Complex Numbers

Alcohol

Yeah o yeah you seen me walk
On burning bridges
Yeah o yeah you seen me fall
In love with witches
And you know my brain is held
Inside by stitches
Yet you know I did survive
All of your lovely sieges

Beer.

Some say that it is the defining characteristic of civilization; that the specialization and coordination necessary to take grain and ferment it in a certain way to produce a beverage that is nutritious, refreshing, and clean (as compared to some sources of water in a pre-scientific world) is what caused societies to form the hives of specialization we know as cities.

And you know that I'll pick up
Every time you call
Just to thank you one more time
Alcohol
And you know that I'll survive
Every time you come
Just to thank you one more time
For everything you've done

Alcohol
Alcohol

Today, I went to a beer tasting in a nearby town. The town, for all that it's tiny, has a claim to fame: it was featured in the old TV show, The Waltons. The Dew Drop Inn still exists.

There were ten brewers there today, featuring ten special craft brews. Most of these beers were porters, stouts and ales, the technical differences between which I'm still not all that clear on. It has something to do with what process is used to ferment them. What was notably lacking was tired, common lagers and weak pilsners.

I've mentioned before, in here, my affection for a particular beer, Old Rasputin Imperial Stout. "Imperial" is a style that harks back to the days of the Russian Empire, before the Bolshevik Revolution. It seems someone from the British Isles brought some Guinness to Moscow, and it was a great success - so much so that the Tsar ordered casks of the holy nectar to be shipped to them. Problem is, Moscow is cold in the winter, and the casks froze, ruining the beer. I call this "alcohol abuse."

In a flash of inspiration not seen in England since an apple fell on Isaac Newton's head, or pretty much ever since, the master brewers invented a brewing process that increased the alcohol content in the stout, while adjusting the other ingredients so that the increased ethanol didn't unbalance the beer. They shipped this to Moscow, and the increased alcohol content (about 10%, as compared to an ordinary brew's 4-5%) acted as a natural anti-freeze, keeping the sacred beverage from freezing.

Thus was born Imperial Stout, and the process has since been applied to other beers. I even had an Imperial style lager recently that was, without exception, the best beer I've ever tasted - and I'm not a lager guy.

And I'm sorry some of us
Given you bad name
yeah o yeah, cause without you
Nothing is the same
Yeah o yeah i miss you so
Every time we break up
Just to hit a higher note
Every time we make up

Anyway, this was a beer connoisseur's tasting. Some people there seemed to be fish out of water - one older guy said the beers were, in general, too dark for his taste.

That's okay. You find what you like and drink it. For instance, I don't like India Pale Ales (IPAs), because they're hoppier than a frog on meth. IPA, incidentally, has a similar backstory to Imperial style beers, but in this case they had to ramp up the hops content to ship the brew around the bottom of Africa, which took time - and hops are the preservatives of beer.

There was an IPA there today, and while it was an excellent example of an IPA, it's not a style I choose to drink.

The problem is... well, let me illustrate. Last night, at my poker game, I produced a large bottle of an Imperial stout (Allagash label, for those who care) and proceeded to drink it. I found it excellent, but hardly worth the $16 they charge for a large bottle of the stuff. So I switched to my old standby, Bass Ale...

And found I didn't like it.

So I'm forever ruined for cheap, mass-produced beer by the assholes who insist that quality matters - and with whom I agree.

Thing is, I'm not just a beer snob. I'm also a wine snob. And a tequila snob. Don't get me started on Cuervo Gold, for example: sure, in college, that was what I drank, but once I realized that just because the Mexican authorities consider anything with at least 51% agave that's distilled in a particular region of Mexico can be called tequila doesn't mean that anything called tequila is any good. Once I discovered real tequila - blanco, reposado, anejo; it doesn't matter - I could never go back to the cheap stuff.

Life is, after all, too damn short to drink the cheap stuff.

Who's crawlin' up my spine - alcohol
I've been waiting long long time - alcohol
Now you teach me how to rhyme - alcohol
Just don't stab me in the back with cartisol

Now we reunite - alcohol
And forever be divine - alcohol
Screw a light bulb in my head - alcohol
may that ceremony be happy or sad...

(Lyrics by Gogol Bordello)