Vertago

You will die alone

        "You will die alone and no one will care." This was the advice I got from
    my surviving sister. She liked to call me "Kiddo." I don't know exactly when
    things started to get tense between my sister and me, but my guess is after
    my older sister shot herself. That was a mess. My older sister used the wrong
    caliber bullet in the rifle. This made the bullet spin side ways through her heart.
    The police never found the bullet. It passed through the outside wall of the third
    story bedroom.
        Around this time, I withdrew and studied my religious upbringing. I asked
    Fr. Ducett what would happen to Maura. He said she would remain in Hell
    until she was forgiven. Naturally, I hated this answer. But, it started my religious
    inquiry. If God is all powerful, then how can evil exist? I assumed that God is
    benevolent. In Genesis Adam fell from grace and God punished him and all his
    descendants with death. That did not seem like a just God. But, I persevered.
    I prayed to the Virgin Mary; the mother of the Savior. My brother had these
    words comfort, "She was deranged and needed attention."
    "You must pray for her." mom said. "Your sister was mentally ill. God will
    forgive her." dad said. Dad petitioned the Church to have Maura buried in
    consecrated ground. The Church would not allow it, unless it could be proven
    Maura was insane. Was Jesus insane when he told Judas to go and betray him?
        I was raised in a conservative Roman Catholic home. My dad would only
    attend the Latin Mass. He strongly disliked the Novas Ordo English Mass.
    "It's a Protestant meeting house." he scowled. I was more concerned with the
    spiritual consequences. Where was Maura? This was impossible for me to
    answer logically. I lost her.

        I became suicidal. Fortunately, my fear of oblivion stopped me.
   
    "I know the smiling faces of my enemy
    I know the pretense that is the weapon used.
    I have been the enemy
    and learned to know myself well."
    (Daughters of the Copper Woman; Anne Cameron.)

    ~~~
    <^>