Down the Rabbit Hole

Haze

I signed onto WDC today after a shameful and inexcusable absence to find an embarassing number of Update Your Blog reminders perched in my email. It seems that lately I have just been too consumed to do much writing, or even thinking about writing. I'm listening to an audiobook the last few days, one with a particularily unappealing lead character and it is making me miss my craft. I'm battling some difficult news and feel the typical sense of bombardment that comes with not being able to air my fears and feelings through writing. I only have myself to blame of course. There are moments at night, when the baby finally falls asleep, when I can use the laptop for something other than playing mindless games. I don't know why I fall prey to such easy distractions these days. I should be working on my novel, at least editing the ridiculously little of it that I've managed to write to date. These days I can barely keep the sink free of dishes and the laundry from piling up in towers in the corners of a house in need of an overhaul. But my mood..my mood runs dark and I give in to doing...nothing much of anything outside of caring for my daughter. This morning, amid fearful thoughts of a shrinking bank account, I held her tiny hand in mine while she slept and thought, "as long as she is cared for...as long as I can provide for her...". In a sweet moment, I smelled her soft hair and stroked her perfect fingers and marveled at the miracle that brought her into my life. Since this morning, I have charged forth into the day with a muddled mind and a rolling gut. I feel a burning need to collect myself, mentally but I've made no progress on that front. All I could think to do, is to write. To write to find reason, a path out of the haze, a place of solid footing on the slippery slope. Part of the funk I believe is due to my father's recent annoucement about his impending divorce from wife number two. While the departure of wife number two barely registers on my or my siblings scale of loss, it doesn't take the pain away for him. After a difficult few years, he now has to face another divorce. I am concerned about the effect of this on his spirit, which was already in a depressed state to being with.
This week, in my fog, I missed both a much-needed hair appointment and annual exam. As I confront the face in the mirror, I see lines of wear, faded skin devoid of makeup, horrendously unkept highlights. I am letting myself go, without good reason and without care. I realize I need to get a handle on this, this slippage, before it becomes something of real concern.