Bloggin' Umholtz

Volume 8

Vol 8.5

                    This volume was discovered beneath some old flea infested trail blankets in a deserted cabin on the trail to/from Nowhere. It was tattered and torn and part was used as nesting material by a family of down on their luck arctic nutria. Through forensic analysis it was determined that volume 8.5 was written before the great Hoover brain drain of 2012 and after the Turkey and Eggnog wars of 2018. In terms of rarity, as determined by experts knowledgeable in cinnamon sticks and pixie dances, a document of such import can only be said to be valueless. Thought you'd want to know.


                   1. Never stick anything with the word “tooth” in its name in your ear.

                   2. Talk to yourself. You’re the smartest person you know.

                   3. Sing

                   4. Learn to dance

                   5. Dance

                   6. Helpful Holiday Hint: If you wear a Santa suit to a bar, you can pretty much drink all night for free.Tested and Verified 1979, 1980, 1981, etc.

                   7. Baking soda doesn’t replace baking powder.

                   8. Baking powder tastes about as good as vanilla extract.

                   9. Order out.

                   10. You will learn something new everyday. You have no choice.

                   11. Get use to it. It’s a good thing.

                   12. True Christmas is a state of mind. Believe.

                   13. There is no such thing as a left handed monkey wrench.

                   14. Screwdriver’s do not come with instructions. Why?

                   15. If you are patient and persistent you can outwit any fish.

                   16. If you’re not patient try explosives.

                   17. Don’t grab a water pipe and a live power line at the same time. No, no, no, don’t do that.

                   18. If two people you trust offer to hold your legs while they lower you head first into a narrow trench so you can cut an unknown                    pipe with a torch and you agree, it’s time to question your sense of good judgement...assuming you live long enough to do that.

                   19. Measure twice - cut once

                   20. Do not send a hungover friend up a ladder and expect him to do anything that makes sense.