C.R.E.A.M.

The Christmas Show

I've been absent, I've been wrong.

The last few weeks have been nothing short of some unstable hedonistic lifestyle; on a level I am not used to. Developments with at least three different women and my preconceptions about relationships, intimacy, feelings are undone. Each meeting, over the last week has been a gradual increase in closeness and yesterday I have felt things I have not felt for such a long time. How people can grow tired of physical contact with someone they care about is beyond me. Simple intimacy is something that, first of all, I can say no other male in this room is writing about right now. Partly because they are doing essays. Secondly, I can guess that this is that 'floating' feeling many people must experience when they are in a relationship. Mine was short lived and I doubt that it will happen again. Even though this most recent drunken love situation was with someone I am very interested in, it is unlikely to continue or even happen again, so I am promptly dragged back to the ground with a hot stab in my chest - I can't imagine the pain one must endure after a lengthy and more intense relationship. The circumstances of my most recent encounter with a girl that I like, very much, are definitely a bit dodgy. Alcohol and drugs were combined from both parties and the idea that it was all a mistake is definitely the most prominent conclusion.

This hurts.

I have always satirized the idea of emotions being physically painful, joking that I have no emotion, no feelings. It ties in with a love for my favourite Ally McBeal character, Richard Fish, and his amazingly superficial take on life. I repress emotion so much that when it comes back, it comes back in abundance. Combined with an environment with subtle symbolic meanings that extend to my perceptions and past experiences and now with the perfect melancholic and emotional music, I am in an intangible abyss of slow moving, adrenalin-pumped feelings and sickly emotion. I just want to cry into a pillow.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I want her back.

Waking up with a girl like that beside me, was one of the most beautiful and amazing moments in my life. Of course, the circumstances in which it came about were completely unromantic, yet, I cannot shake that level of euphoria I had. How do the jocks and cool kids from school deal with so much of this?