Marathon items

Simon's Roadside Retreat

Author's Note:

Unfortunately, I was unable to watch the video, because I cannot seem to get Youtube here in the People's Republic of China. I'm not sure whether the reasons are technical or legal, but I did find the lyrics as well as several web sites attempting to explain what it meant. The line, "Here's a truck stop instead of St. Peter's" caused a bit of controversy. Some seem to think that it was about the famous church in Rome, but a more common opinion is that it involves the gates of heaven. I am going with that interpretation. . .

Simon's Roadside Retreat{/"b}

"You see," said the little man as he took a bite of his burger. "Those people in the Phillipines really do know what they're talking about. I was dying of cancer, but then I lay down, the man passed his hand over me, and removed the tumor without even touching me. Now, here I am, healthy as ever."

Everyone in the diner who was listening applauded, except for one man who sitting by himself quietly watching with a look of disapproval. Finally, he spoke. "You fool! It is fake!"

The man who was sipping his milkshake said. "Of course it is isn't. I tell you I was really dying."

"Yes, and you really died."

This made the man look a little strange. "And people call me weird. What do you mean, I died?"

"I mean," said the stranger with growing indignation, "You like everyone else in this are dead. Haven't you noticed that you don't hear from your girlfriend or your agent or even get asked to perform anymore? You've just been hanging around this place eating burgers for years."

There was silence. All eyes were looking at this strange man who had long hair and a dark beard with bright eyes. "Never mind," he said, "Where is the owner of this place. Where is Simon?"

"Well," said a young blonde waitress. "He hardly ever comes out here."

"Tell him that I wish to see him, now."

The waitress shrugged and went into the kitchen. A few moments later, she came out with the owner who was very annoyed. "You know, I'm in the middle of flipping some burgers here. . ."

"Hello Peter," said the stranger.

The owner gasped when he saw who the stranger was. "Oh hi. Long time no see."

"You know this guy, Simon?" asked the waitress.

"Sure, this is Jesus Christ. He and I go way back."

"Oh yeah. I've heard of him," said the waitress.

"Never mind that," said Jesus, "Peter, we need to talk."

"Yeah, first of all, could you stop with the Peter business. I prefer Simon now. That thing where you called me, Peter because it means 'rock' wasn't that funny the first time. How would you like it if someone always went around calling you, 'rock, rock. Rock do this. Rock do that. It made me feel obtuse."

"That's beside the point. What are you doing here? All of these people died and they don't even realize it because they can't enter the Kingdom of Heaven and you're down here making burgers. What is going on?"

"Ah. . .Well," Simon cleared his throat. "It's a little bit embarrassing. . ."

"I figure it would have to be."

"Right, well, remember when you gave me the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

Jesus nodded. "Go on."

"Well, some years back, I misplaced them."

Jesus turned pale. "You lost the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

Simon nodded sheepishly. "I checked everywhere. I think I left them in my pocket when I was doing laundry, but I still don't see. . ."

"So what have you been doing with everyone who died since then?"

"They're all here," said Simon with a bit of pride. "I set up this place. Simon's Roadside Retreat, so they'd have a place to chill. And it's a pretty good place, if I do say so myself. I make a really mean burger. You wanna try one?"

"No, I do not want to try one. This is serious. These people are supposed to be in Heaven. Why didn't you tell me about it?"

"I was afraid you'd be mad."

This made Jesus a little bit gentler. "You know, I've forgiven you before."

"Yeah, for walking out on you, and pretending I didn't know you, but not for losing keys."

Jesus sighed and thought about for a long time. Finally, he said, "I might be able to help you."

"Can you?"

"Yeah, I have an idea where those keys might be." And he stepped out.

Half an hour later, he was back with a smile on his face. "I found them," he said triumphantly.

Simon brightened. "Hey! That's great! Everyone. We're going to Heaven!" The patrons all thought that was good news.

"So", said Simon,"Where were they?"

"They were in Hell."

"What?"

"Satan had them. He has a way of making off with things like that."

"Oh no. I guess I really goofed that one up big-time, Jesus. Satan could've invaded the place or something."

"Yes," said Jesus. "The funny thing is that he did not seem to have any interest in doing that. He just liked having the keys themselves." He thought about it for a moment. "I never really understood Satan to be honest with you."

"Me neither. And did Satan just let you have the keys back?"

"Well, no," said Jesus. "And that's the other part I don't get. I had to bargain to get them back, but I was a little surprised by what he wanted."

Simon choked. "You made a deal with Satan?"

"Yeah relax, though. He must have been feeling generous, because he let us off pretty easy, I think."

"What did he want?"

Jesus shrugged. "He wants {i]you to make him a burger. Medium-rare, with no onions. I guess you do make a pretty mean burger."