Dudley Dursley and the Sorcerer's Stone

Chapter 2 - Keeper of Keys and Crappy Cakes

Chapter 2 - Keeper of Keys and Crappy Cakes

    Dudley wasn't allowed out of his closet for all of Sunday; the Dursleys were quite glad to not have his company, so they kept him locked up while they lavishly enjoyed the rest of the week-end. But by Monday morning, the roar of Dudley's stomach was too much to ignore. The Dursleys spent the morning trying to cover up the cracks in the door to drown the noise, but this proved ineffective, and by noon, Dudley's stomach was causing the entire house to tremble. Finally and reluctantly, Aunt Petunia moved away the furniture they had put infront of the door and let Dudley out. He immediately ran to the kitchen and ate.
    Uncle Vernon had decided not to go to work that morning because he was expecting a very important package. Although the Dursleys were by no means a wealthy family (the food budget was too massive), Uncle Vernon loved to appear as if he was. He drove a very nice car (and tended to judge other people on what cars they drove), lived in a considerably large house (which would keep him out of retirement for all his life), and wore very nice suits. He also bought many pieces of elegant furniture and other things to decorate his house with. This time he had purchased a replica of a ship large enough to where it was clearly visible from any point in his living room. The mail usually arrived in the morning, but it still hadn't shown up. Uncle Vernon was unconcerned as he ate his lunch however, attributing this to the extra care they were obviously giving to the ship's delivery. As he ate his meatloaf, he was reciting the details of his purchase to anyone who would listen, though as they had all heard this a hundred times, Uncle Vernon had trouble finding an alert audience.
    At last the doorbell rang, and Uncle Vernon hurried excitedly towards the door. As he struggled to lift the package, he was giving his worn-out speech to the uninterested mailman, who quickly departed. He had also left a number of letters at their house, mostly bills, but one of them was in a wild envelope of many flashing colors. However, Uncle Vernon was too focused on his package to give the letters a mind (that one envelope was even singing a song, but as Uncle Vernon was still plowing on about his ship, even the song went unnoticed).
    "Vernon," said Aunt Petunia, finally hearing the song as Uncle Vernon was clearing away the desk for the ship, "do you hear something?"

    "....Of dragons and hags and unicorns,
    learn all about goblins from Dumbledore!
    They kick and they thieve and they bite and they steal,
    but Dumbledore thinks they make an excellent meal!
    Come learn about wands or ride on a broom,
    and you can make a friend fly or make things go boom!
    Be taught about monsters from Hagrid the Troll!
    Be quiet and listen or he'll make heads roll!"

    Then the letter shot a rainbow of miniature fireworks and sang "Join us at Hogwarts!"
    Everyone backed away from the letter; Aunt Petunia clutched her heart.
    "Letter bomb!" screamed Harry.
    "No, it's not!" said Aunt Petunia slowly. "Oh my god, Vernon! It's finally happening!"
    "Wait, it's addressed to me!" said Harry, and they all approached the letter, which burped. Harry stood in front of it, unsure of whether or not to pick it up, so Aunt Petunia did. The letter protested ("I'm warning you! I bite!"), but she opened up the envelope and pulled out several folded pieces of parchment. The empty envelope stood up and faced them, and the Dursleys instinctively dragged Dudley in front of them, but it only caught fire and disintegrated ("Oh my god! What's happening to me!..."). While Dudley began trying to grill a sausage over the fire, Aunt Petunia held up the first piece of parchment.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL
of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY 

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,
Supreme Mugwump, 8x Winner of Longest Beard Award)

    Dear Mr. Potter,
          We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School
    of Witchcraft and Wizardry for your obvious magical ability, charming looks,
    cheritable spirit, and humble character. Please find enclosed a list of all neccesary
    books and equipment.
          Term begins September 1st, though we wouldn't want someone as great as
    yourself to feel rushed, so arrive at King's Cross whenever and at your leisure.
   
    Yours sincerely and for all of eternity,
    Minerva McGonagall

    Minerva McGonagall
    Deputy Headmistress


    The Dursleys stared at the letter for a few seconds, and then Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia broke into an excited applause.
    "Congratulations, my little king of the universe!" said Aunt Petunia affectionately.
    "You'll show them wizards up, won't you, Harry m'boy!" said Uncle Vernon. But Harry was confused, though the letter's flattery pleased him.
    "What is this?" he asked.
    "Well, Harry, you're a wizard!" said Uncle Vernon.
    "We always knew you would be, you know," said Aunt Petunia. "For years your uncle and I have debated about sending you to school."
    "But obviously these people can see just how amazing you are," said Uncle Vernon, "so it looks like you should go."
    Dudley was also interested in this school. "Can I go too, Dad?"
    Uncle Vernon's fatherly smile vanished. "Well, there doesn't seem to be a letter for you, now is there?" he said coldly.
    "Why would they want something like you?" laughed Aunt Petunia.
    Vernon, Petunia, and Harry all began cracking up and insulting Dudley. "They probably don't even have any desks big enough for him!" snorted Harry.
    "And how on earth would they feed him?" screamed Aunt Petunia with mirth.
    But at that very second, something completely bewildering occured. The floor began to shake as if a small earthquake was happening, and a thunderous voice boomed from just outside their house, quieting the Dursleys instantly.
    "A GIFT FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER!"
    And a large clump of rock about the size of a soccer ball soared through the window in the front door and across the room and smashed into Uncle Vernon's brand new ship, shattering it to pieces and leaving a huge dent in the wall behind it. Uncle Vernon yelled and ran to his ship, but it was utterly destroyed, remnants of if its masts and hull and other finely crafted parts ridden all over the living room.
    Uncle Vernon kneeled and bowed over his fallen ship, which had cost him a couple thousand pounds. Then he got up and took a long metal bar that stood beside the fireplace and went outside roaring.
    Uncle Vernon looked outside for the attacker for an hour, but he found no one. When he came back in, he talked to nobody, and nobody talked to him. Uncle Vernon's rages were terrifying, and he was especially enraged now. He stayed silent for the rest of the day and cleaned up his ship. He spent another three hours in his garage, trying to glue it back together, but it was no use, and he only became more frustrated and maddened. He went to bed early, and no one made the slightest noise all night.
    Tuesday morning came, and Uncle Vernon woke up a bit calmer. He still phoned the police about the incident and had taken to muttering to himself about his suspicions and about the ship, but he was also continuing his praise of Harry again. Uncle Vernon was most upset about the attacker having mentioned Harry; he and Aunt Petunia were afraid that Harry might be in danger, and their optimism about Hogwarts was diminished slightly. Neither of them were paying Dudley any mind at the moment, even when he had been standing right next to the ship when the rock came through the window (it's very likely they were disappointed that he wasn't injured, to be honest), but Dudley prefered it like this. Atleast he could go around the house mostly without persecution. Harry was still continuing his relentless stream of insults and cruelty towards Dudley, but this was not much of a problem because Dudley was permitted outside the house whereas Harry was kept inside for his safety (the Dursleys actually locked Dudley out at one point).
    Uncle Vernon was significantly happier by suppertime and was back to continuing his usual mealtime habits, which consisted of his long monologues about the inadequate features of society. This afternoon he was addressing the teenagers in the neighborhood.
    "....and they should be kept on leashes, I say! The whole lot of 'em!.... strutting around all over our yards as if they own the block!.... and the way they wear their clothes, Petunia, you should see! Pants down low and shirts untucked!.... and their music! They have no taste! And they play it all too damn loud! I swear they'll be deaf by our age!...."
    "Oh, yes, I quite agree," concurred Petunia as she served the family helpings of lamb chops and boiled potatos. Uncle Vernon was continuing his rant while Harry looked disgustedly at the food and instead began playing his gameboy. Dudley, however, was bent down and absorbed in his fourth helping of chocolate pie, his face covered with food.
      By the late hours of the evening, the family was sitting around the fireplace in the living room, or rather, Vernon, Petunia, and Harry were sitting on the couch while Dudley was forced to act as a footrest for his cousin. All was as usual. Uncle Vernon had finished his rant about teenagers and was giving his mind on a new subject. Aunt Petunia was pretending to listen while she was tuned in to her favorite TV show on their expensive new television (another of Uncle Vernon's attempts at the fine life), and Harry was kicking Dudley out of boredom - he was unable to beat his video game.
    Suddenly, the huge voice boomed from outside.
    "ANOTHER GIF' FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER!"
    Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and Harry all dived for the floor as another big rock-like object soared through the back window and smashed into the television. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon yelled and made to stand up, but more rocks were flying through windows, crashing into walls, the kitchen sink, the refridgerator (this time Dudley yelled), and another of Uncle Vernon's grand purchases - a tall glass cabinet housing his replica automobile collection. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon grabbed Harry and fleed to Harry's extra bedroom while Dudley cowered behind the couch. But the rocks ceased to fly, and Dudley waited a few seconds before looking up over the couch and through the broken back window. He thought he saw what looked like an enormous caveman climb over their backyard fence (which was crushed under the caveman, who was over 12 feet tall).
    A few silent minutes passed before the Dursleys poked their heads out of the bedroom. Aunt Petunia gasped and ran over to the broken television ("What did we ever do to deserve this?!") while Harry was crying over his video game system, which the television had fallen on. Uncle Vernon, however, was purple in the face and ran across the living room (he stepped on Dudley's fingers) and out the back door, carrying his preferred golf club and swinging it around furiously. But the attacker had vanished (almost like magic!). Uncle Vernon was in a rage beyond words; the loss of so many of his treasured possessions had reduced him to incoherent yelling and screaming.
    "That's it!" he roared when he came back inside, missing half of his walrus moustache and looking quite terrifying. "That's it! We're leaving! Everyone be ready to go in five minutes! GO!"
    No one dared to argue, and in five minutes time the family was driving out of their garage and down the street. Uncle Vernon was muttering madly to himself.
    "Gotta shake 'em off.... They'll never find us, and then they'll go attack someone else...."
    "Vernon," whispered Aunt Petunia eventually, "where are we going?"
    But Uncle Vernon was unreachable. He just stayed quiet and kept driving. Every now and then he would take a wild turn or drive in circles or completely leave the road. Once he almost ran over an old lady, who was missed by a couple of inches and shrieked fearfully, but Uncle Vernon seemed not to hear her. He soon landed in a school zone, where Aunt Petunia almost had plucked up enough courage to talk again when Uncle Vernon suddenly swerved to the left and rampaged straight through a playground. After narrowly missing six individual children and four babies in strollers, Uncle Vernon drove through the school's back parking lot and onto another road that let to the outskirts of Surrey. The Dursleys continued down the country road for many miles before finally stopping at a motel on the edge of Cokesworth. 
    "Unpack your bags and get inside," said Uncle Vernon shortly. While the others opened the trunk and gathered blankets and pillows, Uncle Vernon crossed the street and disappeared behind a building.
    "Ma'am, we don't permit animals of that size," said an employee as Aunt Petunia, Harry, and Dudley walked slowly inside the motel and asked for a room. He was pointing at Dudley.
    "I know it's ugly, but I promise it won't bite," growled Aunt Petunia. "Now, a room, please."
    Dudley couldn't remember a time he had felt more miserable, even considering the zoo fiasco. Aunt Petunia had packed plenty of Harry's favorite snacks, but Dudley had been denied food all day. The car trip had been horrible; Harry had been kicking him almost the entire time, and Aunt Petunia, who had been sitting in front of him, had set her seat all the way back, resulting in Dudley being barely able to breathe or move for four hours. Dudley thought he had passed out a couple of times, but none of the Dursleys had noticed or cared. Now he was trying to keep his stomach grumbling as they climbed a staircase to their dirty second-floor room; everytime his stomach made a plea for food, his Aunt Petunia smacked him across the face.         
    Uncle Vernon returned with a terrible wide grin on his face while he was struggling with several large crates; for some reason, he had chosen to climb a ladder up the second floor from the parking lot instead of taking his cargo through the lobby.
    "It cost me an arm and a leg, but these babies might just solve our little problem," he laughed with his unpleasant smile.
    "Vernon, please," said Aunt Petunia gently, "what's in those crates?"
    "Petunia, my dear, if we see any more of those bloody rocks fly through our window, everything we need to take care of our friend is right here. Don't you worry!"
    He refused to let on about what he'd gotten, so the Dursleys went to sleep.
    As it turns out, Aunt Petunia lied to the employee in the lobby. Early next morning, Dudley lost it and tried to eat the employee as he was sweeping the hall outside their room. As Aunt Petunia was trying to explain his bizarre behavior, Uncle Vernon returned from his car (after putting the crates in the trunk) to her side.
    "Sorry, dear, I parked the car across the street and all those trucks are backed up for some reason."
    He happened to be wearing his work uniform, which got the employee's attention when he noticed Vernon's nametag.
    "Oh, you're the Dursleys?" asked the employee.
    "Yes," said Uncle Vernon slowly. "Is there a problem?"
    "Oh, it's just that we've got some odd deliveries for you," said the employee with a chuckle. "Bit odd really, 'cause it started last night when about a hundred of these.... these rocks... showed up in the lobby with your name - oh, and one Mr. Potter." The employee was now laughing considerably. "We didn't wake y'all up 'cause it was late, see, but it got crazy this morning. Those trucks backed up in the street - they're all carrying rocks."
    Everyone was back in the car in a hurry, but Uncle Vernon's face, far from its usual beet color, was a ghostly white. Instead of driving back in the direction of Surrey, he was driving towards the coast, his reasons unknown, if he even had a reason. He was back to his panicked muttering.
    "Vernon, they're only rocks..."
    "Petunia, this isn't normal!" he said in a terrified whisper. He seemed to have lost his confidence from the night before.
    He drove them all day before stopping at a gas station once they reached a coastal town, where Harry and Dudley were fed supper while Uncle Vernon made a call. Dudley, starving, ate as much as he could, much to the disgust of those around him, but Harry, the little wuss, was increasingly rattled by the week's turn of events.
    "I don't think I want to go to Hogwarts anymore," he cried to his aunt, who patted him on the back.
    "Could I have some more macaroni and cheese?" Dudley asked his mother, who thumped him in the head.
    Soon they were off again, this time to a dock, where a wicked-looking old man and a desolate old boat awaited them under the night sky. He shook hands with Uncle Vernon and gave a nasty toothless grin to Harry and Dudley.
    "Argh, you boys feelin' like pirates?" he laughed cruelly. "Quite a storm out there tonight!"
    He walked over to them and exhaled his tobacco breath in their faces; Harry choked and ran to his aunt.
    "Oooh, and I'd try to not sit down too hard or lean over too far in that boat," the old man told Dudley before he left.
    Uncle Vernon motioned everyone in the boat. "C'mon crew, I've found a great spot out there!" He pointed at a rock out at sea where a creepy shack sat atop. It looked cold and miserable, especially now that it had begun to rain.
    The boat didn't look like it would make it to the rock, even Dudley was staying as still as possible. Harry kept leaning over and puking into the sea, and Aunt Petunia was covering here eyes. The wind was harsh and cold and the ocean was dark and angry. So as lonely as the shack looked, the family hurried madly out of the boat and inside, but the roof turned out to be full of holes, as did the walls. Thus it was cold and wet even as they were trying to get to sleep. They had also had to abandon some of their supplies to make room for Uncle Vernon's crates, so there were only enough blankets (twelve) for Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia, and Harry. Dudley was lying on a couch, shivering and wondering if the caveman could have followed them here. He doubted there would've been a boat big enough for him, but he supposed if he, himself, could've fit on one, it was possible the caveman could find a boat too.
    Dudley sat up and realized something. Tomorrow was his birthday! He would be eleven years old in a matter of minutes according to his watch, which was what he'd gotten for his birthday last year. It was an old watch of Harry's that Aunt Petunia thought had been broken or died for some reason. Dudley had managed to get it to work again by replacing the batteries; Harry hadn't been smart enough to think of this solution.
    Just a minute left! Dudley wondered if he'd get a present this year. Maybe he'd get a bite of food! He thought about what he'd love the most. Visions of mashed potatos, ground beef, fried chicken, beautifully sauced ribs, Big Macs, smoked hams, sausages, and pork chops danced around his head.
    Ten seconds. Maybe a packet of barbeque sauce atleast.
    Five seconds. Maybe a peppermint?
    Three seconds. If he could just have a bite of Harry's snacks.
    Two seconds. Just a nibble....
    One.....
    BOOOOM! A loud knock rang around the shack! Someone was outside!
    "ANOTHER GIF' FER THE GREA' HARRY POTTER! AND IT'S A BIG ONE!"