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a h . t h e . s w e e t . r e t u r n

( This was wrote back in March of 2009 )

a h . t h e . s w e e t . r e t u r n

I turned and watched her taillights fade. As if time was moving slower than normal, it took them forever to disappear. I couldn’t help but beg that I would see her tap on the brakes and pull a U-turn. But I knew that was a dream and that real life was so much more difficult than fantasy; Never knowing the right thing to do or to say, and wondering every moment of everyday if you made the right decision or not.

I closed my eyes and watched her hand reach up to my neck.

“I didn’t know that you still wore it.”

Her fingers fumbled the symbol hanging around my neck. The symbol held more significance to the two of us than I had ever let anybody know. Every time someone questioned the meaning behind it, I lied or just told them the basic meaning. I knew that explaining the significance that we shared for it would be far too difficult for someone to comprehend that didn’t know our history.

“I never took it off.”

Her fingers quivered and her hand retracted. I could see the thoughts from behind her eyes, although they didn’t escape her mouth. I wish they would have. Instead, she responded with what I already knew of…

My eyes opened and I was staring at a green light. Turning onto the road slowly I listened to the soft piano play a perfect melody to the mood I was in. A million different thoughts and memories began to play as I drove in a hypnotized state of mind.

Funny how this St. Patrick’s Day ended. I hated holidays such as St. Patrick’s Day, where the majority of the population goes out and gets completely hammered to beer and alcohol, because that was not who I was. Just isn’t me. Never has been. All my life I have grown up being somewhat different than others and I always missed out on what I would like to enjoy but never have. And then, as if God was listening to my prayers and watching my every move, He placed a miracle on a night that I needed it the most. When I thought I wasn’t going to get to enjoy this holiday with someone that understood me and wanted the same thing I did, frustrated that I had to work and all my friends were out, I got my miracle.

Still driving I passed the corner on Memorial and turned left. Another memory played as a movie and it was a much more familiar one. A memory that I thought of nearly every time I drove home.

“Oh you’re going straight this time? What happened to the other way being so much better?” I said the last sentence in a playful sarcastic tone.

“I tried this way and it’s much faster. So I take it every time I drive out here now.” She said in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Oooh, uh huh.” I nodded and chuckled at the way she said her answer and thought about how she knew which way was faster. Just as I was about to ask, I considered the thought that my question might frustrate her and it was too good of a night to ruin… so I let it go...

And then the memory faded.

I’m not sure why I think of that memory so much. It’s such a simple, pointless memory really. But every time I drive I question whether Memorial or Yale is a quicker way home. I have tried several times to race vehicles and time myself, but it fails every time and I always end up asking myself the same question. “How did she know that Yale was quicker?” I should have asked her…

I turned around and grabbed my backpack in search of the little blue pills that quiet the memories and thoughts. Sleeping pills have become my new best friend and they work wonderfully in getting me more sleep than I’m accustomed to. They still don’t quite give me the rest that I need, but I’m certain that’s because I have insomnia and I will never get the appropriate sleep until I get some help. But for now, they worked beautifully because they did more than I could on my own.

Holding the two pills in my hand I thought about the previous night when I abused my new-found friend. I retraced my thoughts back to what I was thinking when I opened another package. And then another package. And then another. And another. I wonder if I would have stopped if I had more. I wonder what would have happened if God would have allowed it. And I honestly could not remember why I kept taking them. I knew that I shouldn’t and I knew the consequence and yet still, I couldn’t stop. It was as if I watching myself from the outside…

The pen I was holding shook and I remember looking at my handwriting and thinking it must be the worst handwriting I had ever wrote. The writing was barely legible through my shaky hands. My whole body was shaking and I was so cold. And I knew what was next from previous experience. And as if I was watching a movie I had seen a dozen times, the symptoms hit me just as I knew they would. My stomach tightened and nausea kicked in. The cold slipped away and I was suddenly burning up. This was the hard part. This was the scary part…

I came to the stop sign close to home and the memory stopped. I shivered and I felt the goose bumps crawl down the length of my arms. I’m thankful I woke up this morning. If I wouldn’t have, I wouldn’t have been able to make this St. Patrick’s Day what it was. I saw my brother and listened to him brag about his car, I took my mom out to eat and listened to her and talked to her since she’s having such a hard time, and I got to see my best friend again for the first time in what seems like ages. Oh, how I have missed her.

Now, as I draw this to a close, it nears four am and I have work tomorrow. My arms and neck is aching and my eyelids are heavy, my heart is content and my mind has paused for the moment. I may sleep well after all.