope for is to be isolated. That’s why I’m not so sure you moving down here is such a good idea.”


“You think I can’t be in the closet?”


“No, you can’t. It’s part of what makes you you. I don’t think you could hide the fact you’re gay from that doorframe. The way you dress, the way you talk, the way you wear your hair, it all screams it from the rooftops.”


Grant was visibly uncomfortable with the scenario Evan was painting.


“Grant, I know you thought that this was some fun, romantic gesture. Moving to your lover’s hometown to try to win him back sounds like the screenplay to a great romantic comedy. It sounds great on paper, but this isn’t the hometown to do that in.”


“But I love you…doesn’t that count for something?”


“It counts to me and that’s about it. Everyone else couldn’t care less if they tried. The only friends I have in this town that really know me are Andrew, Engrid, and Dora. Two octogenarians and the competition you just met. Not much to choose from. I could leave tonight and no one would miss me for more than a day or two.”


“Then let’s get out of here. Why can’t we just move somewhere else? Maybe California or Oregon?”


“No. I want to stay here.”


“But they don’t want you here, don’t you understand that? You aren’t wanted here. I want you. I want to be with you. I don’t want you to leave again. I don’t think I could live through that again.”


“You don’t understand,” then Evan turned and left the room.


“What don’t I understand, Evan? Help me understand. I want to know.” His voice was taking a tone of pleading desperation. He wanted to understand what Evan was so obviously upset over as much as he wanted to get Evan to see things his way.


“Don’t you ever miss your home? No, because you’ve never left it. New York City was the furthest you’ve been from Vermont in your life until you came here. It seems fun now, but what about in a few weeks, or in a few months? What about when there’s some family emergency and you aren’t there? What happens when your mother emails you and says your dad’s in the hospital, but you can’t be with them because you’re 2000 miles away? What then, Grant? What happens when your sister’s in a car accident? Or fun things like not being there for birthday parties, or spontaneous fishing trips with your friends from high school? Then maybe you’ll understand why I don’t want to leave and go somewhere else. I’m sure California and Oregon are nice, but there not home. Not for me.”


Grant just stood silently. He hadn’t thought of it like that before.


“Grant, it tears you up inside knowing that the world you left behind keeps going and you’re not a part of it. It’s painful to see that you aren’t needed. Tragedies still happen, birthdays are celebrated, fish are caught, fireworks are lit, and you’re not there. You missed it because you were off chasing some boy across the country.”


Grant just stood silently. Evan turned and walked away.


                   *                    *                    *


Andrew sat at his kitchen table playing solitaire. It was a sad state of affairs. But, it was his life now. He was all alone. This big old rambling house, totally dead silent. He wanted it full of laughter and happiness. He wanted it to be a place where people felt safe and loved. But it stood as a stark reminder of what could never be. He sat in the silence. He didn’t feel like listening to music; he didn’t feel like watching TV; he didn’t feel like moving. All he wanted to do was figure out a way to get Evan back into his arms. But, there seemed to be no possibilities. Sunday night dragged by so slowly it seemed it would never end. Andrew went to bed at 10:00 for the first time since middle school. He lay in bed staring at the streetlight rays lying across the still blades of the ceiling fan. The reality was slowly setting in that he was all alone. There was no one there to comfort him, no one to tell him it was going to be okay. He just lay in the bed staring blankly at the ceiling.





*                    *                    *





He awoke with a start. The only sound that of the ceiling fan whirring overhead. The only light the streetlamps and the red glare from his digital alarm clock. 3:45 am. Why was he awake? Did he hear something? He didn’t remember any particular dream that would have scared him awake. Then that creepy feeling came over him again. The feeling that he was being watched was back. Maybe the ghost of the long deceased physician had taken up residence once again in the dusty crevices of that old house. Andrew slowly rolled over to look at the door. In the dim light that was filtering in through the curtains, he could see the shadowy figure making its way slowly down the stairs. Its shoes made heavy footfalls on the stairs. Andrew crawled slowly out of bed. He slipped on a pair of boxer shorts before creeping over to the doorway. He peeked out. His bedroom door was right at the top of the stairs. The landing stretched across from his bedroom to the guest room across the way. The shadowy figure was almost to the bottom. The figure stopped. Andrew ducked back into the doorway, so as not to be seen by it. The last thing he wanted to do was arouse the anger of a ghost. He wasn’t sure what he would do if the ghost was angry and turned on him.


The ghost did glance back over its vaporous shoulder; but saw nothing. Andrew waited a few seconds then, timidly peeked out again. The ghost was already to the bottom of the stairs. He crept down slowly, keeping a wary eye on the ghoul before him. Fortunately, none of the stairs were squeaky, so Andrew made his way down fairly quickly without the ghost noticing. Now that he was on a level field with the ghost, he really had no plan from that point. The central hallway in Andrew’s house, which ran from the front door to the back door, was about fifteen feet wide. The ghost seemed to be inspecting the house. He ducked his head into the kitchen door, and then kept going. Andrew crept up behind the ghost; his skin was already breaking out in a cold sweat. The panic was rising like a lump in his throat, almost choking off his air supply entirely.


The ghost turned around. It saw Andrew. The panic was overwhelming. Andrew froze. The ghost’s face was covered in dark shadows. Andrew took a step back, hoping the lure the ghost into the faint ray of light filtering in through the open kitchen door. The ghost didn’t take the bait and stepped further from Andrew and closer to the door.


Andrew tried to speak, but his throat was so dry and pasty, all he could do was make a faint whispering sound. He cleared his throat instead. The ghost stood perfectly still. Even though he couldn’t see his eyes, Andrew could feel the ghosts’ eyes boring holes in his exposed chest. The ghost stomped its heavy booted foot against the floor and Andrew jumped about three feet. The ghost lunged at him. Andrew turned, but couldn’t get away; the ghost raised an arm and brought it down onto Andrew’s shoulder, knocking him to the floor. Andrew fell and rolled over onto his back to get a better look at the perpetrator. This was no ghost.


“Don’t hurt me!” Andrew cried out. The ghost paused, its fist raised in the air, ready to strike again. “Please don’t hurt me.” He put his arms up to shield his face from the coming blows. Someone had broken into his house and attacked him. How many times had the person gotten in and watched him sleeping peacefully in his bed without being noticed? That thought made his blood run cold and a tingling sensation run up his spine. With a new surge of fear and boldness, Andrew balled up his fist and brought it up. The intruder grabbed his hands and pinned him to the floor. Now he was completely at the mercy of whoever this was. Andrew’s half-naked body went limp. All resistance was gone. The adrenaline rush was over and he feared what was about to happen. The ghost saw the weak resignation in Andrew’s eyes and released his grip just slightly. The ghost got up off Andrew and started to walk away. Andrew silently got up off the floor. He ran after the ghost. It turned just as Andrew approached it. He hit it from the side. The intruder lost his balance and fell onto the floor with Andrew crashing down on top of him. Instinctively, Andrew pinned his arms down to the floor. With the roles reversed, Andrew didn’t have a plan from that point.


Andrew was angry, “Who are you?”


The intruder made a few struggling grunts but said nothing.


“I said, ‘Who are you?’” “Answer me!” He dug his knee into the ghost’s leg.


Andrew moved his body around so that he could hold down the intruder’s left arm with his leg so he could free his own hand. The shadowy figure was shadowy because it was wearing a hood. Once he’d moved himself around and freed that hand, he pulled back the intruder’s hood. His eyes bugged out. Grant. The face looking back at him was none other than Grant Kirkland. He was so shocked by what he saw that he unwittingly loosened his grip. Grant took advantage and wriggled himself loose from Andrew’s clutches. He threw Andrew off to the side. Andrew fell and rolled up against the wall.


“What are you doing in my house?” Andrew screamed up from his place on the floor.


Grant stood, towering over Andrew. Andrew looked up. The hood also had a robe that went with it. Grant slid his hand into the pocket of the robe. He pulled out a small pistol and pointed it at Andrew’s forehead. He leaned over and put the cold metal barrel of the gun up against the hot flesh of Andrew’s head.


“Please don’t,” Andrew said, tears welling up in his eyes. “Please don’t kill me.”


“Leave him alone.”


Andrew was so startled- he didn’t understand and looked confused.


“Don’t play stupid with me. Evan is mine. If you screw with me, that old woman won’t be the only dead body they find in this house.”


“Please don’t kill me.”


“I’m not…now. I came down here to get Evan. Evan is mine. If you interfere with me taking Evan back to New York, I will come into this house and blow your head off…do you understand?”


Andrew nodded, tears streaming down his face.


Grant continued, “Now I’m going to leave. You’re going to go back to bed. Tomorrow, you’re gonna tell those nosy bitches next door to leave Evan alone. If you fail at that, they will wish they were dead. Then you will die. Do I make myself clear?”


Andrew nodded. The sweat had beaded up to the point that it ran into his eye and stung like fire. Andrew blinked and tried to look away as his eye turned red from the irritation.


“Good,” Grant stood up and calmly walked out of the front door. Andrew just laid there on the floor, crying. He sobbed into his arms, laying there alone in the darkness. That was the story of his life, crying alone in the dark with no one to comfort him.