C.R.E.A.M.

Flaming vent.

I need to just vent right now. I am torn between falling into old habits of getting extremely upset and frustrated about my feelings towards a female, however, my blood pressure is low enough to realise how it isn't the best solution. It seems as if I now have the ability to put it aside and just try and keep myself busy. It comes back to my feelings about not be good enough for intimacy with another human being. Despite the 'unromantic circumstances' I spoke of in an older post in regards to a girl I spent the night with, she has been on my mind the entire Christmas season. I did my best not to stalk her online and I haven't bothered her. In fact there have been two other developments with girls since then, but none of them compare to the scale of my feelings towards the first girl.

Yet, I read this and feel this and a new wave of control comes over me where I can put it aside, realise that there are more pressing concerns and then continue to sort my life out. Ironically, mere laziness is preventing me from actually doing that. Another realization is that in the past, I used this kind of pain to achieve things; first in writing, then in training. It was my subtle, self-destructive way of saying a massive 'fuck you' to those that hurt me without even knowing -You'll see, you'll see'. It was childish and, as I said, self destructive. Now I am transforming that energy into a kind of control that allows me to stand back and see the situation from a more objective point of view. This bland, uncreative writing isn't a by-product, but it is a means to an end. An end that calms me. I can see the problem, express, share, transform and manipulate.

The truth is, I enjoy this stabbing pain. Its been so long since I have really felt anything and I live in a state now where I swing with wonderful rapidity between immense, unexplainable happiness and joy, to the very depths of suicidal and depressing feelings. These swift shifts lead me to believe I am pregnant. But I'm a dude, so its all good.