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f a l l i n g . a p a r t

( Wrote in February of 2009 )

f a l l i n g . a p a r t

I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Shivers ran the length of my arms and disappeared into the middle of my back. The pain sweltered, and I felt it pulse. Every heart beat could be felt as the pain in my chest worsened. Trying not to think about it, I opened my eyes and attempted to distract myself with music. However, when the song came on, I felt my heart fall apart.

I felt the heat move throughout my face and concentrate on the corner of my eyes. I knew I was going to tear up - the pain was far too great for me not to. I pictured what it must look like for a fool to run up to a complete stranger and attempt tickling them. In a sense, I imagine that's what I must look like to my father. A joke, something to laugh at. I felt my heart pulse again and I cursed at the silence in my room. I hate this silence, I hate this pain, I hate this feeling...

Hopelessness, that no matter how much I may give, it's never enough. No matter how much I attempt to give in, it's never enough. For me to lay down on my back and offer someone to walk all over me, it's still just not quite enough. What does it take to make someone happy? Why can't I succeed, just once, at making someone feel special enough that when I do make one tiny mistake compared to the mountain lying behind, it doesn't have to be blown up with dynamite right next to my already destroyed heart?

I can literally see it. My heart. As if someone has taken a potatoe skinner and started fumbling away at my heart, I can see the shavings of what used to be there. Except they didn't stop after they tore down the outer wall... they kept going. Twice as many strokes for the pain that I have caused others... I suppose that is why my heart now lies in a heap of ruins. Now and then someone comes by and picks up a couple pieces and tries to fit them together... but my heart is not a jigsaw puzzle. It's a wreck, a million shavings and crumbs lost within the realm of pointless hopelessness.

I am nearing closer to letting go. I've just about given up completely, and I imagine since my heart has now all been torn apart... it would just take a strong wind to blow me away. For those of you that know me, or have known me, I am sorry. I'm sure that there was some point in our relationship or friendship that I hurt you. I am nothing but deserving of what I have endured... and I will continue to do so until I fall.